MONDAY, JANUARY 29 Gossip: It's a thirst that can never be quenched! And so, here are a couple gulps of gab to soothe your parched throat, starting with... TYRA BANKS! The former supermodel had a plus-sized freakout this week, when a blogger posted her swimsuit photos on the internet and somewhat callously labeled her as "fat." In response, she appeared on her daytime talk show—dressed in a rather unflattering one-piece swimsuit—and delivered what has come to be known as the Tyra Banks Fat-o-Festo in which she screamed, "To all those who have a problem with me, or women built like me, to women whose husbands put them down, women at work, women in school... I have one thing (sob) to say to you... KISS... MY... FAT... ASS!" Way to go, Tyra! If Mussolini looked hot in a swimsuit, you'd be him. (Now, can you please get the trains to run on time?) MEANWHILE... And speaking of all things hot, parents across the globe were mortified when photos of 17-year-old Daniel Radcliffe (movie-dom's Harry Potter) were released today picturing him kinda naked-ish... and mostly hot. In a non-pedophilic sort of way. The young actor is currently starring in a British version of the naughty stage play Equus, and the photos have predictably raised the ire of fussy parents bombarding the Harry Potter websites with emails. Here's one now: "We as parents feel Daniel should not appear nude. Our nine-year-old looks up to him as a role model." We're with the parents on this one. If that nine-year-old wants to be more like Daniel (i.e., HOT!), he should start doing more crunches. That kid's abs look like shit.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 30 With all the has-been celebrities lining up to appear on whatever reality show television executives are trotting out this season, it's not surprising that poor Courtney Love wanted in on the action. Today Courtney was obviously elated that she had been invited by executive producer Nigel Lythgoe to appear as a guest judge on the reality singing competition American Idol. "He called," Courtney told Us Weekly, "He was wondering if I was interested. I thought it was kind of weird, but brilliant." Another source intimated that Courtney might even be a possible replacement for the increasingly bizarre Paula Abdul. Unfortunately for Courtney, her short-lived dream to replace Paula was just that—because Courtney? YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D! "I did not call Courtney Love and am afraid someone may have misrepresented me," said the real Nigel Lythgoe. Courtney is a very talented artist...but we have no plans to add or to replace [any of our judges]." OUCH. Look, whoever is prank calling Courtney really needs to cut it out. (Unless you're planning on impersonating Kurt Cobain and saying, "Boooooooooo! Courrrrtneeeeey! Whyyyy did you killllll meeeeeeeee?? BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 31 When one considers Boston, one normally thinks of funny accents ("I pahked the cah in Hahvahd yahd"), Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting ("How do you like dem apples?"), and baked beans. Now we can add scaredy-cat sissies to the list. Today Boston went on high alert after at least five blinking boxes were discovered scattered across the city, causing the shutdowns of several major bridges, busy streets, and even the Charles River, which leads to the Atlantic Ocean. Though authorities feared these blinking boxes were explosive devices, any college pothead could have easily identified the characters pictured on the packages as those from the Cartoon Network's animated show Aqua Teen Hunger Force. As it turns out the blinking boxes—which looked much more like "Lite Brites" than any kind of legitimate bomb—were promotional ads for the upcoming Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. What's more, the blinking box promotion appeared in cities across the country—including various locations around Portland—and no one wet their pants except Boston. When asked for a response, still uncaptured terrorist Osama bin Laden said, "For future reference, if we're going to blow you up? We won't be decorating our nuclear devices with blinking lights in the shape of cartoon characters... unless you're talking about Garfield. Oh, boy... he's really funny. I like it when he eats lasagna."
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 1 Poor Barack Obama. Not only does he have to suffer the indignity of kicking off a presidential campaign with Fox News trying to link his name with that of a similar-sounding terrorist who really loves Garfield, now he has to endure being racially insulted by fellow Democrats. When Senator Joe Biden was announcing his campaign for the presidency yesterday, he inadvertently lit a racial fire when he brought up his competitor, Barack Obama. "I mean, you got the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy," Biden blurted out. "I mean, that's a storybook, man." As you have probably surmised at this point, Biden's statement was offensive and wrong on myriad levels—but mostly for inferring that black people who are articulate, bright, and most alarmingly "clean," are in short supply. There's also the thing about Obama being "the first" candidate who enjoys being "articulate" and "clean," leaving out such notable candidates as Jesse Jackson, Shirley Chisholm, Carol Moseley Braun, and Al Sharpton. Naturally, Biden claims his words were taken out of context, adding he was "drunk as an Injun" at the time.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 2 "Welcome to Taco Bell. I'm Kevin Federline. How can I help you?" That's what Taco Bell wants K.Fed to say, anyway. After word broke that Fed-Ex would be in a Super Bowl commercial that featured the never-was rapper playing a fast food employee, the National Restaurant Association criticized Federline for insulting fast-food employees. Taco Bell President Greg Creed even wrote to Federline, inviting him to give Taco Bell a shot: "We'll get you a uniform, a custom name tag and show you what a great place Taco Bell is to work," Creed wrote. Federline quickly apologized for the slight, and went back to cramming his face with gorditas, playing Grand Theft Auto, and remembering the glory days of his career, like that one time he was in that sweet Super Bowl commercial.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 3 This week multi-kazillionaire/sometimes author J.K. Rowling announced that the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, will be released on July 21. Faster than you can say "wingardium leviosa!" nerdlings across the globe flocked to the internet to pre-order their copy—and by the looks of things, this one will sell even more than Rowling's last book, Harry Potter and the Apparently Inexhaustible Wallets of Junior High School Nerdlings and Lonely Women with an Unhealthy Fascination with Their Cats. MEANWHILE... Take that, naysayers! Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab! Well, sort of... if by "in rehab" you really mean "partying with Paris Hilton and sending sexy text messages." Apparently, when Lohan isn't sneaking out of LA's Wonderland rehab center to party with Paris, she's "sending sexy text messages" to "bachelor-about-town Brody Jenner." According to Us magazine, one of those text messages claimed that "all [Lohan] wanted was 'McDonalds and sex.'" Oh, c'mon, LiLo! Everybody knows that when you text someone for a fast-food fix, you text K.Fed. He'll totally share his Crunchwrap Supreme with you!
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 4 Criticizing the "rancid politics" of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John McCain, and pretty much anyone who isn't named "Ralph Nader," Ralph "Feel Free to Blame Me for George W. Bush Getting Elected Back in 2000" Nader has threatened to ruin everything again in 2008. When asked about Hillary, the rambling, confused 72-year-old proclaimed, "I don't think she has the fortitude. Actually she's really a panderer and a flatterer. As she goes around the country, you'll see more of that." When asked about whether he was going to run in '08, Nader replied "It's really too early to say... I'll consider it later in the year." Actually, Ralph, if you could get back to us sooner rather than later on that, it'd be great. See, we'd just like to know if the three percent of the population that's stoned enough to vote for you is going to make us say "President Giuliani" until 2012.