MONDAY, APRIL 6 Cue pathetic sense of denial in three... two... one.... "We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself," Lindsay Lohan said to E! News today, still denying that her relationship with grumpy mannish DJ Samantha Ronson didn't just swirl down the toilet. Let's recount what happened this past weekend, and you can decide for yourself if what LiLo and SamRo are experiencing sounds like "a brief break." On Friday, Linds suffered a near psychotic breakdown after she was refused entry to a Ronson family bash at Bar Marmont in West Hollyweird. "Lindsay was banned from the event and was trying to enter from all ends," a snoopy spy stated. "Sam did not want her there." Lindsay got a second clue that all might not be right in Samanthaland when she arrived at Sam's house and noticed that all the locks had been changed. Clue three? Lindsay was only given a few minutes to get her stuff out of Sam's place. However, when Sam's family visited the Beverly Hills Police Station to get information on how to obtain a restraining order? That's just a little more icing on the "You Just Got DUMPED" cake. BUT! Tomorrow is always another day, right?
TUESDAY, APRIL 7 Not really. At least according to this headline from Radaronline.com: "Lindsay Meltdown! Chugging Vodka After Breakup with Sam!" (And who says subtlety is a lost art?) According to onlookers, Linds fell off the sober wagon in a big way, crying and dook, dook, dooking a bottle of vodka late last night at LA's h.wood club. Happily, she reportedly began to slow down a bit as the night wore on, mixing her vodka with diet soda—because, you know... she's so fat—and was eventually able to text again. (Good for you, L! As we always say, "Just take it one text at a time.") However, we still remain unconvinced that she recognizes the severity of her breakup with Sam. When paps from the X17 gossip site asked her about getting kicked to the curb, Linds responded, "You make it seem like it's over—it's not. People take breaks... it's okay... it's normal... focus on themselves." Ummmm... think the bottle of Grey Goose told her that? MEANWHILE... In somewhat related news, it was a huge day for fans of the gay rights movement, when Vermont legislators overruled Republican governor Jim Douglas' veto of a bill that now allows gays and lesbians to legally marry. "What's that? What did you just say? Samantha wants to marry me?" asked a jubilant Lindsay Lohan. "See? I knew it! I told you we were just taking a break! Samantha, I don't care if it's in Vermont or any of those tiny states where they like gay people—the answer is Yes, YES, a thousand times YES!!!"
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8 After figuring out she would not be able to marry Samantha Ronson in Vermont, Lindsay Lohan needed to talk to someone—so why not Us Weekly? (Hey... cheaper than a therapist.) In an article titled, "I Am So Alone"—again, subtle—Lindsay spoke at length with the tab about the horrific events of 4/3, and how even the people she once treated like shit now refused to speak with her. "Everyone's turned on me," she blubbered, recounting that night at the Chateau Marmont when Nicole Richie walked by her and said, and we quote, "UCK!" Things got even worse when Drea de Matteo got right up in LiLo's face and said, "Come at me, bitch!" This must be especially galling since no one even knows who Drea de Matteo is. "I'm a fucking 22-year-old girl who's in love," Lindy told Us. "I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse—Mean Girls was a MOVIE." See that? The ability to distinguish real life from a movie is a major breakthrough. Nice work, Us Weekly! (Now can you please explain why our mother is such a bitch?)
THURSDAY, APRIL 9 Today Lindsay Lohan took the tiniest of baby steps to get her floundering movie career back on track, and had a nuclear device dropped on her for her trouble. When the New York Times asked former Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks what she thought about LiLo's attempts to buy the singer's life story, and portray her in a movie, Nicks' reaction was succinct. "Over my dead body," she snapped. "[Lindsay] needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we'll talk." OUCH. That's just as bad as Mean Girls—except Mean Girls is a movie, and Stevie Nicks is like The Golden Girls if they were all former cocaine addicts.
FRIDAY, APRIL 10 Phew. Now that Lindsay's break-up drama is finally over, maybe we can talk about a somewhat less ridiculous topic: PIRATES! Yes, they still exist—and they aren't the prancing, huggable, Johnny Depp kind, but Somali teenagers with automatic weapons! Earlier this week, pirates seized the cargo ship Maersk Alabama off the coast of Somalia. Captain Richard Phillips bravely (but stupidly) surrendered himself to save his crew—and when the pirates abandoned ship for one of the Alabama's covered lifeboats, they took Phillips with them! Reacting in a typically understated manner, the United States Navy sent the destroyer USS Bainbridge to the scene. "The result was tragicomic: the world's most powerful navy vs. a lifeboat," the New York Times noted. Calling their fellow pirates via satellite phone ("Will you accept the charges?" "Arrgh!"), the pirates ordered reinforcements... who, wisely, didn't show up.
SATURDAY, APRIL 11 "We are safe and we are not afraid of the Americans. We will defend ourselves if attacked," a Somali spokespirate growled at Reuters via satellite phone. He then cheerfully fed a Saltine cracker to the parrot on his shoulder, which added, "Skwawk! Defend ourselves if attacked! Tragicomic result! Skwawk!" MEANWHILE.... "SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH... IT'S COOL TO TALK SHIT WHEN YOU'RE RAPPING BUT NOT IN REAL LIFE. WHEN YOU MEET LITTLE WAYNE IN PERSON HE'S THE NICEST GUY FOR EXAMPLE..." rambled Kanye West on his blog after an episode of South Park skewered him. Kanye went on to whine, "AS LONG AS PEOPLE THINK I ACT LIKE A BITCH THIS TYPE OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO ME" and "I'M SURE THE WRITERS AT SOUTH PARK ARE REALLY NICE PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE." Then everyone stopped reading his boring blog and turned on CNN to see what Blackbeard & Co. were up to. Set your TiVo to record next week's South Park, which will viciously mock Kanye's inability to locate the "caps lock" key.
SUNDAY, APRIL 12 BAM! BAM! BAM! Take that, pirates! "It took only three remarkable shots," the New York Times reported, "one each by snipers firing from a distance at dusk, using night-vision scopes.... Within minutes, rescuers slid down ropes from the Bainbridge, climbed aboard the lifeboat and found the three pirates dead. They then untied Captain Phillips, ending the contretemps at sea that had riveted much of the world's attention." Okay, so we don't even know what "contretemps" means—we think it's some sort of birth control?—but hooray for America, boo for pirates, etc. OH, AND... Samantha Ronson already has a new girlfriend! SamRo was seen with "somewhat of a Lindsay look-alike, but with very dark hair" at a party on Friday night, according to the Chicago Sun-Times—which added that woman matching that description was "seen coming out of Ronson's Los Angeles home" this morning! MEANWHILE... Reports indicate that a crazed Lindsay Lohan, inexplicably wearing an eye patch, is currently harassing customers at a Los Angeles-area Red Lobster. More on this news as it develops.