MONDAY, MARCH 10
Snotty, arrogant, and bratty superstar Justin Bieber has been called many things—including snotty, arrogant, and bratty. But there was never really any hard proof of his demeanor... until now! JBieb recently gave a taped deposition in the case of his bodyguard who stands accused of assaulting a Florida photog—and the leaked video (distributed to the world via TMZ) is GLORIOUS. This is douchey Justin at his absolute douchiest, as he refuses to give straight answers to even the simplest of questions from the lawyers in attendance, repeating "I don't recall" with increasingly smug glee. Even when JB is asked if he's ever been to Australia, he turns to his counsel and sarcastically asks, "I don't know if I've ever been to Australia. Have I been to Australia?" Later, when a lawyer asks him about former (and reportedly current) girlfriend Selena Gomez, Bieber very nearly loses his shit, jabbing his finger in the air, and warning opposing counsel six times, "Don't ever ask me about her again!" (Yeah, opposing counsel! That's our job!) But don't fret! Within minutes Justin was back to smiling smugly to himself, and when the lawyer asked him if there was something funny about his questions, Bieber replied, "I dunno, Katie Couric, you tell me." (Okay, fine. That was a sick burn.) But JB's finest moment came when the attorney asked if R&B star Usher was "instrumental" to Justin's early career, to which he replied, "[Actually] I was found on YouTube. I think I was detrimental to my own career." Hahahahahahaaaaa! Yes, indeed you were, are, and forever shall be "detrimental" to your own career, Justin. And we hope you never change.
TUESDAY, MARCH 11
It's a rare day when Lindsay Lohan finds her way back onto the One Day at a Time page—but when she does? She NEVER disappoints. During a recent get-together with girlfriends at the Beverly Hills Hotel, Lindsay and her gang began playing the old "What Famous People Have You Slept With?" game. Naturally, when it came LiLo's turn, she had a bit of trouble remembering every celebrity she had plowed—and therefore allegedly wrote all 36 names down on a Scattergories score sheet. (SQUEEEEEE!!! This list is like the Ark of the Covenant for gossip whores!) After it was carelessly tossed aside (junior-varsity move, Lindsay!), In Touch magazine obtained the hookup list, which included, among many others, the following A-listers (some of whom are in serious relationships—whoopsies!): Colin Farrell, Adam Levine, Zac Efron, Justin Timberlake, Wilmer Valderrama, Joaquin Phoenix, James Franco, and even Heath Ledger (you know... before). To Lindsay's credit, those are some sweet pieces of man-ass. And whenever she wants to play "Scattergories" with us, we're ready! (Hey! We once slept with someone who was eventually an extra on Leverage!)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12
As sadly reported last week, it appears that former Disney princess Selena Gomez and the douchetastic Justin Bieber are back together again. (GROAN. Eye roll. Shudder.) How did JB woo her back into his life? According to Radar Online, he bought her $10,000 in flowers—though we suspect being an insecure-mess-recently-out-of-rehab might have something to do with it. Regardless, Gomez's bestie Taylor Swift reportedly has had enough of her front-row seat to this dysfunctional on-again-off-again relationship, and has dumped Selena for greener BFF pastures: in particular, Gomez's alleged archenemy, pop singer Lorde. (Why do they hate each other? The New Zealander labeled one of Gomez's songs "anti-feminist," while Lorde has a single name with a silent "e" on the end, and dances like a dinosaur. Wait... that's the reason we hate her.) MEANWHILE... Comedian/actor Seth Rogen was asked why he called Justin Bieber "a piece of shit" on his Twatter machine. His response: "[Because] in my opinion, Justin Bieber is a piece of shit." When asked to elaborate, Rogen continued, "He seems like he's obnoxious and ungrateful, insincere, and he puts people's lives at danger and overall he acts like a piece of shit." Hmmm... well, we guess when he puts it that way, he's right.
THURSDAY, MARCH 13
Following a concert performance in Milwaukee, Miley Cyrus admitted via Twatter that, during the show, she missed a costume change and was forced to run out on stage and perform in her underwear. To the un-shocking non-amazement of everyone involved, no one in the audience noticed the difference.
