MONDAY, MARCH 17
Remember how we reported that Chris Brown's stay in rehab made him a changed man? Ummm... we may have spoken a weeee bit too soon. Brown is currently sitting in jail after being kicked out of rehab on Friday for violation of facility rules. The judge had previously ordered Brown to stay in rehab—but immediately after getting kicked out, Brown was arrested and will remain in solitary confinement until April 23, when the judge will decide if he'll be transferred to prison for parole violation. SO. What did Chris do to get himself kicked out of rehab? Three things: He initially refused to submit to a drug test (that's a no-no!), he touched one of the rehab's female clients (that's a no-no, especially for him-him), and he made fun of the "morning reflections" session (that's a no... wait, WHAT?). Apparently "morning reflections" is a group session where participants "reflect" out loud on different topics. A report from the facility says Brown "drew a reflection card that mentioned excelling and being good at things. When reading his card, Mr. Brown chose to add his own words to the card, stating that, 'I am good at using guns and knives.'" UH-OH. "Another client asked if he was serious about this goal," the report continued, and Brown replied, "'Of course,' while shaking his head no." And for that very poorly worded joke, Chris Brown is now spending the next month of his life in solitary confinement, with the very real threat of being sent to prison for years. (Maybe he can spend that time refining his comedy routine.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 18
Last week we squealed in glee when In Touch revealed Lindsay Lohan's alleged "bang list"—36 Hollyweird celebrities that she supposedly slept with... written on a Scattergories score sheet. (LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL SOMETIMES!!) The list—which was allegedly written as a game with friends—included such bangable luminaries as Justin Timberlake, Adam Levine, Zac Efron, and Joaquin Phoenix. SQUEEAAAAALL! But! There were also names on the list that In Touch intentionally blacked out—because they smartly realized they'd sell more magazines if they released the identities of the A-listers a few at a time. (Sneaky, sneaky!) And so? Here are four new names to add to LiLo's list of celebrity bangs: Orlando Bloom (niiice), Ryan Phillippe (yumm), Benicio Del Toro (we're envisioning the younger BDel), and... and... ASHTON KUTCHER?? Oh sweet Jesus, Lindsay!! You have your pick of gorgeous Hollyweird hunks and you pick this no-talent turd? Tell you what... let's just black out his name again, and forget it ever happened. Now, where were we? Ahhh, yes. Yummy Ryan Phillippe... mmmmm... so bangable.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19
Okay, so you know all about that missing Malaysian jetliner no one can find, right? (Yes, you do, because according to CNN, that's the only story in the world worth reporting.) Well, it's a mystery that's stumped the greatest minds in aviation and technology. However, the answer to this confounding tragedy might be found in the most unlikely of places: the brain of Courtney Love! The former lead singer of Hole has been investigating the jet's disappearance, and after studying "tons and tons" of satellite photos (from the crowd-sourcing service tomnod.com), she posted a picture of a small section of ocean with the following analysis on her Twatter account: "I'm no expert but up close this does look like a plane and an oil slick...." Sure enough, there is what looks like oil, and something long submerged underwater. However, tomnod.com quickly ruled out the theory, saying it was probably just one of "the other boats operating in the region." But let's not be too hasty! Because if Courtney Love can solve one of the greatest mysteries of modern times? That means everything we've learned about the universe thus far is now in question!
THURSDAY, MARCH 20
To the surprise of absolutely no one, screeching harpy Kim Kardashian and her latest marital conquest Kanye West are being total dicks about their upcoming wedding in Paris. According to Radar Online, all guests must agree to sign a strict confidentiality agreement (swearing not to discuss or distribute pics to the media) and have their cell phones confiscated. Why? Because according to an insider, Kim and Kanye want to sell the photos themselves, as well as save all wedding footage for her abysmal reality show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians. (Wonder if K&K will stay married long enough to see the episode air on TV?)
FRIDAY, MARCH 21
Just when you thought the anti-vaccination crowd couldn't get any ditzier (yes, Jenny McCarthy, your ears are burning, and no, there still isn't anything between them), along comes someone else to ditz everything up! The latest nitwit who doesn't understand science is, natch, The Hills star Kristin Cavallari—who, on Watch What Happens Live, announced she didn't vaccinate her son Camden because, "You know what, I've read too many books about autism." "There are very scary statistics out there about vaccines and what they cause," Cavallari continued, neglecting to mention that those statistics are imaginary. "Asthma, allergies, ear infections, all kinds of things." In related news, "New York City is currently experiencing an outbreak of measles," the New York Daily News reports, adding, "officials are saying that unvaccinated children need to get their shots." Good luck out there, Camden! Pay no mind to that pesky, devastating disease we thought we'd gotten rid of decades ago. MEANWHILE... "Justin Bieber has joined a very exclusive mile-high club that does not involve banging... but it does involve body parts and a little prick." Thus begins TMZ's beautifully written report about how Bieber got "fresh ink on a flight to Canada" by a tattoo artist named (wait for it...) Bang Bang. Bang Bang reportedly inked the word "Forgive" on Bieber's stomach at "40,000 feet" during "terrible turbulence"; afterward, Bieber sent Bang Bang a text explaining the tattoo. "Forgiveness is powerful," L'il Biebles wrote, "forgive as Jesus died on the cross to forgive our sins." Quick! Does anybody know if Bieber was vaccinated for measles? How quickly can we get him to New York?
SATURDAY, MARCH 22
Speaking of text messages, perennial One Day heartbreaker George Clooney is still ignoring ours—possibly because the 52-year-old dreamboat is on vacay in the Seychelles with his new girlfriend, 36-year-old British lawyer Amal Alamuddin! (In related news, we now hate—hate, hate, HATE—Amal Alamuddin.) "Both looked appropriately breezy," Us reports. "Alamuddin wore a straw hat and a colorful beach cover-up, while Clooney sported a t-shirt and shorts. He had what looked like a beer in his hand, and she sipped from some kind of tropical fruit." (Of course that's what Alamuddin was drinking. Ugh. TYPICAL.) "She's very smart and can hold a conversation," a clearly lying "insider" told Us, and now we're so depressed that we're going to go out to the pool and make ourselves a drink. A real drink! A martini. Not something that comes in some kind of tropical fruit. UGH! (And we might text George a few times. To tell him he's making a terrible, terrible mistake.)
SUNDAY, MARCH 23
Earlier this week, we noted Lindsay Lohan slept with Ashton Kutcher—and, as is our duty, we criticized her for doing so. But hey, at least things didn't go really wrong—at least she didn't have Ashton's baby or something! That would be gross and—THIS JUST IN! "Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are engaged and going to be parents!" squeals E! Online. "Kunis is pregnant with the couple's first child," the story continues, adding that Kunis "was even recently spotted attending a prenatal yoga class in Hollywood." Well, dears, everything is officially horrible, and it looks like it's back to the pool for us, where hopefully we can throw back a few more drinks and forget that we live in a world where Kutchers are allowed to reprodu—WAIT! SOMETHING ELSE JUST CAME IN! George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are back in America... and apparently, they "returned from their South African vacation with bright orange tans," reports Us. Ha! Bright orange tans! How humiliating! We totally wouldn't want to be Amal Alamuddin right now! (Let us have that lie, dears. It's for our sanity. As is this martini.)