MONDAY, AUGUST 4
Welcome back to our continuing breathless coverage of the impending Jay-Z/Beyoncé Divorce-o-rama—which honestly might not happen at all, but since there's currently nothing more pressing to worry about, we're gonna "let it roll." According to Us magazine, music's number-one power couple may be all cozy-wozy, smoochy-moochy on stage and in their carefully staged Instagrams—but behind closed doors? Bey and Jay are as compatible as a peanut butter and chalk sandwich. "They stayed separately in both New York and LA for several nights [during their joint On the Run tour]," says one so-called pal of the rapper. Meanwhile, a "real estate insider" gabs that Beyoncé has been looking at apartments ALONE in New York's trendy Chelsea neighborhood. "There was no Jay-Z in sight," said Gabby McSnoopypants. MEANWHILE, IN A SEEMINGLY UNRELATED STORY... At Saturday night's Beyoncé/Jay-Z "Shhh! Divorce! Tour 2014" performance in Pasadena, a man accused of groping a woman in the audience got into a fistfight with the lady's boyfriend—which ended with the alleged groper biting off the end of the boyfriend's finger. Apparently the groper wanted to make sure this "Single Lady" will never "put a ring on it." (And so ends Monday's entry, as well as one of the most strained jokes we've attempted in quite some time. Sorrrreeeee!)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 5
Remember when Justin Bieber had to give a deposition in the "Case of the Swoop-Haired Douchebag Who Egged His Neighbor's House"? And remember how he was a complete sarcastic dick during the entire thing? Well, once again he's been one-upped by his superior in all things, Kanye West. According to TMZ, Yeezy was called to testify before lawyers after allegedly assaulting a paparazzo and smashing his camera—and lucky for the world, the deposition has become public. Here are just a few of those OH-so-juicy "Kanye Kwotes!" When Nate Goldberg, the attorney for the photog, began to grill Kanye, the rapper issued the following reminder: "I'm the smartest celebrity you've ever fucking dealt with. I'm not Britney Spears." BOOM! (Sorry, Brit... but he's right.) He then went on to say, "I'm in the business of trying to make dope shit for the world. You're in the business of representing scums and trying to make as much money as long as there's this lapse in the law." BOOM! (Sorry, lawyers... but he's right.) And when Goldberg asked Kanye where he lived, he sarcastically responded, "Earth." BOOM? (Sorry, Kanye... but we don't think so.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
We've heard rumors that actress Charlize Theron is a Hollywood monster of monstrous (but not Kardashian) proportions. However, we've never had proof... until now! In Touch Weekly recently reported a run-in between the major film star and barely remembered TV celeb Tia Mowry (of ABC's 1994 sitcom Sister, Sister) at LA's posh SoulCycle spinning class. Apparently Tia spotted Charlize and stopped to say "hi." Charlize reportedly responded to this grave insult by "rolling her eyes" and moaning, "Oh GOD." Tia informed In Touch of this slight, and as a result? Charlize is on the warpath! Gossip site Dish Nation says that after seeing the article, Charlize went absolutely BANANNERS and stomped straight over to SoulCycle management. According to an insider, "[Charlize] demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back." She then allegedly screeched to the owners, "This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me, but I can't expect you to protect me from hangers-on in your studio?" No word yet on whether SoulCycle management has caved to the actress' insane demands, but her point has been made: One Day at a Time will never ignore you again, Charlize!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 7
It's Thursday! Which means it's just about time for Kim Kardashian to purchase a human life. On the latest episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim expressed interest in buying—okay fine, "adopting"—a 12-year-old girl named "Pink" that she met in a Thailand orphanage. "I literally cannot stop thinking about her," said the idiot who doesn't know how to correctly use the word "literally" to monster mom Kris Jenner. "I told Kanye, 'Honestly, this girl is so sweet and cute, I would totally adopt her." Then... the impossible happened: Kris Jenner said something that actually made sense. "That's a little aggressive," Kris responded. "You can't just go to an orphanage and fall in love with a child and then take them home like you're shopping. I bet there are other things you could do that would make all the difference in this little girl's life." What?? Please, Kris! Never utter another word as long as you live! This is the way the world wants to remember you!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 8
Portland's hilariously fair-weather sports fans (which sport are you pretending to care about right now, dears? Soccer, right?) are due for yet another disappointment—this one having to do with good ol' Greg Oden, Portland's 2007 NBA draft pick and Blessed Savior of Basketball... who promptly confused "saving the Trail Blazers" with "getting ouchies all the time" and hasn't been heard from since. Well, until now: TMZ reports that this week, Oden was arrested for the classiest of all crimes: allegedly punching his former girlfriend in the face while at his mother's home in Lawrence, Indiana. Hey, remember when Portlanders wouldn't stop slathering Oden's face all over everything that would hold still for two seconds? Good times, good times. MEANWHILE... Hubby Kip has just about finished duct-taping all of Casa Romano's doors, windows, and air vents, and his next move is to make us wear face masks all the time and never leave the bathtub, which he has filled with Purell. Alas, it's not quite as sexy as it seems, dears—Kip's just terrified of Ebola. And the news isn't helping! "It is certainly possible that we could have ill people in the US who develop Ebola after having been exposed to it elsewhere," said Tom Frieden, head of the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "But we are confident that there will not be a large Ebola outbreak in the US." Hear that, Kip? Everything's going to be fine. And yes, we'll get in the tub with you, so long as you stop making us watch Contagion every night.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 9
Today in news we feel inexplicably obligated to report: Miley Cyrus has a pet piglet. It is named Bubba Sue. The hard-hitting journos at Us got the scoop, by which we mean "looked at Instagram." "In one picture the 'Wrecking Ball' singer puckered up to kiss her new tiny pig on the snout while wearing a Bob Marley T-shirt," Us giddily notes. Let it be known that we're currently accepting bets on when, exactly, MyCy will be dressing up Bubba Sue and making her twerk on various other farmyard animals. (Or Robin Thicke. Same diff.)
SUNDAY, AUGUST 10
Did we just make fun of Kim Kardashian for not knowing how to use words? Well, we take it back... because she's putting out a book! Actually, no, we aren't taking it back—because (A) we'll never take back anything mean we say about Kim Kardashian, and (B) it's a book of photographs. Oh, you didn't know she was a photographer? You haven't heard the name "Kim Kardashian" intoned with the same reverent adulation as Ansel Adams and Dorothea Lange? Perhaps we should clarify: Kim Kardashian's book will come out in 2015, will cost $19.95, will be titled Kim Kardashian Selfish, and will literally consist of Kim Kardashian's very best selfies. Forget Amazon, everybody: This is the death knell of book publishing. Oh well! Books: They were nice while they lasted.