FRIDAY, MARCH 14
Well, dears, Hubby Kip just stumbled into our home office dressed as a leprechaun, reeking of Baileys, and proclaiming his eagerness to spend the weekend "celebratin' me people" (note: Hubby Kip is zero percent Irish), so let's get today's gossip out of the way—because if past St. Patrick's Day weekends are any indication, someone is about to try to pour himself a "Guinness bath," then clumsily try to pull someone he's married to into said bath, and then fall asleep in his own filth for 36 straight hours. (He's also had the Cranberries' No Need to Argue on repeat for the past three hours, in case you thought things couldn't get any worse.) ANYWAY... Miley Cyrus got a new lip tattoo! According to Digital Spy, "the small tattoo... which can only be seen when she pulls down her lower lip... is of a yellow cat crying a single blue tear" accompanied by the words "Sad Kitty." Wow. That is terrible. Digital Spy goes on to note that MyCy now has "over 20 tattoos," including a dreamcatcher and "a quote by Theodore Roosevelt." Teddy, behold your legacy. MEANWHILE... This week at music/film/tech/obnoxious twentysomething fest SXSW, Lady Gaga had "vomit painter" Millie Brown—who splatters canvases with regurgitated liquids—throw up on her during a performance of the song "Swine." Everyone would have rolled their eyes and moved on... if that damned Demi Lovato hadn't criticized the performance for glamorizing bulimia! "There's a clear difference between using my body to create something beautiful, to express myself and feel powerful, rather than using it to punish myself and conform to society's standards," Millie Brown insisted to TMZ, presumably before finding something else to go vomit on for attention.
SATURDAY, MARCH 15
"According to the New York State Comptroller's Office, Wall Street firms handed out $26.7 billion in bonuses to their 165,200 employees last year, up 15 percent over the previous year. That's their third-largest haul on record," a post on billmoyers.com by Global Economy Project Director Sarah Anderson notes. But here's the punchline: "The $26.7 billion [that] Wall Streeters pocketed in bonuses would cover the cost of more than doubling the paychecks for all of the 1,085,000 Americans who work full-time at the current federal minimum wage of $7.25 per hour." Hmm. Maybe it's better to think of "punchline," in this context, not as something that makes you laugh, but rather as something that makes you feel like you've been punched in the stomach. IN LESS DEPRESSING NEWS... Star Trek's Captain Kirk, Chris Pine, has pled guilty to drunken driving in New Zealand, according to the New Zealand Herald! Thankfully, Captain Kirk did not hit any hobbits while veering around the Shire, and thankfully, the esteemed New Zealand Herald will now return to its regular hard-hitting coverage about sheep.
SUNDAY, MARCH 16
In delightful news, abusive asshat Chris Brown has been dumped by his on-again, off-again girlfriend Karrueche Tran—who was angry that Chris Brown's other on-again, off-again girlfriend, Rihanna, had visited Brown in rehab. Good on you, Karrueche! Would've been better if you had the sense not to date him in the first place, but.... SPEAKING OF RIHANNA... "Multiple sources extremely close to the couple" tell TMZ that Rihanna and Drake are "seriously dating." "We're told Rihanna wants to spend as much time with Drake as her schedule will allow—because he treats her better than anyone she's ever been with. Not a high bar," TMZ claims. Good on you, Rihanna! And let us never speak of that abusive asshat Chris Brown again. MEANWHILE... Eighty-four-year-old Fred Phelps—the founder of the repugnant Westboro Baptist Church, which harasses the families of recently deceased LGBT people by showing up at their funerals with "God Hates Fags" signs—is, according to one of his estranged children, "on the edge of death" at a hospice center in Topeka, Kansas. The hateful Phelps caused an enormous amount of pain, but Star Trek actor and gay rights advocate George Takei took to his popular Facebook page to put Phelps' impending death in perspective. "I take no solace or joy in this man's passing," Takei wrote. "We will not dance upon his grave [or] stand vigil at his funeral holding 'God Hates Freds' signs, tempting as it may be. He was a tormented soul, who tormented so many. Hate never wins out in the end. It instead goes always to its lonely, dusty end."