MONDAY, MARCH 31
Because misery loves an audience—is that how the saying goes?—here's the latest from the world of... CELEBRITY DIVORCE! As perhaps too gleefully reported last week, the universally despised Gwyneth Paltrow and poor loser of a hubby Chris Martin announced their "conscious uncoupling"—and yes, they actually used those words. Because... bourgeoisie! And they're making a big stink about how they will continue to be such great parents, and such wonderful friends... because otherwise the world will find out just how terrible of a couple they've actually been! According to TMZ, the pair have decided to settle their split out of court, lest all their dirty secrets—and apparently they have many—come to public light. Okay, so that's one way to do it. HERE'S ANOTHER: Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife of 30 years are SPLITZO. Labeling it a "civilized divorce" (much classier than "conscious uncoupling"), the pair is also calling it a "joint decision"—even though everyone in Russia knows that he's been not-so-secretly canoodling for years with former Olympic gymnast Alina Kabaeva. But unlike Gwyneth Paltrow, Vladimir Putin has his own way of dealing with tabloid gossip. After the Moskovsky Korrespondent published an article claiming that Putin was planning to divorce his wife and marry the gymnast, the newspaper was immediately shut down. And that's today's Goop tip: Nothing squashes gossip like a good ol' fashioned dictatorship.
TUESDAY, APRIL 1
And now, three hilarious things that happened to people you hate: Justin Bieber was booed after winning the Fan Choice Award for the fourth consecutive year during his home country's Juno Awards. Naturally he wasn't at the ceremonies, because he was too busy wreaking havoc at a Walmart (more on that later). However, award-winning songwriter Serena Ryder was quick to leap to Bieber's defense during her own acceptance speech, saying, "Bieber is an amazing musician and deserves every bit of that award." After leaving the stage, Ryder was immediately detained by the government and deported to Pine Bluff, Arkansas. MEANWHILE... Violence fetishist Chris Brown received a free plane ride to his assault trial in Washington, DC—on the famed Con Air. Though he and his lawyer cried a tub full of tears over the government putting him on a plane with actual criminals, Chris should remember one thing: He's an actual criminal. MEANWHILE... One literally lives to read headlines like this one from Us Weekly: "Kim Kardashian Gets Attacked by an Elephant." Unfortunately, it was not a stampeding elephant who grabbed her with its trunk and threw her into a nearby garbage pile, but rather a cute baby pachyderm who "blew air out of his trunk" at Kim while she was trying to pose next to the animal for a "bikini selfie." While we'd all be much happier if this attack had been more like the first scenario... remember what happened to Dumbo's mom? #neverforget
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2
Another week, another senseless shooting at the Fort Hood military base in Texas. Army Specialist Ivan Lopez went on a gun rampage today at the base, killing three soldiers and injuring 16 others—apparently because his supervisors had refused his request for a temporary leave to take care of matters related to his mother's death. It was also revealed that Lopez was being treated for anxiety and depression, AND that he'd purchased the gun used to murder his fellow soldiers at Guns Galore—which is (surprise!) the same gun shop that sold weaponry to Nidal Hasan, who's responsible for the 2009 Fort Hood shooting spree that killed 13 people and wounded more than 30. And yep! This is the same Guns Galore that sold ammunition and gunpowder to the soldier who planned on bombing Fort Hood troops at a restaurant in 2011. Now, you can criticize Guns Galore all you like—but nothing spells "success" like repeat business!
THURSDAY, APRIL 3
Now let's circle back around to that "Justin Bieber at Walmart" story. Canada's most shameful export was visiting his home town of Stratford, Ontario, recently when he (of course) decided to gather 30 of his closest friends, board a city bus, and coerce the driver into dropping them off at the front door of a local Walmart. Inside, according to local witness Mike Malcho, the ever-charming Biebs then went on an annoyance spree, "shining flashlights in little girls' eyes, opening food then discarding it, bouncing balls and throwing other items around the aisles.... Shame on you, little punk! And shame on Walmart for allowing it to happen!" While Justin couldn't be reached for comment, Walmart responded, "Umm... we're Walmart. That's like a good day for us."
FRIDAY, APRIL 4
Today in James Franco News: A story everybody was talking about, but actually (wait for it...) isn't a story at all! According to every gossip hound in Hollyweird, America's doofiest, most earnest actor got himself into hot water this week by hitting on a 17-year-old Scottish tourist via Instagram. The teenager attended Franco's Broadway show Of Mice and Men, then tagged a photo of herself with the 35-year-old—which led to a flirty private message exchange with Franco, which led to, well, naturally, the whole exchange getting leaked online. And thus, everyone either (A) wondered if this was just another of Franco's annoying art projects, or (B) condemned Franco as a filthy sex criminal, even though the age of consent—in both Scotland and New York—is 17. "I'm embarrassed," Franco said today on Live! With Kelly and Michael. "I guess I'm just a model of how social media is tricky. Unfortunately, in my position, not only do I have to go through the embarrassing kind of rituals of meeting someone, but if I do that, then it gets published for the world. So now, it's double-embarrassing." Now seems as good a time as any to reiterate that the girl was of legal age—and that she seems to be about 10 times more savvy and socially adept than Franco, repeatedly asking for "proper evidence" that she was messaging with Franco before pointing out, "Well this is a story my Scottish friends will never believe." In conclusion, sometimes actors try to bang hot girls, and sometimes those hot girls tell people about it (especially their "Scottish friends"), and then the actors get caught, and as some sort of weird penance they have to go on Live! With Kelly and Michael, which honestly seems like cruel and unusual punishment for anyone, regardless of whether or not they tried to bang a 17-year-old.
SATURDAY, APRIL 5
As is her wont, Miley Cyrus is about to set off an international incident! "Miley Cyrus and Justin Timberlake have become embroiled in a political row over whether the promoter of their sellout concerts in Finland risks falling foul of US sanctions on Russia," reports the Guardian. "The Helsinki venue in which the American singers are due to perform in May and June, along with other US stars in the coming months, is owned by three Russians who have been blacklisted by the US government in response to the Russia's annexation of Crimea." While we trust Justin Timberlake implicitly (as is our wont), we're going to be pretty PO'ed if WWIII ends up happening thanks to MiCy's insistence on showing Finnish people what twerking is.
SUNDAY, APRIL 6
As we all know, dears, breakups can be brutal, unless... you're rich! Katy Perry seems to be doing just fine after her split with greasy lothario John Mayer, picking up what E! Online notes is a "new very expensive hobby." "I'm going to slowly become an art collector," Perry told E! at MOCA's 35th Anniversary Gala. According to Perry, she's teamed up with (this is, apparently, an actual job title) Beverly Hills gallerist Marc Selwyn to tour "some private collections from some people's homes and... a couple of galleries." "What I'm really drawn to is modern contemporary art and pop art, of course," Perry told E!, of course. "Also some key photography. I'm really interested in having an art history education." And that, dears, is how rich people deal with breakups. MEANWHILE... Heartthrob Robert Downey Jr. continues to be just delightful. This weekend he hosted a free screening of the brand-new Captain America movie for 50 children, and if that wasn't enough? Last October, Jamie Foxx's five-year-old daughter told her dad that she wanted Iron Man's alter ego, Tony Stark, to show up at her Iron Man-themed birthday party. When Foxx texted Downey to tell him, Robert showed up at the party—with a bucket full of Iron Man toys—and spent the whole day hanging out. (Robert, dear, if you're reading this? We want an Iron Man-themed party too.)