MONDAY, MAY 19
For reasons too baffling to fathom, gifts for soon-to-be-wed monsters Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been pouring in—including this very curious one first reported by TMZ. It seems that Kim's former boyfriend/amateur porn partner Ray J is honoring Kim's impending marriage by giving her four months of profit he's made from the sale of their seven-year-old homemade sex tape... to the tune of $47,000. Since Kim already receives payments from the video (which distributor Vivid Entertainment claims has grossed $50 million in sales over the years), Ray J's supposed "gift" is probably another unsubtle reminder to Kanye that he "tapped that first." (It's also a reminder to the rest of us that Ray J has terrible taste in sex partners.) MEANWHILE... In much more positive marriage news, today Oregon happily joined the increasing number of states that have overturned their same-sex marriage bans. US District Court Judge Michael McShane (himself a gay man) issued the ruling, and while cheers of joy rang out across the state, we shouldn't forget the wise words he wrote in his briefing: "I believe that if we can look for a moment past gender and sexuality, we can see in these plaintiffs nothing more or less than our own families. Families who we would expect our Constitution to protect, if not exalt, in equal measure. With discernment we see not shadows lurking in closets or the stereotypes of what was once believed; rather, we see families committed to the common purpose of love, devotion, and service to the greater community." Note to bigots: The tide has officially turned, and now we'll be damned if we let anything stop it.
TUESDAY, MAY 20
Today in loathsome Justin Bieber news: The loathsome douche was spotted recently in Cannes at rapper Busta Rhymes' birthday party, cozying up to old-timey One Day subject of ire, Paris Hilton. If that last sentence disgusted you, check out this one from E! Online: "Hilton didn't let their age difference (she's 33, he's 20) get in the way of some playful coziness with a shirtless Bieber—she hopped into his lap while he was sitting on a throne." The two reportedly left the club... together. GAAHHHH! Now, at this point in the story, we were ready to pop a handful of sleeping pills (chased by a tumbler of vodka) and call it a life—but then we read a follow-up report from TMZ. It said the pair left the club to attend a party at Bieber's place, which was populated by 50 other douches, and featured Justin's own songs over the loudspeakers. Paris rightly proclaimed the party "LAME" and skedaddled home after half an hour of enduring the overwhelming douchiness. Good for you, Paris... but if you want to stay out of One Day at a Time? Stay out of shirtless Bieber's lap!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 21
Speaking of old-timey One Day subjects of ire, "tiger blood warlock" Charlie Sheen returns to our column after inciting a Twatter war with sharp-tongued pop starlet Rihanna! According to TMZ, Sheen and fiancée/porn star Brett Rossi (best known for her films Lesbian Workout and Bondage Tongue Bath) were celebrating her birthday in Santa Monica's fancy Giorgio Baldi restaurant when they noticed Rihanna across the room, and requested a "meet and greet." Unfortunately, that request was denied (uh-oh), and Sheen flew into a long rambling Twatter rage—the kind he specializes in—wherein he insulted Rihanna's supposed lack of manners: "Nice impression you left behind... Sorry we're not KOOL enough to warrant a blessing from the Princess (or in this case the Village idiot)." Now as longtime One Day readers know, Rihanna is not one to take Twatter insults lightly, and immediately fired back at Sheen, "If that old queen don't get [his] diapers out of a bunch...." Well! Apparently "old queen" Sheen isn't one to take such homophobic Twatter insults lightly, and happily returned fire, saying, "...do the good Queen a favor and go tend to the dungeon in my Castle. But beware of the rats and the snakes. They stir with folly awaiting your tepid advance, in the shadows...." After reading that, Rihanna and the rest of the world said, "What?" and once again promptly forgot that Charlie Sheen exists.
THURSDAY, MAY 22
In other Twatter insult news, Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak pissed off the entirety of the internet by posting the following global warming-denying twat: "I now believe global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists knowingly misleading for their own ends." Unfortunately for Sajak, people much smarter than him populate the internet, and they took great glee in offering their own opinions on the subject... such as this one from "mrjolly" who wrote: "On one hand 97% of scientists on the other hand a guy that got his job because chuck woolery came across as too intellectual." Mr. Sajak, you may now buy a vowel... and some salve for that burn.
FRIDAY, MAY 23
After finding E. coli bacteria doing the backstroke in the water supply, the increasingly unpopular Portland Water Bureau issued a boil notice for around 670,000 people—and flushed away nine million gallons of contaminated water. This follows an incident in April, in which some dumb teenager peed in the Mount Tabor Reservoir and the water bureau decided to flush 38 million gallons. Ah, Portland! A city that—despite being on a river, and despite putting up with rain almost every single day—just can't figure out how to manage the cutting-edge modern technology of tap water. MEANWHILE... To mark the release of Adam Sandler's latest terrible comedy, the Africa-set Blended, Jimmy Kimmel confronted the former Saturday Night Live star—asking if Sandler's movies were just excuses for paid vacations. "Yes!" Sandler said. "I have done that since 50 First Dates. It was written in another place. I said, 'Imagine if we did it in Hawaii, how great that movie would be.' And they said, 'Yeah, that's a very artistic idea.' I've been doing that ever since." In related news, we now have a perverse kind of admiration for Sandler. And we aren't sure how to feel about it. MOVING ON... With intense security, a seven-tier cake from Galateo Ricevimenti, a musical performance by tenor Andrea Bocelli, and enough white roses to suffocate Italy, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were married today in Florence! Huh. Turns out the Book of Revelation was true after all.
SATURDAY, MAY 24
"ISLA VISTA, Calif.—A college student who posted videos that documented his rage against women for rejecting him killed six people and wounded 13 others during a spasm of terror on Friday night," the New York Times reports. "He stabbed three men to death in his apartment and shot the others as he methodically opened fire on bystanders on the crowded streets of this small town." This came a day after the shooter posted a video on YouTube, recounting "the isolation and sexual frustrations of his life." "I don't know why you girls aren't attracted to me, but I will punish you all for it," the shooter said in the video. "I don't know what you don't see in me. I'm the perfect guy and yet you throw yourselves at these obnoxious men instead of me, the supreme gentleman." Armed with three legally purchased handguns and hundreds of rounds of legally purchased ammunition, the shooter—who, as his video implied, was involved in the terrifyingly prevalent and misogynistic "men's rights activist" and "pick-up artist" communities—took his own life after his rampage. It marked the 100th mass shooting in America since the beginning of 2014.
SUNDAY, MAY 25
It's not often something good comes from horror, but that's what happened this weekend: As a powerful reaction to Friday's mass shooting, the hashtag #YesAllWomen dominated Twitter—and for once, the ADD social network became something more than a wearying parade of clunky jokes and half-felt outrage. "At its peak, 51,000 tweets an hour called out the harassment, threats, and abuse that women face from men who are taught to feel entitled to women's bodies," ThinkProgress wrote—tweets like, "Because women are forced to monitor the way they dress, act, and exist so the male attention they receive doesn't turn violent. #YesAllWomen" (@_ElizabethMay), "Because every woman I know has experienced some form of sexual harassment, abuse or assault, myself included. #YesAllWomen" (@leahkpickett), "if you haven't been raped, you feel like you are 'lucky' #yesallwomen" (@eehouls), "We are raised to protect ourselves from men, to expect violence and prepare for it. #yesallwomen" (@katekilla), and "Because when we say 'no,' we have to consider the repercussions of that. In every context. #yesallwomen" (@ChristaDesir). They said it better than we ever could, dears.