MONDAY, JUNE 23
Darlings, never read or listen to interviews given by your favorite celebrities: At best they'll fail to reach your lofty expectations, and at worst they'll turn out to be horrifying bigots. Consider the case of beloved actor Gary Oldman and his interview with Playboy: Oldman flew off the rails a number of times during his chat with your granddad's fave porn magazine, labeling "political correctness" as "crap," and excusing Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic 2006 rant with "he got drunk... but we've all said those things." He went on to say, "Mel Gibson is in a town that's run by Jews, and he said the wrong thing because he's actually bitten the hand that I guess has fed him." OH... DEAR. Naturally, the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) took umbrage with Oldman's statements, and so? Cue the latest in the seemingly never-ending string of celebrity public apologies. "I am deeply remorseful that comments I recently made... were offensive to many Jewish people. I had just finished reading Neal Gabler's superb book about the Jews and Hollywood, An Empire of Their Own: How the Jews Invented Hollywood.... My own career specifically owes an enormous debt to that contribution." OHHHHH DEAR. Unsurprisingly, the ADL wasn't turning backflips over that mea culpa, snapping back, "His apology is insufficient and unsatisfactory. His reference to the [book] only reinforces the notion that Jewish directors, producers, and financiers are there in Hollywood as Jews. They're not... they are acting as individuals. They do not pursue a Jewish agenda or strategy." Stay tuned for what's sure to be Oldman's second apology next week, and while you're at it? Collect all 37.
TUESDAY, JUNE 24
The former man of our dreams (now backstabbing, heart-shattering villain of our nightmares) George Clooney just received a sweet perk from the city government of Lake Como, Italy. In preparation for his upcoming wedding to Amal Alamuddin (gnash! Gnash!), the city has enacted new laws that forbid anyone from stopping on the road or on the water next to his mansion. (And no, this has nothing to do with a series of "Swimfan-style" tweets we've been sending his way.) According to Mayor Roberto Pozzi, "This type of action is designed to bring about a change in people's behavior and create a more peaceful environment." Sooo... that's what the Italian government is doing for George Clooney. Let's check in on the Supreme Court to see what they're doing for the women of America! Here's the headline from Huffington Post: "Supreme Court Strikes Down Buffer Zones for Abortion Clinic Protests." The justices slammed a Massachusetts law that required protesters to stay 35 feet away from an abortion clinic's entrance, ruling that it violated the First Amendment. Apparently they didn't take into account the rights of women who are videotaped, harassed, and threatened by the daily gauntlet of rabid anti-abortion zealots. So congrats, George Clooney! Life sure must be nice for you white male millionaires who can seduce governments into doing whatever you want. And certain gossip columnists. (Stop it, Ann! Just stop it!!)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25
"I did not have sex with Lindsay Lohan," said Maroon 5 frontman/douchebag Adam Levine in an interview with Howard Stern. Ever since Adam discovered his name on Lindsay's famed Scattergories list of men she's slept with, he's been denying the charge to anyone who will listen. But don't you think that maybe he and list-mate James Franco might be protesting too much? "That's because I think we're being truthful about that very specific thing," Adam went on to say. So even though he's one of Hollyweird's most famous womanizers, he's never slept with LiLo? "I will swear on anything that you ask that I have never had sex with Lindsay Lohan," Adam solemnly vowed. ARE... YOU... SURE? "All right, we maybe kissed... it was lame... it was so long ago," Adam confessed. Ah-HA! No, YOU SIR, are lame, and we rest our case!
THURSDAY, JUNE 26
As reported last week in One Day, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un is hopping mad over the upcoming Seth Rogen/James Franco comedy The Interview—about two reporters commissioned to assassinate the leader. And this week? He's more madder. Yesterday a North Korea spokesman called the movie "a blatant act of terrorism and war" that will "absolutely not be tolerated," vowing that "a merciless counter-measure will be taken." And sure enough, according to the New York Times, "North Korea fired three short-range projectiles off its east coast on Thursday, a day after it warned of retaliation against an American comedy film." Rogen responded to the threat and missile launch thusly on his Twatter machine: "People don't usually wanna kill me for one of my movies until after they've paid 12 bucks for it. Hiyooooo!!!" In this battle of tiny rockets being squirted out into the ocean vs. hilarious, self-effacing tweets, Seth Rogen wins.
FRIDAY, JUNE 27
It's been a surprisingly long time since Miley Cyrus twerked all over our thigh, but don't worry, dears—she's alive and well! She's just been busy with her new dog, Emu Coyne Cyrus, who replaces her Alaskan Klee Kai, Floyd, who was eaten by a coyote(!). "It's taken some time to be ready for this next step and loving again," MyCy wrote on Instagram, in a statement that seems perfectly fine, but then gets weird. Bear with Miley, dears, because the payoff is so, so worth it: "There will never be anyone like Floyd," Cyrus continued. "There was a bond that was so deep it's irreplaceable but that's not what I'm trying to do. Never will I replace Floyd and that's something I had to take time to understand. we had a very special memorial service for Floyd and I felt my angel Floydy give Emu his blessing. I prayed to Floyd to just give him a touch of his awesomeness and he has. He is so special and different than my baby Floyd and I think Floyd did that on purpose." JACKPOT! This has been your weekly installment of "People Sure Do Get Creepy About Their Dumb Animals"—come back next week to hear Gary Sinise's un-purr-lievable tale about how his charming Persian, Professor Marmalade, once refused to get off his lap, thus causing Sinise to miss a train... and then that train crashed!
SATURDAY, JUNE 28
While celebs like Gary Oldman should for real just STFU already, celebs like Amy Adams can do whatever they want and we will love them forever, forever, forever. Our latest addition to the "Amy Adams Is Wonderful" folder: "I noticed Ms. Adams was in first class and as I was getting seated, I saw the flight attendant guide the soldier to Ms. Adams' seat," airplane passenger Jemele Hill told ABC News. "She was no longer in it, but it was pretty clear that she'd given up her seat for him." Adams—whose father was in the military, and who spoke briefly with the soldier before taking the soldier's old seat in coach—"didn't do it for attention for myself," the delightful actress told Inside Edition, adding, "I did it for attention for the troops." Amy! You're the best! You'll always be the best! We'll now celebrate—as we've become quite fond of doing—by pouring ourselves a box of Franzia and watching American Hustle. Again.
SUNDAY, JUNE 29
There's trouble in paradise, it seems, for the beloved Beyoncé and the slightly less-beloved-but-still-pretty-well-liked Jay-Z—and it's so bad that an anonymous "pal" of the couple tells Star that "they've been talking through their issues" in couples' therapy! The instigating factor, it seems, was Bey's sister Solange's "violent elevator attack in May," after which... oh, no. This next part is just the worst. Brace yourselves. "Immediately following the fight," Star cruelly reports, "Gwyneth Paltrow put them in touch with her therapist, who was responsible for her 'conscious uncoupling' concept. Now Beyoncé and Jay attend three sessions a week." Oh... oh... oh dear god, no. Beyoncé! What are you doing? Why are you—why would you ever—Gwyneth Paltrow is a monster—this is... this will not end well. Will Jay-Z start saying insipid things like "conscious uncoupling"? Will Beyoncé go from being a flawless superpower to being the kind of person who reads Goop? Is this the end of Camelot?! Mark our words: This will not end well.