TAYLOR SWIFT Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! I (allegedly) lost my virginity to Jake Gyllenhaal! OH, POOR ME.
TAYLOR SWIFT She does know we'd KILL to have our virginity taken by Jake Gyllenhaal, right?

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17

The only reason we watch the Winter Olympics is to drool over the athletes' skin-tight Lycra outfits—which, by accentuating every taut muscle, succeed in dampening our nethers. However, we are consistently distracted from our reverie by the inane chatter of NBC commentators, who sincerely don't know when to shut the fuck up. The inanity came to a boiling head this weekend, when NBC correspondent Christin Cooper interviewed bronze-medal-winning skier Bode Miller—and made him cry after badgering him with questions about his recently deceased brother. CLASSY, CHRISTIN, CLASSY. Cooper asked Miller four leading questions about his dead sibling, and here are two: "I know you wanted to be here with Chilly [Miller's brother] experiencing these games, how much does it mean to you to come up with a great performance for him? And was it for him?" Oh, and yes—the manipulative schmaltz got schmaltzier when she asked, "When you're looking up in the sky at the start... it just looks like you're talking to somebody. What's going on there?" This was about the time Miller fell to his knees and sobbed uncontrollably, after which he walked away without a word. All together now... BOOOOOOO, NBC!!! First it was Bob Costas' crusty pinkeye, and now this? Exactly how much do you hate us, NBC?

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18

And now it's time for "Yesterday's gossip... today!" According to an anonymous "insider" gabbing to Radar Online, country/pop sweetheart Taylor Swift had her petite heart shattered after handing her virginity over to former beau Jake Gyllenhaal—who then refused to attend her 21st birthday party! Oh, the cad! The source says that TSwift (who's now 24) had been "saving herself for marriage"—let's pause to cluck our tongues in sympathy—but was so sure of her and Jakey's eternal love, that after three months of dating, she slipped him the combination to her vaginal vault. OHHHHH, GIRL. (We would've done the same thing!) But then? Shortly after his trip to Taylor's netherland, Jake was a no-show at her 21st birthday bash at her Nashville mansion—even after promising he'd be there! "No texts, no calls," according to the source, who also added, "Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn't show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried all night." Oh, there-there, sweetie! Just put your head on Auntie Ann's shoulder and let it allll out. This reminds us of how we lost our virginity at age 17... it doesn't involve Jake Gyllenhaal and a mansion, but it does include our now Hubby Kip, a six-pack of Keystone Light, and the Slide-On-Inn motel. We ended up paying for the room because Kip "forgot his wallet," and... and... you know what, Taylor Swift? FUCK YOU.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19

While NBC continues to focus on manipulating tears from Olympic competitors and unsuccessfully trying to disguise Bob Costas' runny eyeballs, Russian girl-power heroes Pussy Riot have been in Sochi protesting President Vladimir Putin's assault on human rights—and paying a dear price. As you recall, three members of Pussy Riot were sentenced to two years in prison for protesting in a Moscow cathedral... but were released a few weeks early in an apparent attempt by the Russian leader to appear lenient. Well, the women have refused to be silent, and while planning to protest the Olympics in Sochi, Russian authorities arrested them last night. While they were later released, today—attempting to perform 20 miles away from the Olympic village—they were attacked and beaten by Cossack militiamen WITH WHIPS. Their trademark ski masks were yanked off their heads, and at least one member was bleeding as the cowardly Cossacks whipped the women. However, the band wasn't arrested—probably out of fear of a public backlash, which came about anyway after video of the beating spread like wildfire across the internet. Quite a country you have there, Mr. Putin—and as for Pussy Riot? Your message was received loud and clear.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20

Congratulations to tongue-wagging pop star Miley Cyrus and former My So-Called Life dreamboat Jared Leto, who, according to a salivating Us magazine, have been hooking up both mentally and physically. Besides sharing an alleged "sleep over" at his house in February, the pair has been photographed hanging out around Hollyweird. Says a snoopy spy, "They love to talk about art and music... and they're both comfortable with nudity!" We have to admit we'd love to see a Hannah Montana and Jordan Catalano wedding—especially if the ceremony were performed by Reverend Urkel.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21

