MONDAY, APRIL 13 You will rarely—if ever—hear us say this again, so listen up: THREE CHEERS FOR LINDSAY LOHAN! Regular One Day readers remember last week's Lohan derailment, in which she got an unceremonious Heisman-style shove from longtime gal-pal Samantha Ronson—who also changed the locks on her doors and looked into getting a restraining order, BTW. Lindsay responded as most of us would, diving headfirst into a bottle of Grey Goose and giving morose interviews to Us Weekly, who tut-tutted at LiLo's bad fortune while proclaiming her to be on "suicide watch." However, instead of offing herself, shaving her head, or bashing an SUV with a golf umbrella, Lindsay pulled a very classy move (for her): starring in a fake eHarmony ad on the popular comedy website FunnyOrDie.com. "Hi, my name is Lindsay and I'm searching for love," she said in the phony ad for the very real dating site. "I'm recently single... I think? And I'm looking for someone I can spend the rest of my life with—or at least the rest of my probation." She went on to hilariously reference every controversy on her resume, including her nonstop partying, rehab stints, brawls with security guards, and possible bankruptcy. "I am not broke," she insisted. "I actually have over $400 in the bank... and 20,000 Marlboro miles, which I'm very proud of." Nice work, Linds! You may not handle every situation with grace or aplomb, but this time you have our respect. (Not that we're going to date you or anything. You're still nuts, you know.) MEANWHILE... Two things we didn't know: (1) Jamie Foxx has a Sirius satellite radio show called The Foxxhole, and (2) he really seems to dislike Miley Cyrus. For reasons that are still cloudy, Foxx used his public forum on Sunday to go off on the Hannah Montana star, advising her to, "Make a sex tape and grow up. Get like Britney Spears and do some heroin. Do like Lindsay Lohan and start seeing a lesbian and get some crack in your pipe. Catch Chlamydia on a bicycle seat." Hold on... in regard to catching Chlamydia on a bicycle seat... was he talking about us? Has he been speaking to our mom?
TUESDAY, APRIL 14 For those who have been waiting for Mel Gibson to pay for all those homophobic, Jew-hating remarks (as well as putting us through The Passion of the Christ)... well, how does $500 million sound? According to People, Mel and longtime wifey Robyn Gibson have filed to become residents of Splitsville—and whoopsy! Somebody forgot to file a prenup, which means the former Mrs. Drunky McAnti-Semite is entitled to half of Mel's $1 billion fortune. (That'll buy a lot of sugar tits.) MEANWHILE... In related "bad celebrity hubby" news, former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan was so upset by his ex-wife's money spending and philandering, he actually said the following to Rolling Stone: "I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat... I totally understand OJ. I get it." Bearing that disturbing image in mind, we now consider ourselves extremely lucky to have Hubby Kip, who usually only compares himself to Richard Dean Anderson from Stargate SG-1.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15 As you may have heard, sexy underpants manufacturer American Apparel was the subject of a $10 million lawsuit brought about by Woody Allen for using the director/actor's face on two of their billboards, claiming it damaged his reputation. Never one to take the normal path, AA has struck back, saying that it's impossible to ruin Allen's reputation since he already ruined it by marrying his adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn in 1997. (Almost forgot about that, didn'tcha?) AA lawyers have requested Allen turn over all documents pertaining to the scandal, including any "nude pictures you took of Soon-Yi Previn." (Look for these pictures in upcoming AA billboards, as soon as they figure out how to realistically Photoshop on some tube socks.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 16 In case you haven't heard, Tinsel Turd is turning into Twittersville, USA, with tons of celebs twattering back and forth. Naturally the king of the twats is professional twit Ashton Kutcher who actually campaigned this week to become the first member of Twitter to have over 1,000,000 followers. (Suck it, CNN and Jesus Christ!) Also joining the Twitter ranks was Oprah Winfrey, who devoted today's show to the social networking phenomenon, and posted her very first twat that read, "HI TWITTERS. THANK YOU FOR A WARM WELCOME. FEELING REALLY 21ST CENTURY." Her second twat was about her cocker spaniel, Sadie, who's currently suffering from a gastrointestinal tract disease. There, there, Sadie. Twitter makes us feel exactly the same way.
FRIDAY, APRIL 17 Yesterday was Suri Cruise's third birthday! According to People, she celebrated with "a small gathering of friends and family," ate a Beauty and the Beast-themed cake, and participated in a treasure hunt. "Alas, Suri's pathetic, half-formed 'toddler' associates were of no use in finding my Betazoid fire-emerald," party guest Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII griped afterward. "By the ninth moon of Xanth, worst... party... ever."
SATURDAY, APRIL 18 Want to own a piece of Oscar history? Here's your chance! "The father of Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali reportedly offered to sell his nine-year-old-daughter for nearly $300,000," claims Britain's News of the World. Rubina's impoverished father, Rafic Qureshi, denies the claims, insisting to People that while there was an offer to buy Rubina, he only feigned interest out of politeness. Rubina also weighed in, naïvely adding, "I trust my father. He loves me. He has never said that he wants to give me up." Wow. Let's file this under "The Most Depressing Story Ever." MEANWHILE... In totally unrelated news, Madonna was recently seen in an Indian slum, discreetly putting away her checkbook. MEANWHILE... In even more depressing news, the New York Times reports that "CIA interrogators used waterboarding, the near-drowning technique that top Obama administration officials have described as illegal torture, 266 times on two key prisoners from Al Qaeda—far more than had been previously reported." What's more, the formerly dreamy President Obama, for some reason, isn't doing anything about this. "There will be no investigation of who ordered the torture or carried it out," the Times continued. "If a Republican president tried to do this, people would be apoplectic," pointed out Philip Zelikow, a former aide in the Bush administration. UGH. So... depressing. Can't... finish... column. Against our better judgment, we're totes lying down, putting a cold washcloth on our face, and letting Hubby Kip finish this week's column. Good luck, dears.
SUNDAY, APRIL 19 Hey-o, everybody! It's Kip! So Annie's sick or something (Psst! Period!), so she said I could write whatever I wanted! I was gonna do something about how the Blazers totally fuckin' blew it last night, but then I read this awesome story! BRACE YOURSELVES! "Lindsay Lohan in Talks to Star in a Topless Las Vegas Strip Show!" Oh yeaaaaah! So Fox News says Lindsay Lohan was talking to Mel B. (who was a Spice Girl or something, not sure if you knew that, I didn't), who currently stars in some porno Vegas show, and Lindsay Lohan was all, "If they make me an offer, and the money's right, I'll do it." (And by "do it," I think we all know what she meant, right?) So who's up for a trip to good ol' V-E-G-A-S, huh? We'll fly down there cheap, split a room at Circus Circus, and I know this foreign cabbie dude who can totally hook us up with—oh, hey, babe! Feeling better? Another martini? Gotcha, babe. I am on it. Totally on it.
ATTENTION IMBECILES! Frank Cassano (author of the Mercury's much-beloved Imbecile Parade is now Twittering for the Mercury. Check out his daily rants at twitter.com/portlandmercury and may god help us all.