MONDAY, JULY 21
Prick up your ears, darlings—for that sound you hear may be the death knell for Hollyweird's most highly regarded couple. Why? Because rumor has it Beyoncé and Jay-Z are speeding toward SPLITSVILLE. (Is it too soon to say that the gorgeous and talented Beyoncé was always too good for this frankly overrated rapper, and she should've dumped him when he started writing lyrics about enjoying "Truffle season"? It is? Fine, we'll be quiet about it then. For the moment.) Page Six reported this weekend that "only divine intervention" could save the power couple's relationship, and "Jay-Z seemingly is the one most at fault." (HAH! We knew it! "Truffle season," indeed!) Apparently the pair will split up at the end of their current co-headlining On the Run tour, but they're already busying themselves with details on how to orchestrate the breakup. Says Blind Gossip, "[The divorce] will be very clean and very fast. In fact, the parties involved are describing the timeline as 'Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes fast.'" So what's the perceived motivating factor behind the split? As usual, a triflin', no-good, cheatin' man. Waggy tongues at HollywoodLife.com postulate that Jay has maintained a "too close for comfort" relationship with designer Rachel Roy, and his rumored shenanigans were what allegedly caused the great Solange Knowles' elevator blowup of 2014. While that definitely could be the reason, we think that anyone who raps about "Truffle season" deserves to be permanently kicked to the curb. Hmmf. TRUFFLE SEASON. Indeed!
TUESDAY, JULY 22
A new interview with celebrity whack-job Kanye West is always a reason to celebrate—because you'll always come away with quotes that will boggle the mind. For example, in his newest chat with GQ magazine, Kanye went off once again on how poorly celebrities are treated by... well, soulless gossip rags like ours. "What I talked about was the idea of celebrity," Kanye opined, "and celebrities being treated like blacks were in the '60s, having no rights...." Oh, you mean like the time Angelina Jolie was forced to ride in the back of a bus, because she starred in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider? Yes, that was TERRIBLE, Kanye. (Eye roll.) Kanye also talked about the media's efforts to "de-fang" him, before immediately reversing his position. "But also, there's no fangs," he replied. "I don't have fangs. I'm a porcupine. I'm a blowfish. Like, I'm a... what's that fish that blows up? Yeah. I'm a blowfish. I'm not a shark, I'm a blowfish." GQ should've stopped the interview right there—because that's the closest Kanye will ever get to self-realization.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 23
Note to anyone with an opinion about the current war in the Gaza Strip: If you're choosing either side, you're doing it wrong. Yes, Hamas is a terrorist organization that included "the destruction of Israel" in its charter. Yes, it definitely provoked Israel's current manic behavior by firing rockets and sending suicide bombers into their country. And yes, they're putting innocent Palestinian civilians in the crosshairs by hiding among them and drawing enemy fire. So in conclusion... yes, Hamas are DICKS. On the other hand, at press time, the Palestinian death count is 1,043 while Israel has lost 43 soldiers and two civilians—so yeah, one could say that Israel is over-swinging a bit. For example, today Israeli tanks fired on a UN school, killing at least 15 and wounding others, including those who were trying to escape the fighting outside. Meanwhile an Israeli air strike hit a refugee camp, killing six members of the same family, including an 18-month-old child. Want more? Israeli missiles hit a children's playground, killing seven kids, and Gaza's main hospital... and rest assured we could go on and on. It's little wonder that the UN's High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navi Pillay, warned both countries today to refrain from "indiscriminate attacks," because their actions "may amount to war crimes." May? We'd say it's a bit too late for that.
THURSDAY, JULY 24
In much better news, terminal douchebag Robin Thicke—composer of the rapey hit "Blurred Lines"—is fucking miserable. Apparently his weeks of whining and begging his wife, Paula Patton, to take him back have gone absolutely nowhere (heh, heh, hehhhhh), and according to TMZ, Thicke has thrown in the towel and is telling anyone who'll listen that his marriage is OVER. Thicke is selling their LA mansion, an attorney is hard at work separating their assets, and now Thicke's apparently ready to move on with his life. (Which is to say, looking for another poor woman's life to ruin.)
