MONDAY, APRIL 27 First of all, we're calling it "swine flu," okay? We're not calling it "swine, avian, and human flu" or "H1N1" (which totes reads like "heinie flu"). The way we see it, we would never die of anything with such an ignoble name, so "swine flu" it is. However, that's not going to stop the American public from panicking about it, or the national media from helping spread said panic. As of press time, there are roughly 286 possible cases of swine flu around the US, though we strongly suspect that many these people are actually suffering from normal paranoid dumbass flu (which unfortunately rarely kills anyone). Naturally many of victims of the dumbass flu outbreak are centrally located in Hollyweird, and include California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger who declared a state of emergency today after being stupidly swept up in the hysteria. Hilariously, after declaring a state of emergency, Schwarzy's office added that "there was no need for alarm...." So then maybe next time, they should declare "a state of concern" instead? MEANWHILE... Not only did the "swine flu" epidemic very nearly ruin Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's (from The Hills) Mexican honeymoon, but apparently the disease now carries a new symptom, making these two even more racist than before. According to Ryan Seacrest's radio show—does this guy even nap?—Heidi and Spencer were supposedly forced to wear surgical facemasks during their Cabo honeymoon (though we would request a hazmat suit if asked to touch Spencer), and then had their vacation cut short by the flu. Said Heidi on her Twatter account, "So sad to leave Mexico [but] ready to get out of pig flu country!" Umm... first, it's not "pig flu," Heidi. Secondly, people who live in pig countries (and marry its inhabitants) shouldn't throw stones.
TUESDAY, APRIL 28 Speaking of California pig people, the piggish Miss California Carrie Prejean is continuing her 2009 homophobe tour. As you may recall, Prejean spoke out against same-sex marriage during the Miss USA pageant, and announced today that she is joining forces with the gay panicky members of the National Organization for Marriage to help "protect traditional marriages." Prejean told NBC's Today show that, "marriage is something that is very dear to my heart," and that she intends to help "save it." Because as we all know, whenever a gay couple marries, God punishes a straight married couple with infidelity, spousal abuse, or encourages the husband to kill everyone in the family before committing suicide. It's kind of the opposite of "giving an angel its wings" in It's a Wonderful Life. MEANWHILE... If Carrie Prejean is going to act like that, we're going to act like this: HER BOOBS ARE FAKE. The Miss California Organization has admitted to paying for Prejean's boob augmentation before the Miss USA pageant. Maybe next time they can afford to get her sense of decency augmented too?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29 Apparently the GOP is showing symptoms of the swine flu as well, because five-term Republican Senator Arlen Specter strapped on his facemask and ran into the open arms of the Democrats today. And while he admittedly switched parties because he was facing an unwinnable election in 2010, Democrats like President Obama and Veep Joe Biden couldn't care less; Specter's jump gives the Dems a filibuster-proof Senate as soon as Minnesota Senator Al Franken takes office. Wow. Creepy backroom politics seem so much less creepy when our side is doing it. So THIS is how the Republicans have felt for all these years!
THURSDAY, APRIL 30 If you recall, professional hillbilly Billy Ray Cyrus got his shorts in a knot when comedian Jamie Foxx recently advised teen queen Miley Cyrus to catch "Chlamydia on a bicycle seat." (Don't ask.) That's why it seems a bit hypocritical that Papa Cyrus has offered to send 16-year-old Miley and her 20-year-old boyfriend off on an all- expense paid, romantic relationship-mending Hawaiian vacation. We kind of don't recall our dad ever offering us this sort of deal. Apparently Miley is totes over her current b-friend Justin Gaston who has been "cramping her lifestyle" according to the Enquirer, but daddy Cyrus loooooves him so much, and thinks "Justin is a solid, stand-up Christian guy who keeps his nose clean and stays out of trouble." Okay. Who, besides ourselves, is now convinced that this Justin character is probably a serial killer? WE DO NOT TRUST HIM AT ALL. So Miley, if your dad is sooooooo in love with Justin, those two can take the romantic trip to Hawaii, and you can spend your time looking for a non-Christian, lie-down guy with a dirty nose, and absolutely no intention of going on a serial killing spree. Trust us now, thank us later.
FRIDAY, MAY 1 Sometimes celebrities just... exist. We're not sure why they exist, exactly, but they do. Case in point: Denise Richards. Today, the former "actress" and reality TV star attempted to remind people that she was still alive, and did so by singing "Take Me out to the Ball Game" at a Chicago Cubs game. Now, print media being what it is, we can't do justice to the unholy caterwaul that resulted, but we'll give it a try: "TAAAYAYAYACK MEEE OOUT TO THEE BALL GAAAAAME, TAAAAYAYAYAK ME OUT WITH THEE CROOOOOOWDDD, BUYYYYE MEEEE SOME PEEEE-NUTS AND CRACKER-JAAAAACCCCCK, I DON'T CARE IF I NEVER GET BA—" Okay, that's enough. When Richards was interviewed afterward by the Palm Beach Post, she was at least honest about it, describing her performance as "horrifying." "I'm not a singer, and then to be in the front of all those people is a little terrifying," she said. Denise, dear? Next time you're desperately looking for attention, we'd all appreciate it if you thought about this sort of thing ahead of time, honey.
SATURDAY, MAY 2 David "Ol' Drunky" Hasselhoff has still got it! "The Hoff nearly off'd himself this time!" cracked Radaronline.com, reporting that Hasselhoff was "rushed to Los Angeles' Cedars-Sinai Medical Center Saturday after his distraught daughter Hayley, 16, found him unconscious on the floor of his home.... This time the vodka-guzzling America's Got Talent judge registered a staggering .39 [percent] alcohol level." Well, what else is new, Radaronline? As if that's even news anymo—HOLD ON! WAIT A MINUTE... "David's ex, Pamela Bach, is on the warpath and her story just doesn't ring true," TMZ.com shouted in response, insisting that Bach is spreading untrue rumors about the Hoff's boozing. According to TMZ, Hasselhoff just wasn't "feeling well," and his illness, combined with a few drinks, "made a trip the hospital prudent." IN RELATED NEWS... David Hasselhoff is finding his new position as CEO of TMZ.com to be "Quite *hic* shmatishfact'ry, an' shmanks for ashkin', shweet tits."
SUNDAY, MAY 3 "Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother," Transformers star/professional car crasher Shia LaBeouf recently told Playboy. "She's an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds." HOLD ON! DON'T STOP READING! (IT GETS WORSE.) "The nudity was weird," LaBeouf continued, recalling growing up with his hippie of a mom. "You've got your little buds over, and Mom's like, playing naked connect the dots or whatever. She's in the middle of 'goddess-group time,' where it's literally a bunch of naked women tracing auras around one another's bodies with incense and then sitting together and humming." Okay: Shudder. And keep in mind, that's from someone who's been known to play naked connect the dots once or twice! (Ooh, that reminds us: blind item! Which goateed '80s Hollyweird actor has moles on his back that, with a quick line of lipstick, totally make Wilford Brimley's face?)