JESSE HELT One Day at a Time's "Hero of the Week."
JESSE HELT Responsible for helping keep Miley Cyrus' tongue in her mouth.

MONDAY, AUGUST 25

At last night's MTV Video Music Awards, Miley Cyrus temporarily put her twerk on hold and retracted her abnormally extended tongue to allow Jesse Helt, a 22-year-old homeless man from Salem, Oregon, to accept her award for video of the year. After asking the audience to remember the 54,000 homeless people currently on the streets of LA County, Jesse also asked for donations to My Friend's Place—a nonprofit that helps young people from the ages of 12 to 25 find aid and housing. According to My Friend's Place, as of Monday afternoon, they had already raised a very respectable $200,000. That's a win for the homeless, Miley Cyrus' terrible reputation, and Jesse Helt, right? Well, proving once again that no good deed goes unpunished, multiple outlets reported today that Jesse is wanted by police in the Salem area, for—according to court documents—probation violation. Apparently Jesse was found guilty of criminal trespassing and mischief, put on probation, and is now a wanted man for failing to complete community service hours, refusing to take a drug test, and missing curfew, among other minor infractions. Wait. SERIOUSLY? This kid helped raise hundreds of thousands of dollars for the homeless, and cops want him behind bars for missing his curfew? Guys! It's because of Jesse Helt that Miley Cyrus kept her bottom in her seat and her tongue in her mouth. That young man is a HERO, and as far as we're concerned? His record is cleared.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26

Well, well, well, what have we here? According to the couple's spokesperson, the home-wrecking Angelina Jolie secretly married handsome cheater Brad Pitt this Saturday in a friends 'n' family ceremony in (ooh-la-la!) France. But before jumping to congratulations, let's take a quick trip down memory lane, shall we? As you may recall, the pair met and started a clandestine affair on the set of their 2005 movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith—while Pitt was still married to poor, horse-faced, and soon-to-be heart-crushed Jennifer Aniston. It's been roughly nine years since their illicit affair began, and since then, they've had three kids and adopted three more—all without getting married. Why? Because, according to Brad, the two agreed to never marry until same-sex couples were allowed to legally wed as well. That, dear friends, is HORSE SHIT. Nice try, B&A, but it's obvious they were just waiting for Jen to get remarried so they wouldn't have to feel like the terrible people they are. Unfortunately, finding someone willing to marry Jennifer Aniston is like finding a needle in a haystack full of very similar needles, so they probably figured that, by now, everyone had forgotten about how they treated poor, horse-faced Jen, and could sneak off to get married without anyone being the wiser. Well, you didn't take US into account did you, Angie and Brad? Because the day you fucked over Jennifer Aniston was the gossip world's 9/11—and trust us when we say this, you lying, cheating pieces of shit... WE WILL NEVER FORGET. (Have a joyous marriage.)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27

Oh, so not only did cheating pieces of shit Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get secretly married over the weekend—most assuredly causing poor Jennifer Aniston to stomp her hooves in fury—now they're also appearing in a movie together... their first since the infamous Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It's called By the Sea, which will be written and directed by Jolie (UNNGHHH!), and according to Us magazine, will feature the two in "crazy sex scenes" and (BLAM!)... what's that sound? (BLAM! BLAM!) Oh dear god... it's Jennifer Aniston... kicking down the door of her stall! (BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!) Everybody! Run for your lives! Except for Brad and Angelina... maybe you guys should go investigate?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 28

Even the most casual observer will agree that the world is currently going to heck in a hand basket. What with racial unrest in Ferguson, Russia creeping into Ukraine, brewing tension between Israel and Hamas, and the murdering terrorists of the Islamic State (ISIS) in Iraq and Syria. So what did the internet flip out about today? President Obama wore a beige suit to a press conference. Though the president was supposedly explaining his strategy for dealing with Syria, no one really cared or heard what he was saying because they were too busy insulting his clothing choice on Twitter. "President Obama is here to sell you tornado insurance," said one. "Yes We Tan," said another. "You are not the president of Sears," quipped Esquire, who populate their magazine with idiotic clothing every month, so they should shut up. But the most appropriate twatter was this one: "BREAKING: President Obama wears tan suit to press conference, internet expresses outrage while wearing pajamas on the couch." Too true.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29

