MONDAY, JUNE 2
Behold America's hottest new trend: apology addiction! The internet loves it, thrives on it, and eats it up like Hubby Kip dipping Cheetos into a jar of peanut butter (disgusting). The week's first of many comes from Justin Bieber, who certainly has a lot to apologize for. As reported last week, a video dropped on the internet of young, swoopy-haired JB telling a very racist joke which we won't repeat here, but that includes the grand poobah of racial epithets aimed at black people. Not wildly surprising... but! It turns out that the gossipmongers over at TMZ had the video for the last four years, "but decided not to post it... because he was 15, and immediately told his friends what he did was stupid." That would be believable... if we all didn't know that TMZ are a bunch of immoral soulless vultures. Well, according to an inside source blabbing to Gawker, "[TMZ] have been using [the video] as essentially ransom so that Bieber and his team would cooperate with them and give them scoops." (Why does this not surprise us in the least? Oh, that's right... because our brains are functioning normally.) Regardless, TMZ (who denies the charges) reports that someone else had the video too, and tried to shake Bieber's team down for $1 million. But instead of paying up, Justin decided to 'fess up and issue the following apology: "I didn't understand the power of certain words and how they can hurt. Now that these mistakes from the past have become public, I need to apologize to all those I have offended. I'm very sorry." (Apology addicts: Don't hold your breath waiting for any more "sooo sorries." He's still Justin Bieber after all!)
TUESDAY, JUNE 3
Grab your syringe, here's more apology heroin—this time from actor Jonah Hill. The 21 Jump Street actor was walking around LA when a paparazzo began peppering him with questions and thinly veiled insults. The final straw was when the photog made a reference to Hill's floral-print board shorts... and the actor snapped, screaming, "Suck my dick, you [f-word]." Ouch, and cue sniveling public apology. But unlike the mostly unbelievable Bieber, Hill went on The Tonight Show to honestly and emotionally address his outburst. Expressing his lifelong respect for the LGBTQ community, Hill said, "My heart's broken and I genuinely am deeply sorry to anyone who's ever been affected by that term in their life." But instead of sharing the blame with the pestering paparazzo (which would've been well within his rights), he turned to address the audience, saying, "If someone says something that hurts you or angers you, use me as an example of what not to do. Don't respond with hatred or anger, because you're just adding more ugliness to the world." To the Justin Biebers, Chris Browns, and Alec Baldwins of the world: We hope you're taking notes.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4
Ready for yet another apology? "Yes! Yes!" cried the internet, "we're STARVING!!" Today it was R&B "Happy" singer Pharrell Williams serving up the mea culpas after wearing an American Indian headdress on the cover of the July edition of Elle UK. "Pharrell... why?! #NotHappy with @ELLEmagazine for the appropriation of this headdress," wrote one angry Twatter user. "I respect and honor every kind of race, background, and culture," Pharrel wrote in response, "I am genuinely sorry." Okay, so maybe this apology wasn't as grabby and heartfelt as Jonah Hill's. But in Pharrell's defense, he probably thought that Indian headdress was the most normal-looking hat he's worn in two years.
THURSDAY, JUNE 5
Okay, are you ready for someone who is absolutely NOT apologizing? "No! No!" cried the internet. Well, screw you, because here comes drunken Mischa Barton. We all remember Mischa's short, but oh-so-sweet role as drunken Marissa Cooper on The O.C., yes? Mischa was asked (paid) to be a celebrity host for Harrah's Atlantic City nightclub, Pool After Dark, wherein she and her entourage would party behind a red velvet rope as onlookers paid big money to gawp and drool at the famous person. Except for one thing... she didn't have an entourage. She was completely by herself, and according to the flesh-pickers at TMZ, "stayed at the club until 3 am, talked to no one, ordered a bottle of champagne and a bottle of tequila, and did shots... by herself." YES! And you better believe she didn't apologize for it! Mischa... you are our spiritual sister!
FRIDAY, JUNE 6
Hurray, another apology fix: Justin Bieber is still trying to apologize for saying the n-word in a way that maybe you'll believe. And so, after a period of "intense Bible study," Das Biebs has "washed away his sins with a baptism performed in a bathroom," TMZ reports, adding "JB checked out a bunch of churches for the dip—but his cover was blown every time and he wanted to keep the whole thing private." "Look, that's fine if Justin wants to atone for his sins or whatever," God said when reached for comment. "I appreciate the gesture, I guess? But next time somebody should tell that obnoxious little shit that if he wants the baptism to work, he should probably use water, not sizzurp. I mean, just... goddammit. I'm going to have to create, like, 10,000 picturesque sunsets to make up for ever breathing life into that moron."
SATURDAY, JUNE 7
Awful news: A Walmart semi truck slammed into a limousine bus on the New Jersey Turnpike early this morning, causing a six-vehicle pileup that killed comedian Jimmy Mack, while seriously injuring comedians Ardie Fuqua and Harris Stanton, as well as former 30 Rock and Saturday Night Live star Tracy Morgan and his assistant, Jeffrey Millea. Morgan, who's still hospitalized, suffered "several injuries," according to CNN—"including broken ribs, a broken nose, a broken leg, and a broken femur." Truck driver Kevin Roper has been charged—and, according to the prosecutor, didn't sleep for the 24 consecutive hours leading up to the crash. (Roper's Twitter bio—"Driving trucks for a living it's my road move or get hit!"—doesn't help, either.) Our condolences go out to Jimmy Mack's family, and our best wishes to everyone else for a speedy recovery. We'll be rewatching 30 Rock to keep vigil, Tracy.
SUNDAY, JUNE 8
Let's close out the week, as we've closed out so many weeks, with a heartfelt reminder of how hard it is to be Gwyneth Paltrow. To wit: "It's almost like, how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it," Gwynnie told attendees last week at a conference near Los Angeles. What was she talking about? Oh, just internet commenters who make fun of her. Natch, actual soldiers responded about as well as you'd imagine. Green Beret Bryan Sykes even wrote her an open letter! "I'd first like to start out by saying how terrible I feel for you and all your friends that on a daily basis have to endure mean words written by people you don't know. I can only imagine the difficulty of waking up in a 12,000-square-foot Hollywood home and having your assistant retrieve your iPhone, only to see that the battery is low and someone on Twitter... has written a mean word or two about you," Sykes wrote. "You've hit the nail on the head, war is exactly like that. You should receive a medal for the burden you have carried on your shoulders due to those meanies on social media." SLOW CLAP FOR GREEN BERET BRYAN SYKES, EVERYBODY. Now, if Gwyneth can just avoid saying anything else stupid before this week is ov—ALAS, WE SPOKE TOO SOON. "I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter," Paltrow wrote on her "lifestyle website" Goop, gushing over the work of widely criticized Japanese doctor Masaru Emoto, who claims that "energy generated by positive or negative words can actually change the physical structure of an object." "I have long had Dr. Emoto's coffee-table book on how negativity changes the structure of water," Paltrow blathered on. "How the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it." (Hey, Neil deGrasse Tyson? We eagerly await your open letter.)