MONDAY, JANUARY 27
Righteous internet outrage ensued today after rap duo Macklemore and Ryan Lewis—both white people—took home last night's Grammy Award for "Best Rap Album of the Year." To his credit, Mack quickly texted fellow nominee Kendrick Lamar to tell him, "You got robbed. I wanted you to win. You should have. It's weird and sucks that I robbed you." But to his dis-credit, he also Instagrammed his private text to Lamar, so the world could bear witness to his oh-so-noble behavior. Sorry, Mack—that's a dick move, and automatically disqualifies you for "Most Magnanimous Honky of the Year." MEANWHILE... "A lot of people do ask me for parenting advice," said an obviously LYING Billy Ray Cyrus (dad of droopy-tongued Miley) to Access Hollywood in regard to the world's most despised teenager, Justin Bieber. The reporter then asked Papa Cyrus what advice he'd give to the legally challenged Biebs. "I would just invite him to come down and chill out with me, maybe in Tennessee," Billy Ray sagely responded. "Let's go up to the teepee, build a fire... and just think about what's important." LIKE MAYBE WHY BILLY RAY CYRUS HAS A TEEPEE??? MEANWHILE... In a strained attempt at promoting his latest dumb Christian movie, former child star and current d-bag a-hole Kirk Cameron Facebooked the following: "How did you like the Grammys' all-out assault on the traditional family last night? As a husband and father, I am proud to announce the release of my new family movie, MERCY RULE." The Grammy "assault" Cameron was talking about? When Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (along with Queen Latifah and Madonna) officiated the marriages of 33 gay, lesbian, and straight couples live on stage. (Our apologies to Macklemore for earlier calling his Instagram shoutout a "dick move." Sometimes it takes Kirk Cameron to remind us what a REAL "dick move" is all about.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 28
According to TMZ, the toxicology report is back following Justin Bieber's DUI/drag-racing arrest in Miami last week... and while it's still unclear whether or not he was actually drunk, he did test positive for marijuana and the prescription medication Alprazolam—the key ingredient in Xanax. Bieber pleaded "not guilty" and has an arraignment set for February 14... Valentine's Day! (Who wants to chip in on some SweeTarts Hearts inscribed with "Go Back to Canada"?) MEANWHILE... If SweeTarts won't work, how about a petition to the White House? Almost immediately following Bieber's arrest, a petition to deport Justin Bieber back to Canada had collected more than 100,000 signatures—enough to force the White House to make a public response. "We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive, and drug-abusing Justin Bieber deported," read the petition. "He is not only threatening the safety of our people, but he is also a terrible influence on our nation's youth." Unfortunately, he would have to physically harm someone to be considered for deportation by US Immigration. But there's good news! Bieber fans have launched a counter-petition to defend their hero—which has only collected 1,500 signatures. Ha. Ha. Ha.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29
New day, new criminal charge against Justin Bieber! The pimple-faced public enemy number one turned himself in to Toronto police tonight to answer to charges he assaulted a limo driver back in December. Apparently, Biebs and five douchey pals climbed into the limo outside a Toronto nightclub, when a fight broke out between the driver and one of the occupants—presumably Bieb-hole. The driver claims he was struck in the back of the head "several times" by the assailant, who then ran away before police could arrive. (Yep, sounds like our Justin!) According to his Canadian lawyer, "Our position is that Mr. Bieber is innocent." Hmmf. Not in this country he's not.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 30
New developments in the "Kanye West beat the crap out of a racist shithead" case! As reported recently, Kanye raced to the defense of fiancée Kim Kardashian when she was being loudly berated by the aforementioned racist shithead, who called her a "ni**er lover" among other terrible things. Kanye pummeled the miscreant in a Beverly Hills chiropractor's office, which unfortunately put him in grave danger with the city's district attorney, and so? He was reportedly forced to settle out of court with the racist loudmouth to the tune of at least $250,000—according to TMZ. Dammit! If there was only some public forum where Kanye could legally bust a racist in the chops without retribution! (Wait for it....)
FRIDAY, JANUARY 31
Well, well, well. Would you LOOK AT THAT. What were we just saying about Kanye West desperately needing a public forum where he could legally bust a racist in the chops? Well, George Zimmerman's ears must've been burning something fierce, because America's Most Famous Racist™—who, let's just check this one thing here... yep! He still totally got away with murdering Trayvon Martin!—has announced that he'll be doing a celebrity boxing match. Ugh, right? Right. Ugh. Except wait! Guess who Zimmerman wants to fight? "Promoters for Zimmerman's upcoming celeb boxing match tell us he badly wants to step in the ring with Yeezus," TMZ reports. "We're told George's beef with Kanye is not just that he attacks paparazzi... but the innocents as well—like the 18-year-old who allegedly called Kim a 'ni**r lover.'" Zimmerman's dislike for a black man who punched a hate-spewing racist is probably the least surprising news ever—and so, dears, here we are: rooting for Kanye, and really, really wanting to see him punch Zimmerman in the face. Hard. So long as Zimmerman doesn't sneak a handgun into the ring, this could be the boxing match that heals a nation.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1
Earlier this week on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, troubled halfwit Justin Bieber got some unsolicited advice—from another troubled halfwit, Miley Cyrus! "You've got a lot of money," Cyrus said on The Tonight Show, hoping to somehow reach Bieber. "Pay people to make sure you don't get in trouble and party at your house." You know, we never thought we'd say this about anything Miley said, but that's actually pretty good advi—oh, wait. She's not done. "Buy a house, and add a club to it!" Cyrus advised, and that's when we changed the channel.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 2
America continued its proud Super Bowl tradition today, settling into the ass-grooves of couches everywhere to eat from tubs of high-fructose corn syrup while watching men—78 percent of whom will file for bankruptcy or face serious financial stress within two years of leaving the field, and a terrifying number of whom will suffer profound head trauma that could lead to depression, violent crimes, and/or suicide—chase around a little ball! (Gooooo Seahawks!) At least one person had a great time today, though, and that'd be—you guessed it!—Justin Bieber! Crashing the Super Bowl party that Maxim magazine threw, TMZ reports Li'l Biebles had his security "shine a bright light at anyone who tried snapping a pic of him inside the party," then flipped off everyone else. Ah, Justin. Just like the Super Bowl, you're always reliably terrible. MEANWHILE... Beloved actor Philip Seymour Hoffman died today at age 46, promptly depressing the hell out of everyone who heard the news. Hoffman died from a suspected heroin overdose in his office in New York City's Greenwich Village—and it was a piece in the New York Times, by film critic A.O. Scott, that best said what everyone was feeling. "Mr. Hoffman's gifts were widely celebrated while he was alive," Scott wrote. "But the shock of his death on Sunday revealed, too soon and too late, the astonishing scale of his greatness and the solidity of his achievement. We did not lose just a very good actor. We may have lost the best one we had." RIP.