MONDAY, MAY 5
Darlings! Don't wash down that handful of sleeping pills with a tumbler of vodka just yet! Reality show monster Kim Kardashian announced on her Twatter machine that she and Kanye West are not... repeat NOT married yet! (Though keep those pills near the bed.) Last week Life & Style told us, who in turn told you, that the world's most despicable couple had gotten "their marriage license in California." This somehow infuriated the dim-wtted Kardashian, who jumped on Twatter to screech, "We are not married yet!" (Hey idiot, thanks for the information, but we KNOW you're not married yet! We just said you picked up the marriage license! UGH! Why does she have to make every little thing a drama? Bah, forget it! Everybody, let's just go ahead and take those sleeping pills—why postpone the inevitable?) MEANWHILE... According to KGW, today in Portland, Governor John Kitzhaber just happened to be driving around town (you know... governing things) when he noticed a woman collapsed on the sidewalk. Without a second thought, he ordered his driver to pull over so he could jump out and immediately begin administering CPR on the unconscious victim who had stopped breathing. Apparently his heroics were successful, because the woman was later taken to the hospital and is expected to live. IN A RELATED STORY... Kitzhaber's main Republican nemesis in the upcoming primary, Representative Dennis Richardson—who, in 2012, nationally embarrassed Oregon after claiming that armed teachers could've prevented the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School (EYE ROLL)—did not rescue anyone on the street this week. However, if elected he does plan on rescuing you from same-sex marriage, the ability to have an abortion, and affordable health care. And if you have any kittens that need strangling, he'll throw that in for free.
TUESDAY, MAY 6
"My boss took advantage of me," writes Monica Lewinsky in this month's Vanity Fair, talking about her affair with then-President Bill Clinton. "But I will always remain firm on this point: It was a consensual relationship. Any 'abuse' came in the aftermath, when I was made a scapegoat in order to protect his powerful position." And while there are those who are all too happy to continue slut-shaming Lewinsky every time she brings this scandal up—it's important to keep bringing this scandal up. It's important to remember how a 22-year-old woman made an admitted mistake, and was figuratively burned at the stake by both Republicans and Democrats. It's important to remember the lengths the White House went to in order to cover up the scandal—including Hillary Clinton famously dismissing Lewinsky as a "narcissistic loony tune." It's important to remember the treachery of Lewinsky's so-called "friend" Linda Tripp, who recorded their "private" conversations, and gave them to independent counsel Ken Starr—whose obsession with bringing down the president meant taking Lewinsky down with him. And it's important to remember that an admitted youthful mistake (with some help from a blue dress and beret) made her a national joke—one that has since rendered her practically unemployable. We all made dumb mistakes at 22—our mistake now would be to forget how happily, even today, our government would ruin a young woman's life to gain an inch of political ground.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 7
Fans of twerking and tongue-lolling rejoice! Miley Cyrus is out of the hospital, and has resumed her worldwide Bangerz Tour. (Yaaaaayyy. Cough.) As you undoubtedly recall, Miley was admitted for a two-week hospital stay because, according to MyCy, "I took some shitty antibiotics that a doctor gave me for a sinus infection and I had a reaction." (Funny... we haven't read about a single recall from the FDA about this so-called "shitty antibiotic"... but maybe they're backlogged.) Even better news? Miley has sworn off drinking and smoking before performances, and told reporters "I'm the poster child for good health!" In an unrelated story, the World Health Organization is taking applications for a new "poster child for good health," saying they will accept anybody. "Seriously," they said. "Anybody."
THURSDAY, MAY 8
At this point, old, racist, doddering Clippers owner Donald Sterling should shut his old, racist, doddering mouth, because he's not doing himself any favors. According to TMZ Sports, Sterling has been telling his friends that the only reason he made those racist comments to gal pal V. Stiviano (asking her not to bring black men to his games) was because "he thought it would persuade her to have sex with him." Now before you roll your eyes, Sterling has a point! Racist remarks are a surefire way to get a woman under the sheets—if those sheets are worn at a Klan rally.
FRIDAY, MAY 9
Bewilderingly intent on showing off his awful decisions, our former love George Clooney spent this weekend celebrating his ill-advised engagement to that useless trollop Amal Alamuddin. Guests including Cindy Crawford (ugh) and Bono (double ugh) hung out on the patio of Malibu's Café Habana—singing karaoke, drinking tequila, and having a grand old time. "After the toast, George and his fiancée were all over each other," a source tells People. "Lots of hugging." People goes on to note that "Alamuddin was showing off her emerald-cut diamond engagement ring—estimated at more than seven carats and which Clooney helped design, and...." You know what? No. NO, NO, NO. We are not playing along with this anymore. Have some class, George. There's no need to make us feel any worse about your horrible engagement than we already do—and as for you, Alamuddin, your shameless flaunting of your happiness makes us want to tear your goddamn hair out! So stop with the "happy"! OKAY, MOVING ON. "George Clooney's ex-girlfriend Stacy Keibler was 'irked' by his engagement to Amal Alamuddin," according to Us. Girlfriend, we know exactly how you feel (and BTW, sorry for everything terrible we said about you when you dated George). If you want to come over and have a cry, you're welcome to a drink. (We're on our third box of Franzia for the afternoon.)
SATURDAY, MAY 10
Well, now that George Clooney is (ostensibly) out-of-bounds, it's time to find another boytoy who will—hmm. How do we feel about Bradley Cooper, dears? Probably better than his ex-wife, Jennifer Esposito, does, given that her new book Jennifer's Way characterizes the actor as "a master manipulator" with a "mean, cold side" and a personality that could "flip on a dime." Esposito writes that their six-month marriage ended "abruptly, rudely, and with the exact callousness that I'd come to expect from him." Oh, so in real life Bradley Cooper is just like every character he's ever played in the movies? Okay. Scratch that one off the list, then.
SUNDAY, MAY 11
Britney Spears, perennial star of One Day at a Time Classic™, has been offered $12 million to extend her Las Vegas contract! "Casino honchos want Spears to continue her Las Vegas show until at least Christmas 2016," the New York Daily News reports. That $12 million would be on top of Spears' current arrangement, which nets her $30 million, plus a commute on a private jet and a sparkling villa at the top of Caesars Palace. "The eight-figure offer is all the more remarkable given that Spears lip syncs her way through her 90-minute performances," the News continues. "But her lack of singing hasn't put off punters who shell out up to $300 to see the ex-teen idol shake her body." Aside from the general unfairness of life, there's no way this isn't a win for everybody: We were around back when Spears was roaming the streets, unemployed—an era better known as the Dark Ages. It's better this way. MEANWHILE... And so we come to the end of another horrid week, and so we hoist our empty Franzia box to Us for coming up with a perf headline: "Courtney Love: I Turned Down Russell Brand Because He Smelled 'Too Musky.'" "He is a little musky," Love explains to Us. "We did yoga together and the musk was there." See you next week, dears—and good luck trying to sleep, haunted by thoughts of (A) Russell Brand and Courtney Love doing yoga together, and (B) Russell Brand's musk.