MONDAY, MAY 26
As clearly predicted in the Book of Revelation, cloven-hoofed succubus Kim Kardashian and her brainwashed minion Kanye West were married last Saturday in Florence, Italy. HIGHLIGHT #1: Blood rained from the sky as the earth opened, and innocent victims fell screaming into a lake of fire. HIGHLIGHT #2: Supposed "best buds" Beyoncé and Jay-Z (who was originally asked to be the best man) skipped the wedding to hang out on the beach in the Hamptons. Because... who wouldn't? HIGHLIGHT #3: As if the wedding itself wasn't irritating enough, Kim and Kanye also asked universally despised singer Lana Del Rey to perform, which was immediately followed by light snacks and seppuku. HIGHLIGHT #4: Kanye followed his planned post-wedding speech with another unplanned 20-minute rant where he loudly proclaimed to his captive audience that the Kardashian family were "warriors," "the most remarkable people of our time," and whose "combination of powers... can make the world a better place." When a guest was heard snickering, he was dragged out the back door and never heard from again. HIGHLIGHT #5: According to gossip site X17, brother-to-the-bride Rob Kardashian bolted before the wedding in tears after Kim allegedly "fat-shamed" him. "Kim was pissed that Rob hadn't made an effort to drop any weight [before the wedding]," said a snoopy source. "He said he'd make 'life easier for her,' and just leave." It's unknown whether Rob tried to steal a piece of cake on the way out. HIGHLIGHT #6: Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith and star of The Karate Kid remake, attended Kim and Kanye's wedding ceremony dressed in an all-white Batman suit. Shall we repeat that? Jaden Smith came to Kim and Kanye's nuptials dressed in an all-white Batman suit—thereby ruining every single wedding picture he appeared in. Note to Jaden Smith: You are our hero... forever.
TUESDAY, MAY 27
Last week's tragic UCSB shooting—wherein a young mis-ogynist went on a rampage, killing six people and wounding 13—inspired some unintended consequences... including the idiotic #NotAllMen Twatter hashtag, and the very necessary #YesAllWomen response. Unfortunately, when one turns over a rock, there's all kinds of vermin underneath—and right on cue, here's today's unwelcome blast from the past: Joe the Plumber. After attaining inexplicable national attention during the 2008 presidential election, Joe (real name Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher) has returned to say something monumentally dumb. Responding to the grieving father of one of the UCSB victims, Richard Martinez (who is rightfully furious with both the NRA and Congress' refusal to enact gun legislation), Joe issued the following statement: "I am sorry you lost your child... the one thing I never want to go through is what you're going through now. But, as harsh as this sounds, your dead kids don't trump my constitutional rights." (Note to readers: While it may surprise you, Joe the Plumber is not a constitutional scholar. However, he does know how to act like an ignoramus and remove hair from a drain.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28
Two deaths of note: Beloved local pianist Janice Scroggins passed away last night at the too-young age of 58. Janice was a regular at jazz club Jimmy Mak's, playing alongside such notables as Mel Brown, Linda Hornbuckle, and Curtis Salgado, and was nominated for a Grammy Award in 2000. By all accounts she was absolutely lovely and a shining light who will be sorely missed. Also passed: Legendary poet Maya Angelou died this morning in her North Carolina home; she was 86. Her list of accomplishments far outpace her best known work, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, but here's a start: Angelou was an author, professor, civil rights activist, actor, singer, dancer, and a recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom award for her outstanding work in the arts. And a week before she died, she even nailed social media with the best last tweet ever: "Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God." May both she and Ms. Scroggins rest in peace.
THURSDAY, MAY 29
STOP THE PRESSES: According to TMZ, an assailant leapt onto the red carpet and assaulted Hollywood legend Brad Pitt, destroying his designer sunglasses! The terrifying incident occurred before a screening of Maleficent: The Angelina Jolie Story, when "Ukrainian troublemaker" Vitalii Sediuk (who in the past has tried to kiss Will Smith, steal the mic from Adele at the Grammys, and embrace Bradley Cooper's crotch) lunged at Pitt and allegedly attempted to "hug him around the waist" in an attempt to "make Angelina Jolie jealous" according to Sediuk's lawyer. Thankfully, Pitt was unharmed—though his designer shades were destroyed in the scuffle. Memorial services for the sunglasses are scheduled for next week; Lana Del Rey is expected to perform.
