MONDAY, APRIL 21
Oh, Lindsay Lohan! Aren't you just the busiest little bee? Longtime One Day poster-girl LiLo is once again the belle of the tabloid ball thanks to not one, but TWO bombshells dropped this weekend. Yesterday marked the season finale of her Oprah-ordained reality show Lindsay—which suffered terrible ratings because, for some reason, everyday Americans don't really identify with her. Hmmm... curious. Anyway, she saved the big guns for the last moments of her show, where she addressed the camera and told the world the reason she had surprised the crew by suddenly taking off two weeks during filming. It was allegedly because she had... suffered a miscarriage. [Insert dramatic sting of your choosing here.] Unfortunately, snipey insiders talking to Radar Online are calling "baloney" on Lindsay's excuse, claiming "she absolutely made it up" to "explain her unprofessional behavior." Don't worry, Lindsay! WE believe you, doll. (After all, if you fibbed every single time you were lazy, that would be like 50,000 miscarriages.) BOMBSHELL #2! According to an article in Kode magazine, Lindsay is not only guzzling tumblers of vodka again, but she's also dating... a married man. [Insert another dramatic sting... but a different one than before, please.] The interviewer (known only as the Kurator—subtract 30 points of reliability for that one) claims that not only was LiLo high on ecstasy the first night of Coachella, but she was also marching around with a vodka-filled Evian bottle, AND confessing to be romantically canoodling with a rich, married man. "Oh, this guy I'm seeing," Lindsay allegedly said, "he sent me a jet because he wants to see me... but he's married with kids." (Any idea who? Oh hell... we're just gonna guess Warren Buffett.) Naturally, Lindsay's poor publicist voraciously denied that the Kurator (snick!) could have seen or heard any of this. "Lindsay never spoke to any journalist at Kode. The interview was completed via email." So again? We're siding with Lindsay on this one. (Because Warren Buffett. BLECH!)
TUESDAY, APRIL 22
Speaking of gross rich people, super rich Las Vegas hotel/casino developer Steve Wynn got into verbal fisticuffs with our lifelong dreamboat (and the future Mr. Ann Romano, if there is a god) George Clooney! The incident went down at the Botero restaurant, inside Wynn's Vegas Encore hotel. So what happened? Let's hear gorgeous George's side of the story, via an email delivered to the press by his publicist. "There were nine people at the table... Steve likes to go on rants," George dreamily started. "He called the president an asshole... that is a fact... I said the president was my longtime friend and then he said, 'Your friend is an asshole.' At that point I told Steve HE was an asshole... and I walked out." Dear lord, how a righteously indignant Clooney dampens our nethers! Unsurprisingly, that asshole Steve Wynn told a different story to the Las Vegas Review-Journal. "[George] started talking about the Affordable Care Act," said the asshole, who famously despises Obamacare because he's a rich asshole. "That's when I spoke up. He didn't like that... He got up and said, 'I don't have to listen to this (expletive) stuff'... and he ran off to another bar. Everybody who's in my business... knows to take actors with a grain of salt." And by his "business," Wynn means the "asshole business." You're right and that asshole's wrong, George Clooney! We love you!!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23
And it was a very bad day indeed for two of America's douchiest douchebags. First, poor Justin Bieber probably received the shock of his young, douchey life when he learned that the company that makes his beloved "sizzurp"—AKA Actavis, a high-end codeine cough syrup—has taken its product off the market. A rep for the company told TMZ, "Given [the product's rep as an abused drug of choice], Actavis has made the bold and unprecedented decision to cease all production and sales of its promethazine codeine product." Sorry for the bad news, Justin, but remember... there's always airplane glue. MEANWHILE... Abusive douchehole Chris Brown also received glum tidings today after learning his assault case has been postponed until June, which means that, until at least that time, he'll be rotting in jail heh heh heh heh HA HA HAAAAAAAA! And then, if the judge decides to revoke his probation, Chris could spend up to four years in prison HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA! (We're like the Count from Sesame Street... except for the gossip industry.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 24
Former Beverly Hills, 90210 star turned reality show skank Tori Spelling is FAH-URIOUS with hubby Dean McDermott after she learned that he has been cheating on her with a homewrecker by the name of Emily Goodhand. (While we never take the side of a cheating hubby, in Dean's defense he's married to Tori Spelling and his lover's last name is "Goodhand." A man can only be expected to resist so much.)
FRIDAY, APRIL 25
Oh, those hilarious hillbillies! America covered her face in shame today when Nevada cattle rancher Cliven Bundy—who, because he's been stealing grazing land from the federal government, Fox News has immortalized as the greatest American hero since Ronald Reagan's hemorrhoid—gave quite a little racist speech to reporters. "I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro," Bundy said, (to which everyone replied, "uh-ohhhhh"). "Because they were basically on government subsidy... they abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton." OH DEAR LORD... but of course no one stopped him. "I've often wondered," Bundy racistly wondered, "are they better off as slaves, picking cotton... or are they better off under government subsidy?" WOW. There's your "true American patriot," Fox News! A blithering idiot racist, who also happens to be a public-resource-stealing welfare queen. (Fitting, isn't it?)
SATURDAY, APRIL 26
Again with the racism! TMZ Sports released an audio tape this week allegedly featuring Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling spewing a pantload of racial epithets to his girlfriend, V. Stiviano—who, ironies of ironies, is both black and Latina. Stiviano posted a picture of herself posing with Magic Johnson on Instagram... which was more than enough to launch Sterling into a racist tirade! "It bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast you're associating with black people," Sterling barked. "Do you have to?" Also: "You can sleep with [black people]. The little I ask... is not to bring them to my games." Okay, so let us get this straight... your black girlfriend can sleep with black guys, but no bringing them to basketball games or having pictures taken with them? (Can someone whisper into this old rich racist's hearing aid and tell him what "sleeping with" means?)
SUNDAY, APRIL 27
Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, NO. According to this headline from Reuters, "George Clooney, UK Human Rights Lawyer Are Engaged." Okay, okay, okay, nobody PANIC. Maybe they're just... just... engaged to speak together at maybe a human rights seminar, or something... maybe? Let's keep reading: The article says that Brit lawyer Amal Alamuddin was "spotted wearing a large ring on her wedding finger" (circumstantial evidence!!), and that she and our rightful future husband Clooney "have been dating since last October" (again, mindless unsubstantiated gossip!!). So if this is the only so-called "proof" they have that George and this so-called "human rights activist" hussy are getting engaged, then... oh, no. "On Monday, Alamuddin's law firm released a statement: 'The barristers and staff... offer their best wishes and congratulations to Ms. Amal Alamuddin... and Mr. George Clooney on their engagement to be married.'" Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, NO. Impossible... this can simply NOT be true! You can't expect us to take the word of a British lawyer seriously! They wear powdered wigs for Christ's sake!!