MONDAY, JUNE 16
More details on the abomination that shocked and sickened the entire globe: the wedding of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian! Today it was revealed that Kanye threw another of his now-famous celebrity hissy fits after having his honeymoon "practically ruined" by famed photographer Annie Leibovitz. Apparently the celebrity snapper was scheduled to take the now iconic photo of Kanye and Kim smooching in front of a towering wall of white and yellow flowers—but according to Yeezus, Leibovitz cancelled a day before the wedding after "claiming she was afraid of celebrity." (Now... since Kanye is obviously confused about what happened, we're happy to help clear things up. Leibovitz isn't scared of the concept of celebrity—she's spent her entire successful career photographing them. She's obviously scared of certain types of "celebrities"... perhaps megalomaniacal sea hags who get married in front of a towering wall of flowers?) Anyway, according to TMZ, someone else had to step in and snap the pic, thereby cruelly forcing Kanye and Kim to spend FOUR DAYS of their honeymoon adjusting the photo because the flowers were "off color." And because that's what normal people do on their honeymoon. (Trust us... within one year, Kanye will be photoshopping Kim out of that picture.) IN RELATED MONSTER NEWS... Happy first birthday, baby North West! According to the Daily Mail, monster mom Kim Kardashian celebrated the anniversary of her daughter's birth by piercing the one-year-old's ears and inserting large diamond studs. (Oh, dear. How about next year giving North something she really needs? Like a visit from child protective services?)
TUESDAY, JUNE 17
"Comeuppance" is something that happens so rarely in the morally corrupt city of Tinselturd that we happily take whatever we can get—and today, a slight dash of "comeuppance" comes to has-been Jersey Shore star Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. The fallen reality star was spotted slinking out of a New Jersey police station with an ugly black eye after being arrested following a fight at his Middletown tanning salon. (Too perfect.) According to police, Monsieur Situation got into a fistfight with the co-owner of the salon (his brother, of course), presumably over how to run the business. (TMZ reported last week that several of his employees' paychecks have bounced.) No word yet on the condition of his world-famous abs—though since he's now back in the public eye, we're sure he'll show us soon enough.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18
Like a moth drawn to a douche-flame, former Disney princessSelena Gomez has been spotted back in the arms of her utterly grotesque former boytoy Justin Bieber. When we last checked in with SeGo, she was successfully giving JuBie the high hat, swearing she was done with this no-good, shirtless, bro-hole forever. And yet? Here she was spotted again earlier this week, tooling down Sunset Boulevard on the back of Justin's dumb three-wheeled motorcycle, the kind that seems to be so popular with the fedora-wearing, hookah-smoking douchebag set. Later that same evening, they were seen partying down in the private room at hotspot Bootsy Bellows, where, according to a witness gabbing to Us magazine, the pair looked "like a couple" and were "all over each other." (You know... when they put it that way, we can't help but imagine an old apple core teeming with maggots. But then, we hate young love.)
THURSDAY, JUNE 19
You're familiar with American Apparel, right? If not, flip to the back page of this paper, and look for the ad where a topless woman seems to have accidentally tripped and fallen into an uncomfortable position. Today it was announced that AA's creator and founder, Dov Charney, has been unceremoniously booted from his own company, which according to his board of directors "grew out of an ongoing investigation into alleged misconduct." The target of several sexual harassment charges (all of which have been dismissed or settled), Charney has denied doing anything wrong and has blamed much of the ensuing hubbub as "sexual shame tactics." Regardless of the veracity of these claims, according to the Guardian, American Apparel's profits have been steadily falling under Charney's guidance, and last year lost a whopping $100 million. (Wow! When a company is taking a fall this big, maybe it's okay to lose their top.)
FRIDAY, JUNE 20
Just when you thought we'd hit this week's quota of Kim Kardashian/Kanye West news, they go ahead and put together a bonus round! And what a bonus round it is! To celebrate baby North West's first birthday, this weekend KimYe put on a version of Coachella in their yard—but they insisted on calling it "Kidchella," because of course they did, because they are awful. Dlisted reports North's party had a Ferris wheel, a bouncy house, food carts, and teepees—and Kim's sister Khloe Kardashian sitting cross-legged in front of one of those teepees, wearing a Native American headdress. Oof. Okay, what are our takeaways here, dears? (1) The only thing that can make Coachella even more unbearable is children (to be fair, adding children to anything will make it unbearable). (2) The only thing that can make Kidchella even more unbearable is knowing that Kim and Kanye are there, waving around poor North like a screaming, pooping prop. And, finally, (3) cultural appropriation: Still not okay! And that goes double—no, triple—no, quadruple—if you're a Kardashian.
SATURDAY, JUNE 21
Speaking of the hobbies of the ultra-rich, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is making the rounds to promote her new book, Hard Choices—and to continue insisting, over and over, that she hasn't yet decided if she's running for president in 2016. (SPOILER: Hillary is 100 percent, totally, utterly, unequivocally, obviously, wholeheartedly going to run for president in 2016—and she's probably going to win, unless the GOP's evil scientists figure out how to clone Ronald Reagan in the next 24 months.) But while supporting Hard Choices (which, the more we think about it, seems like it should have been the title of Bill Clinton's memoir), Hillary made an odd statement: That, unlike those who are "truly well off," the Clintons are just scraping by, since they have to pay "ordinary income tax." Huh. The Washington Post, kindly enough, chimed in to remind us that Clinton's speaking fee is $200,000 an engagement—and she pocketed an $8 million advance for her last book, Living History. The Clintons are multimillionaires, and pretending to be otherwise is... well, actually, it's, like, obligatory as far as presidential campaigns go! We'll just count this as official confirmation she's running, then. MEANWHILE... And who should Hillary bump into on her signing tour than Katy Perry? This weekend the pop starlet tweeted a pic of herself alongside Hillary, holding a copy of Hard Choices. "I told hillaryclinton that I would write her a 'theme' song if she needs it," Katy tweeted, naturally added some emojis of American flags and a smiling lady. "Well that's not a Hard Choice," Hillary's campaign tweeted back. "You already did! Keep letting us hear you Roar," referring to Perry's song "Roar." Alas, Hillary did not use emojis in her response—thus revealing herself to be obliviously out of touch with today's youth. Hey, look! More confirmation she's running!
SUNDAY, JUNE 22
Uh oh! Somebody told Kim Jong-un about the new Seth Rogen and James Franco comedy The Interview, in which the two cads play talk show hosts tasked with assassinating the despot of North Korea. And Kim Myong-chol—whom the Telegraph notes is "executive director of the Centre for North Korea-US Peace and an unofficial spokesman for the regime in Pyongyang"—is not pleased. "There is a special irony in this storyline as it shows the desperation of the US government and American society," he said. "A film about the assassination of a foreign leader mirrors what the US has done in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and Ukraine. And let us not forget who killed Kennedy—Americans. In fact, President Obama should be careful in case the US military wants to kill him as well." Jesus Christ, Kim Myong-chol! Don't hold anything back! "James Bond is a good character," he added, making sure everyone knows he prefers 007 to Rogen, "and those films are much more enjoyable." While part of us wants to think this'll all blow over (if Kim Jong-il survived getting teased in Team America: World Police, surely his son can put up with the same?), but given North Korea these days, who knows. Maybe this dumb movie is, in fact, what will bring about nuclear Armageddon. Is this the way the world ends—not with a bang but a Franco?