FRIDAY, JULY 25
Ancient Sex and the City mummy Cynthia Nixon decided to go on TLC's ancestry show Who Do You Think You Are?, and... surprise! SHE'S DESCENDED FROM AN AXE MURDERER! In 1843 Missouri, Nixon's "great-great-great grandmother Martha Curnutt murdered her abusive husband Noah Casto with an axe," Us reports! "I certainly wouldn't call it a happy ending, by any stretch of the imagination," Nixon said after being told how her great-great-great grandma "took the axe with which she had been chopping wood and with one blow sunk it deep into [her husband's] head, just through the eyes." "OOOoooOOOOoooOOOooOOOooo!" wailed The Ghost of Martha Curnutt! "Thanks for cluing me in to who my descendants are, TLC! And let it hereby be known that I—and my bloody axe—will now be seeking a new vengeance... against Cynthia Nixon! Watching Sex and the City 2 was the worst experience since I was found guilty of first-degree manslaughter and sentenced to five years in the Missouri State Penitentiary, where I was the only female inmate at the time! OoooOooooOOOO!" And with that, Cynthia Nixon was haunted until the end of her days, and TLC actually taught us something: Never appear in Sex and the City 2.
SATURDAY, JULY 26
Susan Sarandon continued to be Hollywood's Greatest Person Who Ever Lived this week, giving a fantastic interview to the Daily Beast, in which the 67-year-old actress talked about sleeping with David Bowie ("He's worth idolizing. He's extraordinary"), those goddamn cops at Burning Man ("despite the fact that there was more of a police presence there, it was a lot of fun and I'd definitely go back"), working with a very young Brad Pitt on Thelma & Louise ("This guy is a character actor hidden in this gorgeous body"), and drugs. So. Many. Drugs. "I don't really like chemical things, really," Sarandon said. "Timothy Leary was a friend of mind, so that acid was nice and pure, but I'm not really looking for chemicals, and I don't like to feel speedy. But I've done Ayahuasca and I've done mushrooms and things like that. But I like those drugs in the outdoors—I'm not a city-tripper. My attitude about marijuana or anything is, 'Don't be stoned if you have to pretend you're not,' so I'd never do drugs if I was taking care of my kids. I like doing it in the Grand Canyon, or in the woods. You want to be prepared and not have responsibilities." Dears, we can't bold these words bold-y enough: Susan Sarandon is a national treasure.
SUNDAY, JULY 27
And finally, we turn to Kid Rock, Insane Clown Posse, "Dirty Dan" Diamond, and the saga of a glass dildo. The majestic tale began last year, when former Insane Clown Posse publicist Andrea Pellegrini filed suit against Joseph "Violent J" Bruce and Joseph "Shaggy 2 Dope" Utsler for "wrongful termination, harassment, retaliation, and infliction of emotional distress" after she was reportedly harassed by former Insane Clown Posse employee "Dirty Dan" Diamond, who allegedly tried to seduce Pellegrini by giving her a glass dildo. Pellegrini declined—as would anyone with any common sense being offered a dildo of any sort by anyone named "Dirty Dan"—at which point Dirty Dan inexplicably gave the glass dildo to Kid Rock as a gift. (Or maybe he was trying to seduce Kid Rock, too? Who knows!) "It's nothing to 'whoop whoop' about," the proud journalists at Rolling Stone wrote. And now, attorneys in the case "have subpoenaed [Kid Rock] to produce the item as court evidence." Which means that Kid Rock—AKA Robert James Ritchie—has 14 days to locate the dildo, squeeze into his finest velour suit, and "produce the item in court." As there is absolutely nothing we can add to this story, dears, we now bring this fateful week to a close.