MONDAY, FEBRUARY 24
America threw their hats in the air today in celebration of the news that not just one loathsome celebrity couple broke up... but TWO! Couple number one: pop star Robin Thicke (the pig best known for his piggish song "Blurred Lines") and his poor, insanely patient wife Paula Patton. According to the tabs, poor Paula has been putting up with Robin's wandering eye (and rumored wandering penis) for years, and apparently decided that enough was indeed "enough." According to TMZ, Paula gave Robin the heave-ho, causing him to cancel an Atlanta concert (where he claimed "throat problems," because he's a liar), so he could rush home and plead for forgiveness. Unfortunately for Robin, those (probably insincere) pleas fell on deaf ears... but maybe he can hear this: Ha. Ha. Ha. MEANWHILE... Celebrity breakup number two: pop tartlet Katy Perry and serial lothario John Mayer. As you undoubtedly recall, this wasn't Katy's first trip to the John Mayer rodeo. They originally dated—and broke up—back in the summer of 2012, and that was after he had already dated Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Love Hewitt... shall we go on? Long story short: SHE SHOULDA KNOWN BETTA. And yet, unbelievably, one of their friends still assumed Katy and John were heading to the altar, telling E! News, "They are so perfect together." Umm. If by "perfect" the friend means, "pathologically ill suited, and perhaps mentally ill"... then sure. Why not. Perfect.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25
"A psychologist said to me, there are only two important questions you have to ask yourself: What do you really feel? And, what do you really want? If you can answer those two, you can probably leave your neuroses behind you." That's today's first really good piece of life advice, courtesy of comedian/writer/director Harold Ramis, who passed away this week at the too-young age of 69. Co-writer of Animal House, and director of Caddyshack, Ramis also co-starred in Stripes (which Hubby Kip quotes with frightening regularity), as well as Ghostbusters, in which his character Dr. Egon Spengler utters today's SECOND really good piece of life advice: "Don't cross the streams." Bon voyage, Mr. Ramis—you will be missed. MEANWHILE... According to TMZ, the Florida State Attorney has offered a plea deal to Justin Bieber in his DUI/resisting arrest case—you know, where he was allegedly caught drag racing through Miami Beach, and then got unsurprisingly mouthy with the cops. The state has agreed to drop both charges IF Justin pleads "no contest" to reckless driving, completes 40 hours of community service, attends an alcohol education course, and submits to random drug tests. In other words, no prison time. And what was Justin's response? GO SCREW. He informed the State of Florida, that, in no uncertain terms, he's rejecting their deal, and will see them all in court. YAYYY!!! Oh, this is going to be sooooo goooooood.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Disgraced TV chef Paula Deen is back in the gossip pages, and proving once again she is incapable of shutting her stupid, racist mouth. It's taken nearly a year, but after admitting she used the n-word, she's almost rebuilt her diabetes-inflicting empire thanks to a $75 million investment from Najafi Media (whose strategy is to gamble on people and enterprises with ruined reputations). In this week's People magazine, Paula reflects on her struggles, and—naturally—adds just a pinch of racism. "I feel like 'embattled' or 'disgraced' will always follow my name," Deen said. "It's like that black football player who recently came out. He said, 'I just want to be known as a football player.' I know exactly what he's saying." Thank you, Paula, for pointing out that the NFL's first openly gay prospect, Michael Sam, is "black"—because otherwise, we would have assumed it was any of the 100 "first openly gay NFL prospects." (Good luck, Najafi Media... YOU'LL NEED IT.)
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Today Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoed SB1062, a bill designed to allow religious business owners to deny service to gay customers. While stamping a veto on such a bigoted, economy-ruining piece of legislation may seem like a no-brainer, don't forget there are many people in America (primarily Teabaggy conservatives) who happily exist without brains. For example, Tea Party sweetheart Joe Walsh, who twattered at Brewer, "Way to make this all about you. You caved to big business." But some of the harshest words came from fellow Republican (and right-wing media critic) Dan Gainor, who accused the governor of vetoing the bill "because you're a cowardly non-conservative and you just killed any chance you'll ever have at a national role in #GOP." OH, DEAR. With friends like that, who needs Democrats?
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28
"I came here today for a few reasons. One, I'm a huge House of Cards fan," loveable goof Seth Rogen said this week while speaking to the Senate Committee on Appropriations about the increasing number of American deaths from Alzheimer's and lack of Alzheimer's research funding. "Two, is to say, people need more help," Rogen continued. "I've personally seen the massive amount of financial strain this disease causes, and if the American people ever decide to reject genitalia-driven comedy, I will no longer be able to afford it. I can't begin to imagine how people with more limited incomes are dealing with this." Rogen, whose mother-in-law suffers from Alzheimer's, mentioned his organization Hilarity for Charity ("That's right. The situation is so dire that it caused me, a lazy, self-involved, generally self-medicated man-child, to start an entire charity organization"), and urged senators to allocate more funds to finding treatment and a cure for Alzheimer's. And if that wasn't great enough, Rogen then took senators to task for not paying attention, posting a picture of the row of mostly empty seats he had spoken to. "Not sure why only two senators were at the hearing," Rogen twattered. "Very symbolic of how the government views Alzheimer's. Seems to be a low priority." Nice work, Seth. Keep it up. We hereby anoint you the Third-Greatest Celebrity There Ever Was, just after Amy Poehler and George Clooney! (And since Clooney wasn't ever on Freaks and Geeks, you might have an advantage.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 1
Finally, Snoop Dogg and Oprah have settled their feud—at least according to an Instagram showing Snoop embracing Oprah and Oprah's BFF Gayle King! Snoop titled the picture "Black history." IN RELATED NEWS... Apparently Snoop Dogg and Oprah had a feud? Okay! Glad you guys are buddies now! Moving on.
SUNDAY, MARCH 2
Another year, another bloated, self-congratulatory Academy Awards—and this time, we weren't the only party poopers in Hollyweird! "This year's Oscars was more like an endurance test—turgid, badly directed, poorly produced, and featuring an endless string of tired or wince-inducing moments from host Ellen DeGeneres," sneered the Hollywood Reporter's Tim Goodman. Meanwhile, actress Julie Delpy went off in the Independent, noting that those who vote on the Oscars are "90 percent white men over 70, who need money because they haven't done anything in a long time. You just need to give them two or three presents and they're in your pocket." Look, look—while everyone knows the Oscars are a meaningless, corrupt popularity contest, all we ask is that everyone wears pretty dresses, Jennifer Lawrence gets a chance to be charming, and everything isn't messed up by John Travolt—oh, damn it. THIS JUST IN... Travolta had one job at the Oscars: to introduce Frozen's Idina Menzel! So naturally, what did he call her? "Adele Dazeem." Thanks for nothing, Travolta! ANOTHER THING JUST IN! "Oh, the Oscars are fun! And give John a break, Ann!" official Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII said via holochat. "Just before the show I was talking with John at the Celebrity Centre, and he was very nervous! Anyway, Frozen is way overrated. And oh, I'm so sorry, Julie Delpy! Corrupt old white men are in charge of your little Oscar party? Just like they're in charge of your entire pitiful planet? Geez! You guys should just make like a Xanthian Ice Shark and chill out." Or, at least, that's what Klaktu said until we read him the following headline from Us: "Exclusive: Sean Penn, Charlize Theron Make Out at Madonna's Oscars Afterparty." "Ewww! Gross!" Klaktu shrieked, shaking the putrid slime from his slippery tentacles in a gesture clearly intended to convey intergalactic disgust. "I take it all back, Ann. The Oscars are the worst."