MONDAY, APRIL 28
Darlings! Let's check in with old, doddering racist and LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling—just to see if he's still old, doddering, and racist. Sports site Deadspin has discovered even more audiotape recordings of Sterling spewing racial ugliness to his unlikely girlfriend, V. Stiviano (last week he was heard saying he didn't want her bringing black people to his games). In their extended conversation, when Stiviano says she doesn't share his views about black people, Sterling responds, "Well then, if you don't feel... don't come to my games. Don't bring black people, and don't come." Later, when Stiviano asks Sterling if he's aware that he has a "whole team that's black," he shoots back, "Do I know? I support them and give them food, and clothes, and cars, and houses. Who gives it to them? Does someone else give it to them?" Oh... my. In that case... Attention! The following is a public service announcement: Whoever built a time machine and transported slave owner Donald Sterling from 18th century Virginia to the present day, please return him! It's not working out for anyone.
TUESDAY, APRIL 29
As you sadly recall, last week we related news so devastatingly heartbreaking, we were forced to spend our weekend buying shoes and snarfing chocolate (and yes, thank you, we do realize we're a living Cathy cartoon, so fucking what and go fuck yourself): Eternal dreamboat George Clooney got engaged to British human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin. True, that surprise threw us for a loop. (Hubby Kip actually spent the weekend in a safe house—our garage—for his own protection.) However, now? WE ARE OKAY WITH THIS. Really. In fact? We're HAPPY for George and his latest whorrrrrrr... ahem... "human rights" activist. (Though she doesn't seem to care about the "rights" of certain "humans" who called dibs on George 10 years ago, does she?) But, again, whatever. Now that we are free of George's nether-dampening stare, we can report without malice on the latest Clooney gossip. For example: It says right here in the New York Post that George proposed to Amal after "whipping up a romantic [home-cooked] meal at his mansion in Studio City." WHAT? He cooked it himself? The last thing Hubby Kip microwaved for me exploded inside the Lean Cuisine box! Calm... calm... calm... we're calm. The story goes on to say that George surprised Amal by getting down on bended knee (GRRRRRRR!!) and after she accepted his proposal, an inside Clooney source said "he seems incredibly happy... Amal is such a sweet, intelligent girl." GAAAAHHH!! SHE'S A WHORE! SHE'S A TROLLOP! SHE'S A... Kip. Get your things. Go to the garage. NOW.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30
Actor James Franco—last seen issuing a sniveling apology for trying to hook up with a teenage fan on Instagram—went on Howard Stern's show to voraciously deny that he ever had sexual relations with Lindsay Lohan. As you recall, LiLo clumsily left her "celebrity bang list" (written on a Scattergories score sheet) out for the gossip rags to find, and Franco was allegedly one of her 36 (!) conquests. However, the actor doesn't see it that way. "All right, we maybe kissed," he told Stern. "It was lame." The smooch allegedly went down in 2004 when Lindsay was still a teenager (MMMM-HMMM), but that was as far as it allegedly went (ALLEGEDLY). He then accused the actress of stalking him, and breaking into his hotel room, by persuading the front desk clerk to give her a key. "I was on the couch and opened my eyes and there's Lindsay in my room at 3 am." MMMMM-HMMMM, because front desk clerks are famous for lending out keys to celebrity hotel rooms, and MMMM-HMMMM James Franco is so careful with his penis that he would never accidentally let it fall into Lindsay Lohan at 3 am. Our ruling: James Franco is a goddamn liar, and Lindsay's Scattergories "bang list" stands!
THURSDAY, MAY 1
Drunken crack smoker and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford promised to stop drinking after being caught on video last year smoking crack—which he blamed on his devotion to booze. And yet? According to the Toronto Sun, Ford has been spotted on at least two recent occasions whooping it up (with substances!) at a Toronto dance club, Muzik. In fact, it was there the mayor ran into fellow Canadian and jerk-off Justin Bieber, where they had the following exchange: Ford reportedly tried to shake Bieber's hand, but instead, Justin jokingly asked, "Did you bring any crack to smoke?" Ford allegedly became so enraged, he stormed away in a snit. Moral: Even a douchebag like Justin Bieber can be funny once in a while.
FRIDAY, MAY 2
He was charming in Good Will Hunting, he was terrible in Gigli, and he was the fancy-pants director of Argo—and now the latest twist in Ben Affleck's career is CHEATING AT BLACKJACK. Wait. What? It's true, at least according to Variety, which reports Affleck has been "banned for life from playing blackjack at the Hard Rock Vegas." "The actor, according to an unnamed source, was told, 'You're too good at this game' by hotel security" shortly before he and his wife, Jennifer Garner, were escorted from the premises, Variety notes—all because the casino's security cameras caught Affleck, who was sitting pretty at a high-rollers' table, "counting cards." (Just like Rain Man! If Rain Man was going to be Batman!) Meanwhile, another unnamed source "said the hotel was friendly to Affleck and his wife Jennifer Garner," Variety continues, "and invited them back to the casino to play other games." Ugh. Like slot machines? Don't even, Hard Rock Vegas. Besides, we heard Affleck was already over at Circus Circus, tipping over poker tables and pantsing clowns. That guy is the best to go to Vegas with! (Not counting Rain Man.)
SATURDAY, MAY 3
Well, the day you haven't been waiting for is here: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are officially married, according to Life & Style! "They got their license in California over the past few days," a source says, as a prelude to the "official ceremony"—which is rumored to be happening in Paris later this month, and will reportedly be a "massive" event featuring "multiple costume changes." And, of course, the two most obnoxious, self-involved, and despicable people on the entire goddamn planet. 'Gratz, you horrible monsters! SPEAKING OF HORRIBLE MONSTERS... Britney Spears! She's a horrible monster, too! Backup dancer Dawn Noel (whose parents apparently love Christmas morning), is suing Brit for smacking her in the face while rehearsing for Britta's music video "Work Bitch." Noel alleges the pop queen not only showed up in a "disheveled and confused state" and, as TMZ says, had "considerable difficulty executing even basic moves," but also "twirled while unbalanced"... resulting in her fist slamming into Noel's face! Some excruciating pain, a blithe apology from Brit (who reportedly said "I'm sorry," then kept on dancing), and a nasal bone fracture later, Noel has yet to see any payment from Spears, Inc. We expect her case to go all the way to the Supreme Court, possibly setting legal precedent for unbalanced twirling in the third degree.
SUNDAY, MAY 4
X-Men: Days of Future Past star Hugh Jackman "sliced the top of his thigh with his metal blades while attempting to conceal his package during a nude scene," The Sun reports. "There was a very intense first scene and I insisted on a closed set," Jackman explained. "I ran around the corner and all the female members of the crew were gathered there. I tried to cover myself and cut my inner thigh... it was just the inner thigh, thankfully. The metal claws had to go—you can't have bits and pieces flying off." Dears, we have never been so relieved to hear anything in our life, and we are intensely grateful that Jackman's little Wolverine is safe and sou—THIS JUST IN! "Well, technically, Wolverine's skeleton is laced with an unbreakable alloy known as 'adamantium,'" profoundly embarrassing Hubby Kip insists, even though nobody asked him in the first place. "Whether or not that adamantium would extend to Wolverine's erectile tissue is a matter of some debate. If it does—and really, only Professor X would know for sure—Wolverine's genitals would be safe from any unintended cuts. And this isn't taking into account Wolverine's mutant healing powers, which, now that I think about it, probably also greatly assist his refractory period...." WE THOUGHT WE TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE GARAGE.