MONDAY, MAY 4 As a general rule, it's never a good idea to piss off the gays. Why? Because (1) the gays have TONS of friends in the media (ourselves included), and (2) if you make them mad, the gays and their gay-loving friends will investigate you and reveal your breast augmentation, and your previously taken semi-nudie photos. By now you've probably guessed we're talking about Miss California Carrie Prejean, who unwisely made her ignorant thoughts about same-sex marriage loudly known during the Miss USA pageant. As reported last week, the Miss California Organization (MCO) revealed they paid for Prejean's breast augmentation before the pageant (because nothing distracts from an ugly personality like huge boobs). Today it was revealed that the holier-than-everybody Christian Carrie Prejean once posed for sexy semi-nude photos AFTER the MCO had paid for the boob job—a direct violation of the Miss California USA contract. Will she have her crown removed? Stay tuned (and hope that after yanking the crown they scoop out the homophobic part of her brain). MEANWHILE... If you're wondering what Prejean has against the gays in the first place, has provided a clue by digging up documents surrounding her parents' very ugly divorce. Apparently Carrie's parents were fond of hurling negative homosexual allegations at each other, including mom accusing dad, in front of the kids, of being gay, and dad claiming that Carrie's stepdad was obviously flaming because, "all men with mustaches are gay." OH WOW. But before you start feeling sorry for poor Carrie and her mentally unstable childhood, just remember how screwed up your parents are. And last time we checked you're not actively positioning yourself to be the homophobes' poster girl/masturbation aid.

TUESDAY, MAY 5 General rule #2: It's not always a good idea to head butt a fashion designer in the nose. (Don't worry, Miss California—you're not to blame this time! It was actor Kiefer Sutherland!) In one of the weirder Hollyweird dust-ups of the week, Sutherland stands accused of ramming his head into the nose of Jack McCullough, presumably because the designer either inappropriately touched or bumped into Brooke Shields. (Wait... what?) Sutherland was reportedly drunk, and earlier in the evening had been "running around wearing a giant feather boa and acting totally crazy," according to a spy on the scene. After the bump/inappropriate touch, Sutherland approached the designer and ordered him to apologize. When he wouldn't, shoves were exchanged, and Sutherland slammed his forehead into McCullough's snoot, to the horror of onlookers including Mary-Kate Olsen and Kirsten Dunst (who should be used to seeing horrifying things by now, if they've looked in a mirror lately). Buuuurrrrnnn! DON'T HEADBUTT US!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 6 Need another general rule? Sure, why not? If you're Oprah, it's generally never a good idea to ever associate yourself with chicken. Nevertheless, that's exactly what Oprah did today after giving away free KFC coupons on her web-site to all her fans (of which she has a few). Now besides the moral implications of providing fatty fast food to her possibly already morbidly obese fanbase, apparently her coupon giveaway caused something of a mini-riot at certain KFC locations. Overwhelmed by hundreds of customers screaming for free chicken, the manager of NYC's 42nd Street franchise stopped honoring the coupons with somewhat dire results. According to Gothamist, a person on the scene reported, "The people there are currently holding a sit-in and are refusing to leave until they get their free chicken... or the cops are called. Racial epithets were being spewed, people who actually wanted to pay for chicken were facing a potential beatdown, and the manager ran from the screaming horde. Oprah, what have ye wrought?" Unfortunately, Oprah was unable to respond because she was busy lounging in a Jacuzzi filled with fried chicken and laughing maniacally. MEANWHILE... OH! And happy birthday, George Clooney!

THURSDAY, MAY 7 So now we're starting to think that Lindsay Lohan might be a vampire. It would certainly explain her wild mood swings and aversion to sunlight. This week Lindsay dropped in at lesborific former gal pal Samantha Ronson's pad at around 2 am to have their weekly screaming match. At 4 am she was heard bashing things around and screeching, "WHY COULDN'T YOU BE THERE FOR ME??" But within 30 minutes it was over, and she was all smiles upon leaving SamRo's sarcophagus. Wait... THIS JUST IN! Lilo was spotted again at midnight at the Roosevelt Hotel cozying up to actor/known vampire Jared Leto! Oh sweet god... they're starting a coven!

FRIDAY MAY 8 So okay, Barbara Streisand might have terrible taste in plastic surgeons [see Letters, pg. 3], but she sure knows how to hire good help! Today Streisand's receptionist, Tina Fortenberry, was pulled over for driving with expired tags—but when cops took a closer look inside the car, they found cocaine, methamphetamines, and a "sap," which trusty ol' Wikipedia describes as a "small, easily concealed club." Cops arrested Fortenberry for all of the above, plus driving with a suspended license. Meanwhile, Babs was reportedly put out by the whole affair: reports that Fortenberry was "carrying some mail for Babs that she was supposed to take to the post office," meaning someone else had to go pick up the mail at the jail. (Confidential to a certain back-alley plastic surgeon in East LA: After a slight delay, rest assured that the check's in the mail, for the full amount of $19.95.)

SATURDAY MAY 9 "I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson, who I have nothing against," professional Transformers hussy Megan Fox recently told Esquire. "I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard." Oooh, snap, ScarJo! Take that! And if that wasn't catty enough, Fox went on to scratch up Zac Efron's tween flick High School Musical. "Let me tell you what it's really about," Fox said. "High School Musical is about this group of boys who are all being molested by the basketball coach, who is Zac Efron's dad. It's about them struggling to cope with this molestation. And they have these little girlfriends, who are their beards. Oh, and somehow there's music involved. You have to get stoned and watch it." Wow. Going after Scarlett and Zac in a single interview? Kudos, dear, kudos. Very impressive. We'll be keeping our eyes on you. (Unfortunately, so will Hubby Kip.)

SUNDAY MAY 10 Not much happened today, other than 900-year-old comedienne Joan Rivers (who we're pretty sure shares a plastic surgeon with Barbra Streisand) inexplicably beating poker player Annie Duke for the top spot in Donald Trump's reality show The Celebrity ApprentWAIT! WAIT! STOP THE PRESSES! OMG, is Lindsay Lohan pregnant?! So claims heretofore-unknown gossip blogger Ian Halperin, who claims that he "just learned from a close source in LiLo's camp that the out-of-control actress is seven weeks preggo." "I swear she's carrying," Halperin's source claims. "She's going through big emotional turmoil. She's not sure if she'll have it or go through with an abortion that she booked to have in the next few days. Saddest part is, she has no idea who the father is. She must have slept with more than two dozen men in the past couple of months." You know, dears, sometimes, as a gossip columnist, one has to admit that there's simply nothing to add—no wisecracks, no snide jokes, no sarcastic quips, no Megan Fox-worthy insults. No, sometimes a story is complete, whole—a thing of beauty unto itself. That's what we have here, dears, so with that, we'll bid you adieu 'til next week.