MONDAY, JANUARY 20
It's Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday today—and how did Justin Bieber spend it? By dropping $75,000 (in ones!) all over the strippers at Miami's King of Diamonds strip club. (Apparently, Bieber had a dream.) MEANWHILE... It's Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday today—and how did Madonna spend it? By apologizing for calling her son the "N word" on Instagram. Last Friday her Madgesty posted a pic of her son at a boxing gym, writing, "Nobody messes with Dirty Soap! Mama said knock you out!" and then hashtagging it with "#disni**a." Oops! Cue sniveling apology! "I am sorry if I offended anyone with my use of the N word on Instagram," Madonna begrudgingly wrote. "It was not meant as a racial slur. I am not a racist.... It was used as a term of endearment toward my son who is white. I appreciate that it's a provocative word and I apologize if it gave people the wrong impression." Hmmm... we think it gave people the absolutely correct impression. But like Dr. King and Bieber, Madonna can always dream, can't she?
TUESDAY, JANUARY 21
We have good Justin Bieber news, some bad Justin Bieber news, and some TERRIBLE Justin Bieber news: For once, let's start with the good. According to Lieutenant David Thompson, the lead detective on the Justin Bieber egging investigation (see last week's One Day for details... it's too ridiculous to recount), the cops searching JB's mansion for egg-related evidence did NOT find "cookie jars filled with marijuana" or "four or five empty codeine bottles and empty Fanta containers" (reportedly used to make Bieb's favorite druggy juice, sizzurp), as originally reported by gossip site TMZ. "I didn't see any of it," Thompson told the Daily News. "The house was orderly. It didn't look like a drug pad." And THAT will be the best compliment said about Justin Bieber all week!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22
And now the bad Justin Bieber news: According to the reliably fallible Radar Online, Bieber ended his long-running, on-again-off-again relationship with former Disney star Selena Gomez by text message—screaming obscenities and showing her a picture of his penis. Now, for the record, the following exchange—that Radar swears comes from a verified source—is probably completely false... and yet? Too delicious not to share. Here's how the text exchange allegedly started: Justin writes, "Baby come on. I love you." Selena responds, "I don't buy that bullshit... I gave you a second chance. My friends were right, you're such an asshole." Justin: "You're all I need right now. I know I can make it right...." Selena: "U r a drug addict. U need help." Justin: "Come on... don't tell me you don't miss this. [Sends Selena a photo of his erect penis. GROOOOOOSSSSSS!!!] Selena: "U need to grow the fuck up." Justin: "FUCK YOU!!!!! Enjoy life with OUT ME BITCH!!!" Selena: "Good!!! Go 'retire' or whatever bullshit attention ur trying to get." Justin: "Can't hear you over my cash, babe! You're only famous cuz of me. Go fuck someone else. Keep that talentless pussy away from me." OKAY, ugh, that will be enough of that. Both Selena's and Justin's camps have denied the veracity of these texts—but dear god. Can we please watch two great actors reenact this conversation? We're thinking Benedict Cumberbatch and Dame Judi Dench.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 23
And now the terrible Justin Bieber news (for him, anyway): Early this morning, Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach, charged with a DUI, resisting arrest, and driving without a valid license while allegedly drag racing. According to the police report, Bieber (in a rented yellow Lamborghini) and rapper buddy Crazy Khalil were racing down Pine Tree Drive at 60 MPH—though the speed limit is 30. Bieber had apparently been at a nightclub before the incident (shirtless and drinking Red Bulls, of course, because... DOUCHE), and after being pulled over by the cops, "admitted to smoking pot all day, drinking beer, and popping anti-depressants," according to the Miami Herald. He then reportedly got belligerent, yelling at the police, "Why the fuck are you doing this to me?" and "I ain't got no fucking weapons!" After failing a sobriety test and repeatedly ignoring instructions, Justin Bieber was placed in handcuffs (ahhhh, don't you just love the sound of those six beautiful words?) and taken to a Miami-Dade jail, where he was booked, and photographed for what will surely be the first of many mugshots. After posting bond, Biebs was released roughly an hour after appearing in court this morning. Whew! Better get some sleep, Justin! If this is how your week starts, then you've got a loooong weekend ahead of you!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 24
"I'm very, very depressed," very, very depressed director Quentin Tarantino told Deadline earlier this week. "I finished a script, a first draft, and I didn't mean to shoot it until next winter, a year from now. I gave it to six people, and apparently it's gotten out today." The script—for a western called The Hateful Eight—was leaked around Hollyweird this week, and quickly showed up online. But who was to blame? Tarantino all but pointed a very, very depressed finger at Nebraska star Bruce Dern, who at a doddering 77 years of age, was rumored to be up for a role in the film. Damn you, Dern! Precious, sensitive Quentin gives you ONE THING not to shoot your toothless mouth off about, and you can't do it? Get away from us. You disgust us. MEANWHILE... Turns out that Li'l Beebles' drag race last night might not've been much of race! TMZ reports "a GPS device that also tracks speed" was installed in Bieber's rented Lamborghini Gallardo LP550-2 Spyder—and it only clocked Bieber going 27 MPH. What's more, TMZ reveals Bieber's blood alcohol level was at a mere .014. Naturally, Bieber quickly took to Instagram to ruin whatever goodwill these tidbits might have gained him. "Bieber Instagrammed a black-and-white split photo on Friday, the left side of himself on top of an SUV, waving to fans following his Thursday release," the Wrap reports. "on the right side was a similar-looking Michael Jackson photo that was snapped following the late singer's 2004 acquittal from child molestation charges.... For a caption, Bieber wrote 'What more can they say,' with a graphic of a crown." Hmm. Really makes you think, doesn't it? Mostly about how Bieber is a remarkably stupid idiot.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 25
Very, very depressed director Quentin Tarantino is "taking Gawker Media to court after the snarky website brazenly posted a link to The Hateful Eight, the first-draft screenplay whose leak prompted Tarantino to say he would shelve the film," Deadline depressingly reports. "Tarantino has filed a formal legal compla—" THIS JUST IN! JUSTIN BIEBER HAS FLED TO PANAMA! Bieber has been sighted in Punta Chame, "a scenic beach town," the New York Daily News reports, and "a place where he can drink in peace." "Tweets from the 85-degree Central American paradise showed a shirtless Bieber, 19, strolling on the sand with his new lady friend, Chantel Jeffries," and drinking some beers, riding some jet skis, and snickering about the futility of the American justice system. The Daily News also had some details about Bieber's not-so-drunken, not-so-fast drag race... like that Jeffries, a 21-year-old model, was the one who encouraged it! "Chantel dared them to race each other," a source claims, "and said that she would be the prize." The race's clear winner: Justin Bieber! The clear loser: Jeffries! (And Panama.)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 26
Uh oh—Panama might not be the fun-in-the-sun frolic Justin Bieber thought it would be! Bieber's mentor Usher has "high-tailed it down to Panama to talk some sense" into the troubled star, TMZ reports, adding that "Justin's manager Scooter Braun, and Justin's childhood friend Ryan Butler, are also there for the sitdown.... We haven't heard this word used, but this meeting has all the earmarks of an intervention." In other words, dears: As with all celebrity interventions, absolutely nothing of any consequence whatsoever will happen. In other other words, dears: See you next week, when we'll have details about whatever other dumb thing this remarkably stupid idiot has decided to do.