MONDAY, MAY 12
Darlings! How many of you attended this year's Met Gala—the annual fundraising soiree benefiting the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute, where everyone who's anyone attends dressed to the nines? Oh... none of us? (Apparently we're not "anyone.") Bah! It's nothing but a party for disgustingly wealthy snobs and celebs, and there's absolutely nothing to see... except... WHAT'S THIS? From the afterparty, a snoopy Standard Hotel employee leaked elevator surveillance footage of Solange Knowles (sister of Beyoncé) going full alley cat on formerly respected rapper Jay-Z! While no audio was provided, Solange (whose name sounds like a French suntan lotion, doesn't it?) was seen swinging wildly and kicking at Jay—who, along with Queen B, remained suspiciously impassive during the Tasmanian Devil-style attack. SO WHAT HAPPENED? No one knows for sure, but little inside birdies have been twittering that Solange has the reputation for flying off the handle at the drop of a hat—hence Beyoncé and Jay-Z's non-surprise. (Who does that remind you of? Amanda Bynes! That's exactly what we were going to say!) Anyway, others think that Jay-Z made a smart-ass crack about her deadbeat friends (who tried to sneak into the Met Gala's afterparty, underdressed... how DARE they??) while hinting at Solange's rumored drunky club shenanigans. Whatever it was... POW! Solange went after Jay-Z like a gaggle of Hampton socialites tearing into a truffle buffet, and her behavior was entirely uncalled for! (Unless of course, that was the moment she learned we weren't invited!)
TUESDAY, MAY 13
Dear old, racist, doddering Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling: Now you're just getting ridiculous. Sterling made a mea culpa appearance last night on CNN in an interview with Anderson Cooper... and dear sweet Jesus, it was a certified disaster. After repeatedly blubbering and apologizing in answer to Cooper's questions, Sterling just couldn't help sticking his foot squarely back inside his mouth. When asked about Magic Johnson—who Sterling originally insulted in his racist rant to gal pal V. Stiviano—the basketball team owner said, "What kind of guy goes to every city, has sex with every girl, then he catches HIV? Is that someone we want to respect and tell our kids about?" OH... NO... HE... DIDN'T. But then he "oh-no-he-didn't" again! "I think he should be ashamed of himself," Sterling continued. "What does he do for the black people? He doesn't do anything!" (Except of course, investing in urban communities, raising millions for HIV/AIDS awareness, and giving out almost $4 million in scholarships... but besides that, plus an amazing basketball career? Yeah... you're right, you old, stupid, doddering racist. NOT MUCH.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 14
Look who's in trouble... again! It's our old pal Alec Baldwin, who we used to love so much on 30 Rock, but now we cross the ballroom whenever we see him approaching at the Met Gala (we wish). This time, Alec was arrested for riding his bicycle the wrong way on 5th Avenue in Manhattan. (Where does he think he lives? Portland??) Baldwin reportedly was not carrying proper identification, and became "belligerent and argumentative" with officers... surprise! "I don't have ID," Baldwin allegedly screamed at the cops. "Just give me the fucking summonses!" And with that? Off he was carried to the police station, where he was released a few hours later with summonses for a traffic offense and disorderly conduct. Naturally, he then took his disorderly conduct to his Twatter machine, where he impotently yelled at the ether, "New York City is a mismanaged carnival of stupidity that is desperate for revenue and anxious to criminalize behavior once thought benign." Soon afterward he stopped twattering—probably after realizing that no one any longer gives a single shit about what he thinks or says.
THURSDAY, MAY 15
Those poor Los Angeles Clippers just can't catch a break—no sooner are they moving past Donald Sterling's dimwitted natterings than Justin Bieber shows up at one of their games! UGH! "Bieber and his mom, Pattie Mallette, 38, were there to watch the Clippers take on the Oklahoma City Thunder," E! reports—but while the Clippers have become used to a seemingly endless parade of indignities, their fans would not stand for this latest insult. "The entire place booed him when Staples Center cameras put him on the Jumbotron," according to a source. Excellent work, Staples Center denizens—now if everybody else can do this wherever Bieber goes, maybe we can keep him from ever coming out in public again! Chant with us, dears: MOB JUSTICE! MOB JUSTICE! MOB JUSTICE!