Last week we awarded the prestigious One Day's Pretentious Ass of the Week Award to Shia LaBeouf, who—in an art installation called "#IAMSORRY"—sat silently in a Los Angeles gallery with a paper bag over his head inscribed with the words "I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE." Sad you missed it? Of course you aren't! But someone is! "I Waited In Line Today On Beverly Blvd To See @thecampaignbook I Never Got To See Him But I Had A Very Important Message To Deliver," 15-year-old Fresh Princelet Jaden Smith tweeted at Shia. "I'm Here If You Need A Fellow Insane Person To Talk To. But I'm Seriously Here Not Like One Of Those I'm Here For You's That Everybody Says. It Was A Message That Could Only Be Understood Artist To Artist. @thecampaignbook I'm Here For You I Believe In What Your Doing." As E! reports, "Shia is the only person that Smith follows on Twitter" and "Shia has yet to respond to the friendly gesture." Well, that's one thing you've done right, Shia. Don't reply to that kid until Professor Jazzy Jeff teaches him how capital letters work. MEANWHILE... Pulling his own equivalent of putting a paper bag over his head and trying to insist he isn't famous anymore is the profoundly unlikeable Alec Baldwin—whose repeated homophobic hate speech has finally caught up with him. In a self-congratulatory, long-winded essay in New York magazine that he melodramatically titled "Good-Bye, Public Life," Baldwin blames everyone in the media for his problems, vows to move into a gated community where he won't ever be bothered by his critics, brags about how much he's given to charity, calls somebody a "tranny" for good measure, and—eh, forget it. See you later, Alec! Don't let the door hit your already forgotten ass on the way out!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 22

Congratulations to One Day favorite Charlie Sheen, who's now engaged to Brett Rossi—star of Seduced by Mommy 2, Kittens and Cougars 5, My Roommate's a Lesbian 3, This Ain't Terminator XXX, and, of course, The Yoga Instructor. This will be the fourth marriage for Sheen, who, according to TMZ, "proposed Saturday morning after he flew Rossi to Hawaii on a private jet—then bragged about the proposal to a local photog." Yep, that sounds about right. "Looks like Charlie's finally getting his life together!" said Hubby Kip, who added that Rossi is "a very talented actress" and hoped "her wedding won't get in the way of a sequel to Bondage Tongue Bath." So... moving on? MOVING ON... The Guardian, in covering Ellen Page's fantastic coming-out speech last week, outed Patrick Stewart! "Some gay people, such as Sir Patrick Stewart, think Page's coming-out speech is newsworthy," the venerable British newspaper reported. But there was one teensy little problem with that sentence: Stewart isn't gay. "Well, @guardian it makes for a nice change," the impossibly charming Stewart tweeted. "At least I didn't wake up to the internet telling me I was dead again." So... what're the chances we can divorce Hubby Kip and marry Patrick Stewart?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 23

Speaking of divorce.... "There might be a slight holdup in Charlie Sheen's wedding to new fiancée Brett Rossi—she's still married," reports the New York Daily News! "Rossi is currently legally wed to husband Jonathan Ross, but that small fact doesn't seem to bother Sheen." To be fair, there isn't much that bothers Sheen. It's what makes him Sheen! (Confidential to Jonathan Ross: You've been Sheened!) MEANWHILE... Another perennial star of One Day, Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles star Megan Fox, has officially named the second child she's had with her husband, 90210 star Brian Austin Green—and in grand celebrity tradition, it's terrible! Allow us to be the first to welcome you into the world, Bodhi Ransom Green, and we're sorry you have such a profoundly stupid name. THAT REMINDS US... This week seals the deal: We can officially add "naming babies" to the long list of things celebrities should be legally forbidden from doing, including but not limited to crying about being deflowered by Jake Gyllenhaal, putting paper bags on your head, and/or writing stupid farewell pieces for New York magazine.