FRIDAY, MAY 30
After waging a 20-year-long campaign, it appears Quentin Tarantino has tricked Uma Thurman into dating his giant chin—at least according to pics of the two canoodling at the Cannes Film Festival! "There has always been an attraction," a source tells the Mirror, possibly referring to the fawning way Tarantino has fetishized Thurman in movies like Kill Bill. "She has indulged from time to time, and that's how their relationship has always worked." Ah, Hollyweird... where even a hyper-dorky former video-store clerk can end up with one of the most beautiful women in the world, provided he makes her the star of two movies in which she brutally slaughters hundreds of people. SPEAKING OF COUPLES... Our formerly beloved George Clooney and his hussy gold-digger con-artist fiancée Amal Alamuddin have chosen a location for their wedding... DOWNTON ABBEY. As in Highclere Castle, the actual castle where Downton Abbey is filmed. Rates to rent out parts of the Victorian castle—which comes with its own chef, sits on 1,000 acres of parkland, and has been home to the Carnarvon family since 1679—start at $23,000 a night, and at this point we're sure George is doing this just to hurt us, because he knows—he knows—that the only show we care about AT ALL is Downton Abbey. And now he's getting married there? To someone who isn't us? We have never been this angry, this hurt, this betrayed, and... and... let's just move on to Saturday, dears. Let's just pour ourselves several very stiff drinks, vow to never watch Downton Abbey again, and move on to Saturday.
SATURDAY, MAY 31
A few days ago, Scout Willis—the very photogenic 22-year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore—got in trouble for posting pictures of nipples on her Instagram feed. So, naturally, she's protesting against this censorship by walking around New York City topless. "Legal in NYC but not on @instagram," she tweeted, posting a picture of herself wearing a floral skirt, a purse, and little else as she shopped for flowers on a New York street, later using the hashtag "#FreeTheNipple." "I am not trying to argue for mandatory toplessness, or even bralessness," Willis explained on xojane.com. "What I am arguing for is a woman's right to choose how she represents her body." "I totally agree with everything Scout Willis just said!" added Hubby Kip, as he frantically refreshed Willis' Twitter page. "Mandatory toplessness and bralessness should be mandatory! Hashtag free the nipple!" Scout, honey? Your message might not be getting out quite like you intended. MEANWHILE... A five-year-old video that features Justin Bieber, at age 15, telling a racist joke has made its way online—and yes, dears, hearing L'il Beebles say the n-word is exactly as despicable and creepy as you'd imagine. Normally we feel that youthful indiscretions deserve to stay in the past—but given the terror Das Biebs has turned out to be, allow us this, at least: BAD SEED. BAD SEED. BAAAAD SEEEEEEEED.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1
"As a young man, I didn't understand the power of certain words and how they can hurt," Justin Bieber said in a statement to ABC News regarding a certain video. "I take my friendship with people of all cultures very seriously and I apologize for offending or hurting anyone with my childish and inexcusable mistake." Yeah, yeah, yeah—the statement we want to read is the one from Bieber's mentor/BFF, Usher! (Especially if it's just Usher whispering "Baaaaad seeeeed" over and over.) MEANWHILE... The United States is seeing a "20-year, post-elimination-era high" of measles, the Oregonian reports, citing a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and adding, "The record-levels of measles have been reported in 18 states, and Oregon and Washington are among them." And here's the depressing kicker: The disease is spreading thanks to people who haven't been vaccinated due to "personal or philosophical reasons." "Excellent!" said the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's renowned contagious disease and vaccination specialist, Dr. Jenny McCarthy. "According to my rigorous and proven scientific findings, we're really making some great strides here. Absolutely nothing terrible could ever happen because of this."