MONDAY, MARCH 9 Wait... hear that? If that's the sound of hooves prancing with glee, it can only mean one thing: John "Hung Like a Stallion" Mayer has asked Jennifer "She Looks Like a Horse" Aniston to become his "Mrs. Ed." According to the Daily Mirror, Mayer has been shopping for an 18-carat diamond engagement ring at posh jewelry firm Lorraine Schwartz—yes, that's the same jeweler who furnished stunning rocks for J.Lo, Beyoncé, and ourselves (in our dreams). Why such humongous bling? "When [John] does get down on one knee, he wants to be completely sure he gets the right answer," says a snoopy source. Oh, please. What else is she going to say? When you're a couple furlongs away from the glue factory, practically any jockey will do! The more important question is, "Considering her track record, how much longer can this relationship even last?" Answer in three... two... one... "Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer: Broken Up" reads this afternoon's E! Online headline. "He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour [promoting her movie Marley & Me]," an insider says. OUCH! Sorry, Jennifer. There may not be an 18-carat ring, but you'll always have Sex and the City reruns and a bucket of oats.
TUESDAY, MARCH 10 In other totally UNsurprising news from Splitsville, 18-year-old Bristol Palin (daughter of failed veep wannabe Sarah Palin) has been dumped and left holding the baby by former fiancé and admitted redneck Levi Johnston. Rumor has it that during the election the GOP was strongly encouraging Levi to marry Bristol as soon as she finished high school to ensure that the potential vice president didn't have an unwed mother for a daughter. However, since Sarah lost the election, the deal is obviously off. And while Tripp doesn't yet have the greatest command of the English language, he did have this reaction: "Thankgodthankgodthankgod...." MEANWHILE... According to the New York Post, singer and alleged Rihanna abuser Chris Brown has found a new scapegoat for his troubles: his management team. Brown reportedly wants to fire his entire management/publicity staff for bumbling the PR fallout following his alleged attack on girlfriend Rihanna. According to a source, "Chris wanted to apologize much earlier... and he was upset when the apology was finally released because it sounded so insincere." WAIT. He was upset by an apology someone else wrote for him? Ohhhh... then by all means, let us give it a shot. "Dear public and especially Rihanna: I am too morally despicable to write my own apology, meaning I'm obviously not very ashamed by my horrible and abusive actions. However, I do admit I beat women, I'm a loathsome excuse for a human being, and while my penis should be cut off for my crimes, it is far too small to be located at this time. And for this, I apologize. Sincerely an asshole, Chris Brown." Better?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11 YES! "Disintegrating Hollyweird Relationship Week" continues with... who else... Lindsay Lohan and her persnickety lesborific gal-pal DJ Samantha Ronson. This week's flare-up occurred at the exclusive Las Vegas nightclub Prive, where LiLo arrived to surprise SamRo during her DJ gig. However, it was Lindsay who received the surprise when the pair started fighting about god-knows-what and grumpy Sam stormed from the club, peeling out in her black Porsche. Lindy quickly followed, drink in hand, frantically screaming, "Did she leave in my car? Did she fucking leave? Did she fucking leave?" Hopping into her black Mercedes SL550, Lindsay pursued Sam all the way back to LA, forgetting only one thing... her bodyguard left stranded outside the club. It's unknown how or if he made it back to Los Angeles. Hmm... Sam and LiLo aren't considering adoption, right?
THURSDAY, MARCH 12 Justice got a little blinder today when two high-profile cases came to fruition: First, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at visiting former President Bush was sentenced to three years in prison. "It was an act of throwing a shoe and not a rocket," the lawyer for Muntadhar al-Zeidi told the judge. "It was meant as an insult to the occupation." That brings up a good point... what kind of prison sentence does one get for throwing a rocket? MEANWHILE... Wall Street con artist Bernard Madoff pled guilty today of fleecing investors out of close to $65 billion and is now looking at up to 150 years in prison. DeWitt Baker, an investor who lost more than $1 million to Madoff's schemes, offered up his own suggestion for punishment. "I'd stone him to death," he said simply. Sometimes the old ways are still the best ways.
FRIDAY, MARCH 13 Breaking news: Girly Zac Efron has Christ-like powers! The 21-year-old star of High School Musical recently told of his healing mojo, recalling one fan he inspired to walk. "I was at this signing and there were stairs you had to walk up," Efron preached. "There was this mom that was in a wheelchair and her daughter came up and got an autograph. And the mom was like, 'I want one too,' so she stands right up from the wheelchair and walks right up on stage. I signed like 10 things for her and she walked back down, sat in her wheelchair, and rolled away." Okay, so first? Obvs, that lady was totally faking. Second? Screw his Footloose remake—the only thing Efron can do to make up for High School Musical is to play Jesus in an equally gory remake of The Passion of the Christ. MEANWHILE... Thought things were crazy for Lindsay Lohan before? Well, buckle up! Today the Beverly Hills Police Department issued an arrest warrant for Lohan! Apparently, following her hit-and-run DUI in 2007, Lohan didn't complete the mandatory community service, didn't finish her alcohol program, and failed a drug test. Watch out, Beverly Hills! LOHAN IS ON THE LOOSE! (Lohan's activities today did not include turning herself in to police, but rather [A] getting in a fight with her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, in which a window at Ronson's house was broken; [B] dining and drinking with friends; and [C] at 2 am, showing up uninvited at Jack Nicholson's house on Mulholland Drive and demanding to be let in.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 14 "The warrant issued on Friday was, in our view, born out of a misunderstanding," said Lindsay Lohan's lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley. (Holley refused to answer questions on why his name makes him sound like a serial killer.) Beverly Hills Police Lieutenant Mark Rosen weighed in as well. "We are not actively looking for Ms. Lohan at this time," Rosen told reporters. "But if she comes in contact with police, she's subject to arrest." In other words, STAY ALERT, RESIDENTS OF BEVERLY HILLS!
SUNDAY, MARCH 15 UPDATE! LINDSAY LOHAN STILL AT LARGE! She is on Twitter, though, tweeting tweets that will doubtless confound any Beverly Hills cop... or any sane person, really. Let's look at the Twee-vidence (sorry!), as gathered by Defamer.com! "I miss my baby- but she really does owe me ONE__ IM SORRY," "At chateau meeting with chicks who act like d*cks... Ha!", "people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! Do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING," "THERE IS NO WARRANT!", and, finally, "la needs better restaurants." Well, can't argue with that last one. MEANWHILE... Among all of this week's chaos and confusion, we had to find at least one feel-good story to end the week on. And... well... we're sorry, but this is the best we could do: Jamie Kennedy and Ghost Whisperer's Jennifer Love Hewitt? Officially an item! No? Okay, fine. Just remember: If you see a certain fugitive around, do not make eye contact, slowly back away, and—if absolutely forced to speak to her—complain about restaurants.