MONDAY, MARCH 23 News Flash! Old people need love, too! To be frank, we rarely write about the aged in this column because (a) they are too old to get themselves into the kind of trouble that is of interest to our readership, and (b) this isn't a large-print newspaper. However, we do love to report about Hollyweird trends, and this week's top trend is old people getting married! Isn't that adorable? They so want to be like the rest of us. First up, rapidly aging action star Bruce Willis toddled up the aisle this past weekend, after waiting an entire year to marry gal pal Emma Heming—hey, when you're 54 years old (like Willis) you need someone to drive you to the bingo games. Also married last week was grumpy grampy David Letterman, who wed longtime g-friend Regina Lasko after apparently deciding he didn't want to die alone. And while he may not have taken the plunge just yet, People magazine reported that sexy-genarian Harrison Ford has FINALLY proposed to the stick-thin, swollen-lipped Calista Flockhart after seven interminable years of courtship. We're not too sure what he was waiting for—it's not like Calista was going to UN-waste away. Regardless, congrats to all the happy couples, and as a wedding present, they can expect to receive an "I Heart the AARP" mug in the mail. (Note to old people: Please stop driving.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 24 Presidential dreamboat Barack Obama interrupted prime-time television tonight for another of his press conferences—which was bad for the East Coast, who missed NBC's The Biggest Loser, and not so bad for the West Coast, who only missed Judge Judy. And while his message about taking drastic measures to save our country's floundering economy was a touch unnerving, whenever he looks at us with those big brown eyes, and speaks to us in that strong, confident voice, we forget all about our silly economic problems and imagine ourselves eating s'mores and cuddling with him in a giant beanbag chair. Oh, that sweet voice... those soft lips... those big... Zzzzzzzzzz... bftpht! Snort! Huh? What? How long were we out? Were we drooling? Oh god, we were drooling. MEANWHILE... As reported last week, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are officially DUNZO—and according to the Daily Telegraph, Twitter was the other woman! A snoopy source says that Mayer was far too busy "twittering" on the popular social networking site to call Jen or return her nagging emails. "Jen was fuming," says the snoop, "There he was, telling her he didn't have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates." Actually, we know how he feels. Social networking is great because you don't have to actually socialize with anyone.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25 And now it's time once again for "News of the Obvious." Today's top headline from Us Weekly: "Demi Moore to Terminally Ill Fan: Don't Have Surgery to Look Like Me." Ummm... can that advice apply to the rest of us as well? MEANWHILE... Obvious headline of the day #2 from MSNBC.com: "Chris Brown and Rihanna Are Taking a Break." We can certainly understand why: Beating the crap out of someone can be exhausting!
THURSDAY, MARCH 26 Pop cougar Madonna is off to Africa again to pick up another orphan for her growing collection—but it looks like she won't get this one without a fight. According to New York's Daily News, the adoption process might be stalled because of her extramarital shenanigans (hi, A-Rod and Jesus!), and recent divorce from director Guy Ritchie. A senior official from Malawi's Ministry of Women and Child Welfare stated, "Our official policy is that we do not encourage our children to be sent into broken homes." Oh, COME ON, Malawi official! Madonna is NOT the Octomom, her annual salary is double the net worth of most African nations, and if she can't find a father for the child, she'll adopt one. Case closed! MEANWHILE... Though we haven't heard from her in a while, Paris Hilton is still capable of annoying people into violence. Today in a Miami club, Hilton marched up to the DJ and demanded that he stop playing techno music—because after all, these are Paris Hilton's ears we're talking about. One of the DJ's entourage gave her a shove, current Hilton boy-toy Doug Reinhardt leapt to her defense, and six club security guards fell on him like a house of bricks. Paris described the traumatic scene in her blog: "All hell broke loose. It was like something out of a fight movie... Doug was fighting off like six guys. But he was of course stronger than them all, but one of the idiots punched him in the face and busted open his lip. I cannot believe people behave this way, like ainmals [sic]!" Hey, PETA! Are you guys gonna let her insult "ainmals" like that?
FRIDAY, MARCH 27 So that annoying "Vince" guy from the ShamWow infomercials? The "you'll say, 'Wow!' everytime!" guy? Well, when he isn't selling glorified paper towels, 44-year-old Vince Shlomi allegedly beats up hookers! Says thesmokinggun.com, "Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1,000 in cash after she 'propositioned him for straight sex.' Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly 'bit his tongue and would not let go.' Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue." MEANWHILE... The conspiracy theorists at gawker.com suggest that perhaps Harris was hired by the Church of Scientology—an organization Shlomi was kicked out of in 2004! Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII dismissed the accusation. "If myself and my fellow church leaders—hi Tom!—wanted to kill Vinnie, everyone knows we'd have used a Thangarian vibroblade or a plasma katana," Klaktu scoffed. "Besides, why would we eliminate the source for the only known material in the Delta Quadrant that effectively absorbs the acidic bloodslime of xenomorphs?"
SATURDAY, MARCH 28 Dare we hope for a star-cross'd reunion? "She keeps sneaking messages to Adnan begging him to help her win back her freedom," a source tells The Sun, gushing that Britney Spears is covertly contacting her former beau, goateed douchenozzle Adnan Ghalib. "She feels trapped. She has been begging him to meet her and help her come up with a plan to get out of her dad's conservatorship." The duo have yet to brainstorm a scheme, though: "Some messages have got back to her via her hairdressers and style team," the source continues, "but Adnan cannot contact her otherwise he will face jail." (The Sun notes that Ghalib is still facing legal fallout from when he "allegedly tried to run over a legal worker who tried to serve him with a restraining order obtained by Britney's dad Jamie Spears.") Ah... romance.
SUNDAY, MARCH 29 "Why doesn't this singer pick other children? It is stealing," says 61-year-old Lucy Chekechiwa—the grandmother of Mercy James, the Malawian three-year-old that Madonna planned to ruthlessly steal easily adopt! And it gets worse! Us points out that the British charity Save the Children is accusing Madonna of encouraging poor parents 'to abandon children in the hope that they will have a better life.'" Okay, concerned English people! Turn off your Mr. Bean, put down your crumpets, and listen: Of course Madonna can't heartlessly abduct deeply care about every single child in Malawi or wherever. That's what Angelina Jolie is for. Now get off of Madge's wrinkly ol' back and let her go ahead with her nefarious child-snatching practices that are probably vampiric or something in nature her charitable adoption, won't you? Jolly good.