Yet again, 4chan and Reddit—the broken toilets of the internet—have gurgled and shook and shuddered and spewed forth something hideous: illegally acquired nude photographs that show a veritable who's who of female celebrities in intimate situations, including Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lea Michele, Kirsten Dunst, and many, many more. "The group of posters sharing, speculating on, and celebrating the invasion of the women's privacy began gathering on 4chan but coalesced Monday on a subreddit called the Fappening, where hundreds of Redditors have taken to posting and commenting on all of the pictures, gifs, video screengrabs, and intel they've collected, and tens of thousands more stood by as viewers," BuzzFeed News reported. (The private images were likely acquired by hacking Apple's iCloud storage service—which is probably where all of your naked selfies are, too.) "This is obviously an outrageous violation of our client Kate Upton's privacy," attorney Lawrence Shire told Us. "We intend to pursue anyone disseminating or duplicating these illegally obtained images to the fullest extent possible." Jennifer Lawrence's spokesperson also vowed vengeance, promising "authorities have been contacted and will prosecute anyone who posts the stolen photos of Jennifer Lawrence," while Kirsten Dunst replied to the situation herself, tweeting "Thank you iCloud" along with emoji of a pizza slice and a pile of poop. (Well said, Kirsten.) So: Here we have yet another example of humanity at its skeeviest, and maybe we should just consider turning off the internet forever? Or, barring that, starting to treat women with a tiny bit more respect? (Yeah. Probably more realistic to just turn off the internet forever.) MEANWHILE... Surprising no one, Hubby Kip has locked himself in the basement with his iPad. Ladies and gentlemen: humanity at it skeeviest.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30

Canada's worst export, Justin Bieber, has now taken his international tour of terrorism to Southwestern Ontario's rural Perth East township, where he was involved in a (wait for it...) collision between an ATV and a minivan. (Oh, Canada.) "The driver of the ATV and an occupant of the minivan engaged in a physical altercation," Canadian police said, while the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation pointed out a damning detail: That over the weekend, Bieber and Selena Gomez were seen "riding on an ATV near Stratford. The township of Perth East is located nearby." (GUILTY! HE'S GUILTY! GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY! Where's our gavel? Wait, do Canadian judges even use gavels? Wait—does Canada even have judges? Isn't Canadian justice just meted out by slightly less-than-polite mounties?) "Bieber has faced numerous legal issues on both sides of the border lately," the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation politely added, citing his $80,900 fine and two years of probation for egging his neighbor's house in California and his mandatory anger management course and $50,000 charitable donation following his racing in a rental car. Okay, dears—quick! This is our chance! While he's still in Canada, let's build a wall! A big Game of Thrones-style ice wall that seals off the north! It's the only chance we have of keeping Bieber from returning.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 31

Huh, that's weird—usually, those in the federal government are the ones snooping through our emails, texts, pictures, and phone records! But apparently they're big Hunger Games fans too, because they're furious at the hackers who posted all those naked pictures! "The FBI is aware of the allegations concerning computer intrusions and the unlawful release of material involving high-profile individuals, and it's addressing the matter," said FBI spokeswoman Laura Eimiller. (The sarcastic laughing you hear coming from an unspecified location in Russia may or may not be Edward Snowden.) MEANWHILE... Okay, so we might have lied to Hubby Kip and told him the FBI is searching for anyone who even looked at the pictures—and that no, it didn't matter that he "at least felt guilty about it." IN RELATED NEWS... Hubby Kip is now refusing to leave the house unless he's wearing Groucho Marx glasses. We have no intention of telling him he can stop. It's pretty much the very least that he deserves.