MONDAY, MARCH 24
Well, darlings... we've been dreading this terrible day, and it's finally happened: Kim Kardashian is on the cover of Vogue magazine. (To which God responded, "What? Is there no ME??") Naturally the fashion world threw up all over their size zero dresses upon hearing the news, because—generally speaking—one usually has to do or have done something to score a Vogue cover (and no, making sex tapes and being a horrid, opportunistic sea-hag doesn't count). Famed Vogue editor Anna Wintour put out a strongly worded defense of her ridiculous decision on the same day the cover was released because... she knew exactly what the reaction would be. Says Wintour: "You may have read that Kanye West begged me to put his fiancée on Vogue's cover [Right here in One Day!—Ann]. He did nothing of the sort. [She's lying!—Ann] The gossip might make better reading, but the simple fact is that it isn't true [It's good reading, and totally true!—Ann]." For months Kanye has been screaming to anyone within earshot that it's Kim's god-given right to appear in the world's most respected fashion magazine—because after all, she produces her own line of clothing (the ill-named Kardashian Kollection)... for Sears! (GAG.) Longtime supermodel Naomi Campbell was asked what she thought about Wintour's Kontroversial Kardashian Kover, and had this to say: "I've been working for 28 years, and when you get a Vogue cover, [it ought to signify] a build in your career." She then erupted in gales of mirthless laughter—the kind that says, "Why did I work so hard when all I needed to do was get a loud-mouthed boyfriend and a sex tape?"
TUESDAY, MARCH 25
Well, darlings... we've all been anticipating this joyous day, and are astonished it didn't come sooner: Gwyneth Paltrow and long-suffering hubby Chris Martin are SPLITZO. From Paltrow's terrible website, Goop: "[Chris and I] have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner." Wait... "consciously uncouple?" WOW! Gwyneth Paltrow can't even dump her hubby without sounding like a bourgeois a-hole! Anyway, unreasonable requests for "privacy" aside, tongues are already viciously wagging about the cause of the separation. One insider tells the New York Daily News, "They haven't been a couple for a number of years, and have been pretending." Meanwhile, gossipy app Whisper recently alleged that Paltrow has been sexually canoodling with entertainment lawyer Kevin Yorn—a rumor that was supposedly the creamy center of a proposed Vanity Fair article that was scuttled after Gwynnie had a threatening heart-to-heart with editor Graydon Carter. (BTW, both Graydon and Anna Wintour are now charter members of the "Worthless Celebrities Dictate Our Editorial Content Club.")
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 26
Dreamboat Disney boytoy Zac Efron found himself on the receiving end of a sock to the jaw—after the reportedly recovering addict found himself "mysteriously" on the wrong side of LA! TMZ reports that Zac was sitting in a car with his bodyguard, which just happened to run out of gas underneath a freeway where people are known to purchase drugs (nothing suspicious about that), when the star threw a bottle out his window, enraging a group of transients nearby. At least three of the onlookers attacked the pair, with one of the men punching Zac solidly in the jaw (ouch!), before police arrived to break up the melee. No one was arrested—not even the man who smashed Zac's beautiful face... who at least should be charged with attempting to destroy a priceless work of art, right? (At least he didn't damage Zac's rock-hard and lickable abs! Sighhhh.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 27
In a wasted attempt to get people to stop laughing at her for labeling her impending divorce as "consciously uncoupling," special snowflake Gwyneth Paltrow enlisted the confusing talents of Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami to explain why Gwynnie's split with hubby Chris Martin is so much more evolved than yours. Note: Their explanation is torturously long, undecipherable, and sprinkled with words like "psycho-spiritual spine" and "spiritual support structure." BLECCH! But here's the nut of what the doctors wrote: "In fact, it would be interesting to see how much easier couples might commit to each other by thinking of their relationship in terms of daily renewal instead of a lifetime investment." When we asked our Hubby Kip for his thoughts, he suggested we retire to the bedroom for some "conscious coupling"—which he then needlessly explained was "naked sexy time." (We told him "no," because our "psycho-spiritual spine" was aching.)
FRIDAY, MARCH 28
While Gwyneth Paltrow continues to hold her title as Earth's Most Obnoxious Human Being, Earth's second-most obnoxious human being, Anne Hathaway, is—god bless her obnoxious little heart!—trying to change her obnoxious ways. After hiding out since winning an Oscar for the awful Les Miserables ("My impression is that people needed a break from me," Hathaway said, correctly realizing that yes, we all did need a break from her), the actress is now "trying to scale back her A-list lifestyle to be more relatable," a source tells RadarOnline. "Anne has been giving away a lot of her possessions—such as clothes—mostly to her housekeepers, because she wants to live a less materialist, decadent lifestyle," the source adds. "She definitely admits she's been living too high on the hog given these economically tough times for the rest of the country." Anne, Anne... not only is giving away your clothing a super transparent, super depressing way to bribe people into liking you, but you're doing it wrong. Don't give your clothes to your housekeepers! They already hate you! Instead, give your clothes to us. If you just hand over that Valentino crocodile skin motorcycle jacket that you never wear anyway? We promise we'll stop calling you the world's second-most obnoxious human being! (How does third-most obnoxious sound? Justin Bieber still exists, after all.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 29
"It takes a lot of consideration," Andrew Garfield admitted in an interview on The Project, responding to a question about the bulge in his cute little Spider-Man costume, soon to be on display in The Amazing Spider-Man 2. "You don't want it to be overwhelming, and you don't want it to be underwhelming," Garfield continued. "You don't want it to intimidate and you don't want it to... the opposite of intimidate. Ultimately you have to trust that what you have is enough." We don't really have any jokes or snide comments about any of this, dears—we just couldn't resist writing a blurb about Spider-Man's penis. Moving on!
SUNDAY, MARCH 30
In news only slightly less pressing than Andrew Garfield's webshooter, the "worst is yet to come" with climate change! "Climate change is already having sweeping effects on every continent and throughout the world's oceans," reports the New York Times, citing the terrifying findings of the United Nations' Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. "In particular, the report emphasized that the world's food supply is at considerable risk—a threat that could have serious consequences for the poorest nations," the Times continues, before stressing the possibility of "death or injury on a widespread scale, probably damage to public health, displacement of people, and potential mass migrations," along with "violent conflict over land or other resources." The 2,500-page-long report ends by urging world leaders to put aside their differences and "devote significant financial resources to launching Gwyneth Paltrow into outer space." "The findings of this panel indicate that, realistically, humanity is entirely too short-sighted and selfish to fix the horrifically massive and all-but-insurmountable problem of climate change," the report concludes. "At this point, the proverbial 'least we can do' is make our inevitable doom slightly less painful for all involved. The easiest and fastest way of doing so is for Earth to consciously uncouple from Paltrow."