KIM KARDASHIAN The world's primary producer of "selfies."

MONDAY, JULY 28

This week starts out like so many others, darlings—but patience! For on Wednesday, one of the greatest events to ever take place in the annals of One Day at a Time will occur. (And NO, you CAN'T skip directly to Wednesday! Read Monday and Tuesday's entries like civilized human beings.) First! England's the Daily Mail reports that narcissistic monster Kim Kardashian took what must be a record-breaking 1,200 selfies while she was in Thailand. There's really nothing else here to report, and this is NOTHING compared to what will happen on Wednesday—but in order to retain our copyright on hating Kim Kardashian, we are legally obligated to shit on her at least once a week. MEANWHILE... Today at the San Diego Comic-Con, actor Freddie Prinze Jr. called former 24 cast mate Kiefer Sutherland, "the most unprofessional dude in the world." And according to sources talking to TMZ, it was because Sutherland would show up to work drunk and disappear into his trailer, where he would make everyone wait around for him. Two questions: 1) WHO IS FREDDIE PRINZE JR.? And, 2) didn't he play Fred in the Scooby-Doo movies? Whatever, the point is that this story is merely foreplay for the SUPER exciting, best headline ever that will go down on Wednesday. (Are you getting hot yet?)

TUESDAY, JULY 29

A top-ranking North Korean military official said that his country was planning on nuking the White House, apparently because President Obama has been mean to them, or something. "If the US imperialists threaten our sovereignty and survival," said Hwang Pyong-so on national television... probably with a lisp, "our troops will fire our nuclear-armed rockets at the White House and the Pentagon—the sources of all evil." Uh-huh. Okay, that was fairly impressive, Mr. Hwang... and yet? STILL not as impressive as what's going to happen on Wednesday, a mere 24 hours from now. Better luck next time. MEANWHILE... Failed reformed abusive dickhole Chris Brown recently moved into a new six-bedroom mansion in the San Fernando Valley, and has already been throwing weekend-long ragers, according to TMZ. He's had a lot of problems with neighbors during his troubled past... but what does the new next-door neighbor say about Chris moving in? "It can be the devil. I can care less," the neighbor said flatly. "I don't care if they're having orgies. It can even be Saddam Hussein for all I care, as long as he doesn't trespass onto my property. If he does, I shoot him." OH, C'MON, NEIGHBOR. Hwang Pyong-so threatened a nuclear strike on the White House, and this is the best you can do to top the amazing news that will transpire on Wednesday? Step up your game, celebrities and celebrity neighbors!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30

Hurrah, it's Wednesday! The day we've been waiting for practically all of our gossip-telling lives! Everybody ready for the Most. Awesome. Headline. Of. All. Time? Here it is, courtesy of TMZ: "Orlando Bloom Throws Punch at Justin Bieber!" Whaaaaaaaa??? And, YESSSSSSSSSSSS! Apparently the two, along with many other celebs including Puff Daddy, Leo DiCaprio, and Paris Hilton, were in attendance at the Cipriani restaurant in Ibiza, and... where's Ibiza? Not important! Just focus on Orlando Bloom throwing a punch at Justin Bieber! So far there are two emerging theories about why this awesome thing occurred: Theory #1 is that Justin tried to shake Orlando's hand, which O refused because it's rumored that Biebs slept with his former wife/supermodel, Miranda Kerr. When Bieber tried to get himself out of the awkward situation, Orlando threw a punch and missed, but Bieber ran from the restaurant like a scared rabbit. Heh, heh, hehhh. Good theory! Theory #2: Orlando says "hi" to Bieber, who responded, "Oh, hi... I fucked your wife." PUNCH!! The only way this story could've been improved was if Orlando had connected and knocked the shit-eating grin off Bieber's douchebag face and to the other side of Ibiza. (We already told you... the location of Ibiza isn't important right now!)

THURSDAY, JULY 31

Nothing too interesting happened today (and yes, we're including you Gaza Strip, Syria, and Ebola virus), so let's get more juice from the (non) fight of the century between Justin Bieber and Orlando Bloom! The feud continued today on Instagram, when that little shit Justin posted a picture of Orlando, appearing to be weeping. This was soon deleted... and then replaced with a photo of Orlando's ex-wife Miranda Kerr (and possible former Bieber lover) in a bikini top... before it too was deleted. In other words, Justin Bieber is a scared little shit who can't even hide behind Instagram effectively. Grow some testicles, you little creep—and stay still, so Orlando can knock your lights out!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 1

Well, today's no Wednesday—but hey, at least three idiots in Hollyweird are about to make you feel terrible about yourself! Johnny Galecki, Jim Parsons, and Kaley Cuoco—the "stars" of the abhorrently obnoxious sitcom The Big Bang Theory—are now RICHER THAN GOD. Apparently so many nitwits watch The Big Bang Theory that when it came to renegotiating their contracts for the eighth (!), ninth (!!), and 10th (seriously, WTF) seasons of the show, Galecki, Parsons, and Cuoco each demanded $1 million an episode... and Deadline says they're getting it, along with "signing bonuses, production deals, and advances toward the back-end." (And no, Hubby Kip, that last part doesn't mean what you think it does.) All together, the deals more or less guarantee that between now and 2017, each of those clowns will make between $72 million and $90 million—and meanwhile, by the time 2017 rolls around? You'll still be trying to figure out which of your organs you can sell on the black market in order to afford a down payment on a rat-infested condo in Gresham! Good luck, sucker!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2

While they're no Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber (Bielando?), former pals/longtime enemies Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton have apparently made up while hanging out together in Ibiza. (DO NOT LOOK UP WHERE IT IS. IT DOESN'T MATTER.) "Long before she became the world's biggest reality star, Kardashian was Hilton's assistant during her time on the hit reality show The Simple Life, and the childhood pals were inseparable for years," Us helpfully reports. "But in 2008, the notoriously opinionated blonde mocked her pal's curvaceous backside in a radio interview, comparing it to 'cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.' Since then they haven't been spotted together." Until now, that is, where, among Ibiza's magical beaches (mountains? deserts? who knows), Kim and Paris Instagrammed a picture of themselves hugging and laughing. To answer your question, no, you can't see Orlando Bloom punching Justin Bieber in the background, which makes this whole story utterly useless. (Paris' line about cottage cheese, though? Pretty good!)

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3

Yesterday morning, 21-year-old Benjamin Nathan Lovitz was arrested by Portland police and "booked in the Multnomah County Jail on charges of second degree disorderly conduct and first degree trespassing," according to the Oregonian. His crime? Using the 270-foot-high cables of the Steel Bridge as a set of glorified tight ropes. Shockingly, Lovitz pulled off the stunt—at which point police "escorted him down to the main deck, then arrested him." And yet—despite this Legolas-like feat of skill and grace—at no point did he punch Justin Bieber. C'mon, Benjamin! Disappointing! AND FINALLY... Sharknado 2: The Second One star Tara Reid is cashing in on the insipid Sharknado phenomenon she's accidentally found herself in the midst of—by selling perfume! According to tarareid.com, Shark by Tara retails for $24.95 a bottle; not only is it "a complex scent with three different levels of notes that embrace our fresh, light, and fun feel," but it's also a "light and refreshing perfume perfect for day-to-day wear." Sadly, Shark by Tara is made from neither real sharks nor from Justin Bieber's tears.