FRIDAY, MAY 16
Well, this is charming! While in New Orleans, pals Brad Pitt and Matthew McConaughey chillaxed on a couple of sun-dappled balconies. According to Us, Pitt, who was standing on a balcony "across the way" from McConaughey, caught McConaughey's attention—then "tossed a cold beer can to his friend, which McConaughey happily accepted and was later photographed drinking." Awww! Adorbs! But it gets even better: While Pitt (along with Angelina Jolie) was in town for an event benefiting his Make It Right Foundation (which makes green homes and buildings for needy communities), McConaughey was hosting an event for his organization that empowers high school students—an organization called the Just Keep Livin Foundation. Because of course Matthew McConaughey has a charity foundation named after one of his lines in Dazed and Confused. Sometimes the world is a beautiful place. MEANWHILE... And like a screeching harpy screaming up from the sulfurous depths of Hell, Kim Kardashian has sensed our happiness and seeks to destroy it, destroy it, DESTROY IT! According to the Daily Mail, Kardashian is "cutting deals left and right" to "minimize expenditure and maximize profits for herself and the rest of the family" when she gets married to Kanye West! By auctioning off everything from video rights to wedding photos, Kim stands to make $21 million from the wedding—in other words, $3 million more than she made from her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries! And that is why Kardashians get married.
SATURDAY, MAY 17
Oof. Rough day! Today's first bit of bad news: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are getting married in Florence, according to Entertainment Tonight, and will fly their guests to the ceremony via private planes. When informed of the news, Italians promptly began razing Florence. MEANWHILE... Today's second bit of bad news involves, naturally, a baby—namely, the newborn daughter of 21-year-old Assisi Jagger, who is the daughter of Jade Jagger, who is the daughter of Mick Jagger. Yes, that did read like the Old Testament, but here's the moral: 70-year-old Mick Jagger is now a great-grandfather. And so humanity passes from one era unto the next, and all that was once cool is lost and forgotten. MEANWHILE... Speaking of eras ending, here's the third bit of bad news: "A large section of the mighty West Antarctica ice sheet has begun falling apart and its continued melting now appears to be unstoppable," the New York Times reports. "The melting could destabilize neighboring parts of the ice sheet and a rise in sea level of 10 feet or more may be unavoidable in coming centuries." To put that into perspective: A rise of only four feet "would inundate land on which some 3.7 million Americans live today," the Times continues. "Miami, New Orleans, New York, and Boston are all highly vulnerable." "This is really happening," said NASA's Thomas P. Wagner. "There's nothing to stop it now." So... shall we begin our evacuation of Earth's coastal villages and cities, or should we just start looking forward to when humans grow little vagina-gills behind our ears like Kevin Costner did in Waterworld?
SUNDAY, MAY 18
SETTLE DOWN, RESIDENTS OF FLORENCE! Not only will you (probably) be safe from Earth's rapidly rising sea levels, but contrary to previous reports, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are not—we repeat, not—getting married in your city! Instead, Jezebel reports they're getting hitched at Versailles, with the ceremony occurring "after a week of lavish parties all around France." And thus the former home of France's most despised royalty becomes the rented-out party room for America's most despised royalty. Let's hope Versailles got a cleaning deposit! MEANWHILE... The New York Times has fired Jill Abramson, the paper's badass executive editor, and rumors swirled that her dismissal was due to good old-fashioned sexism. We're certainly mad as hell about it, but we'd also like to point out that here in Portland, we have yet to even be offered the position of executive editor at the Mercury. Just think of it, dears: an entire newspaper to bend to our will? That would come out as the world as we know it is literally starting to come to an end? Now that's the newspaper Portland truly deserves.