JUSTIN BIEBER A story about how Bieber did something "nice." FAAAAKE!
JUSTIN BIEBER Rescuer/torturer of children.

MONDAY, JUNE 30

Stop the presses, darlings! According to TMZ, post-pubescent a-hole Justin Bieber may have actually done something "thoughtful" this weekend. (Don't get too excited yet!) Boxer Floyd Mayweather was walking the red carpet at the BET Awards while talking on the phone with his friend Justin Bieber (already this story sounds FAAAAKE!)... when he simultaneously learned his children were involved in a multicar accident. (How did he hear about this and talk to Bieber at the same time? Conference call? FAAAAKE!) Instead of leaving the red carpet to attend to his children (FAAAAKE!), Mayweather asked Bieber—who just happened to be driving around the area at the time (FAAAAKE!)—to check on his kids for him (Justin would rather drink sizzurp than help anyone in need... so... FAAAAKE!). Bieber arrived at the accident to discover the kids were safe but distraught—so to calm the children down, he played his new songs for them. (That's not just FAAAAKE, that's downright cruel!!) MEANWHILE... Recovering substance abuser Chris Brown—who pledged to stop partying after being let out of jail earlier this month—was spotted by TMZ being carried out of a BET Awards afterparty early this morning... apparently too intoxicated to move under his own power. (Quick, Justin Bieber! Drive over there and play him your new songs!)

TUESDAY, JULY 1

Following on the heels of the Supreme Court's ridiculous ruling on "buffer zones"—which now allows screaming, placard-waving zealots to set up human gauntlets outside of abortion provider offices—the Supremes topped themselves today with their Hobby Lobby decision. In a narrow 5-4 victory for the Christian-owned craft store chain, the court ruled that, due to Hobby Lobby's evangelical beliefs, the corporation can't be forced to cover employee contraceptives. And here we thought only "people" could hold religious beliefs! However, instead of listening to us preach to the choir, let's hear what universally beloved choir leader (and former Star Trek star) George Takei had to say. "One wonders whether the [Hobby Lobby] case would have come out differently if a Muslim-run chain business attempted to impose Sharia law on its employees," Takei wrote on his personal blog. "Hobby Lobby is the same company that invests in Pfizer and Teva Pharmaceuticals, makers of abortion inducing-drugs and the morning-after pill. The hypocrisy is galling." Preach on, George Takei! Preach on! "Hobby Lobby is not a church," Takei added. "It's a business.... Your boss should not have a say over your health care. Once the law starts permitting exceptions based on 'sincerely held religious beliefs' there's no end to the mischief and discrimination that will ensue." Note to universe: If George Takei isn't the next Supreme Court justice, we're going to murder the earth. 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2

For the longest time we heard absolutely nothing from former romcom actress/egomaniac Katherine Heigl... until now. Apparently every other woman celebrity on earth was busy, because Heigl is the featured interview in this month's Marie Claire, in which she describes her banishment from Hollyweird as a "personal choice" (uh-huh, right), and apparently feels that she didn't fail in her career... it was her career that failed her. "The thing that was my best friend for a long time suddenly turned on me," Heigl said. "And I didn't expect it. I was taken by surprise and angry at it for betraying me." Reached for response, Katherine Heigl's career responded, "Ughh! She is the absolute worst. Can I be someone else's career, please? Gilbert Gottfried? Sarah Palin? Anybody?"

THURSDAY, JULY 3

"Good evening, my name is Robin Thicke. I'd like to dedicate this song to my wife, and say, 'I miss you, and I'm sorry.'" That was the pathetic scene at LA's Nokia Theatre, where the serial cheater and composer of the rapey "Blurred Lines" sang "Forever Love" in a cringingly awkward attempt to lure estranged wifey Paula Patton back into his creepy arms. The pair split up in February after nine years of marriage, and ever since, Thicke has been publically humiliating himself—which honestly, he probably would've been doing anyway. He's even dedicated his newest terrible album, Paula, to his ex-wife, penning a bevy of vomit-inducing songs such as "Lock the Door" (which is exactly what Paula should do, if he shows up). Here are some lyrics from the song: "Don't leave me out here in the cold/Ooh turn the porch light on/At least open the doggy door/Throw a friend a juicy bone." (Actually, Paula... forget about locking the door—get a restraining order.)

FRIDAY, JULY 4

Happy Independence Day, America! While Hubby Kip is out in the driveway doing his best to blow off his remaining fingers, we're celebrating in our backyard hammock with a steady supply of martinis, Us magazines, an—AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAH!! COUGAR!!! THIS JUST IN... A cougar terrorized East Portland this week, first appearing on June 29 near SE 121st and Division; appearing again on June 30 at NE 167th and Halsey; killing a housecat(!) at SE 162nd and Main on July 1; and creeping around NE 148th and Sacramento on July 2. And then, today, it skulked around multiple locations near NE 117th and Siskiyou before climbing a tree "in the 2900 block of 121st Avenue, near a Fourth of July barbecue," where it hung out for several hours—until "police, [the] fire [department], and the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife successfully tranquilized, caged, and removed the animal," according to KOIN 6 News ("Your Source for Portland News About Cougars Eating Housecats"). Shortly thereafter, the Avengers-like assemblage of Oregon authorities—having successfully joined forces in order to defeat a 110-pound cougar—"humanely euthanized" the animal, justifying doing so by noting that it had lost its fear of humans. (As of press time, the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife has yet to return our calls informing them that Gwyneth Paltrow has also lost her fear of humans. Oh well. It was worth a shot.)

SATURDAY, JULY 5

For years, the shrieking harpies of The View have provided us with a barrage of useless, wince-inducing babble—particularly the "insights" offered by right-wing nutbag Elisabeth Hasselbeck and science-illiterate anti-vaxxer Jenny McCarthy. But this week, everyone on The View except for Whoopi Goldberg was abruptly fired! Naturally, one of America's finest started lobbying to be a replacement host. Wait for it.... "I hear everyone recently got canned from The View," former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin told the Hollywood Reporter. "Maybe a show like that needs a punch of reality and a voice of reason from America's Heartland to knock some humble sense into their scripts. You know, someone willing to go rogue." AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAH!! PALIN!!! For the second time this week, dears, we just screamed at the top of our lungs—and this time, we aren't sure if it's out of fear... or excitement. Maybe both?

SUNDAY, JULY 6

Just when we thought Ashton Kutcher couldn't commit any more wrongs, he's found a way to ruin something else. This time he's destroying the career of the talented and charming Mila Kunis, who's gone from That '70s Show to Black Swan to seeming like one of the few smart cookies in Hollyweird—or maybe not so smart, given that she's QUITTING ACTING FOREVER to take care of the dumb baby she's having with dumb Ashton Kutcher. Normally, a woman choosing to be a stay-at-home mom would be totally fine... but not to take care of (ugh) Ashton Kutcher Jr. "This job has always been a hobby that turned into a great profession, but I don't eat and breathe acting," Kunis told W. "I'm sure Meryl Streep has a very different point of view. But I'm excited about being a full-time mom." MEANWHILE.... "I do have a very different point of view," Meryl Streep said when reached for comment. "But ya'know, if it takes quitting a promising acting career in order to make sure Ashton Kutcher's dumb kid doesn't turn out to be anything like its dumb dad? Hell, that's a pretty good trade-off. Give that girl a medal."