ANGELINA JOLIE Crayola Crayons: Proud sponsor of Angie and Brad's wedding.
ANGELINA JOLIE Adorable dress! Too bad you broke Jennifer Aniston's HEART!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1

As reported last week, cheating homewreckers Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got secretly married in France a couple of weekends ago, probably thinking we'd all forgotten about how they permanently ruined poor Jennifer Aniston's life. (Spoiler alert: WE HAVEN'T.) Today People and Hello! paid the couple $5 million to publish Brangelina's boring wedding photos in their boring magazines. The good news? B&A gave that money to charity. The bad news (for them)? We still think they are lying, cheating pieces of shit. BUT! Let's put that aside for the moment to ruthlessly critique Angie's wedding dress. As you may have heard, Angie's oh-so-fancy pal Donatella Versace designed the white silk-satin gown—which was then covered with crayon drawings by Brangelina's six kids. At first blush, you may be tempted to say, "Awwwww! Too cute!" And it is a cute idea... until you realize you're walking up the aisle wearing a crayon-scribbled tablecloth from the Old Spaghetti Factory. (Extra points for the kid who wrote, "My real mom is Jennifer.") MEANWHILE... Speaking of pieces of shit, singer and judge for The Voice, CeeLo Green, really stuck his foot in his Twatter machine when he tried to defend himself against a rape charge by unsuccessfully attempting to define what rape is. (Uh-oh. You're right in thinking this will never go well.) Long story short, CeeLo pleaded no contest to charges of slipping Ecstasy to a woman in 2012 without her consent. Though rape charges were eventually dropped (Green's lawyers maintain the sex was consensual), CeeLo unsuccessfully tried to defend himself on Twatter saying, "Women who have really been raped REMEMBER!!" Before apologizing and deleting his entire account due to internet-wide outrage, he added, "If someone is passed out they're not even WITH you consciously! So WITH implies consent." Unnggghhh. CeeLo, in the words of your most famous song, "Fuck You," too.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2

The most humorless person in the world, Kanye West, defended his title last weekend by launching into another one of his world-famous lengthy concert rants—this time going after SNL's Jay Pharoah for his dead-on Kanye sketch performed at the VMAs. "[Comedians] want to make a joke out of how hard we work," West told the crowd, who really didn't pay for a lecture. "It's fine and all, funny and everything, but don't distract from our vision." (His vision of boring the shit out of an audience? Eyeroll. Continue.) "I called Jay Pharoah right after the MTV Awards," Kanye crowed. "I said, 'I appreciate your show, but let me tell you about my story. Let me tell you about what I went through to get to that position.'" It was at this point that Pharoah quietly laid down the phone, and spent the next 20 minutes making and eating a sandwich in the next room. (C'mon, Jay... most people have to buy expensive concert tickets for a lecture you were getting for free!)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3

Sometimes Miley Cyrus gives pretty good advice. It's true! Take for example her recent interview on Australian TV, where she was asked about her dope-smoking habits, in which she replied, "You know what hurts your brain? Googling yourself. You know what hurts your brain? Instagram. You know what hurts your brain? Reading comments on Facebook. You know what hurts your brain? Reading Us Weekly." That is all true! Not only has science backed up her claims—there are studies that indicate social media can lead to feelings of narcissism or depression—it's also a scientific fact that Us Weekly is a terrible source of gossip, and isn't funny at all. So take it from Miley Cyrus, and continue reading One Day at a Time: It does a brain good!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 4

Today the world of comedy lost one of its true pioneer geniuses: The irreplaceable Joan Rivers died at the age of 81. A week ago, Joan was admitted into New York's Mt. Sinai Hospital, and after complications with surgery on her throat, was placed into a medically induced coma. She never recovered. Her biography is far too lengthy and varied to repeat here—but you'd be hard pressed to find another working comedian (young or old, man or woman) who pushed the comedic envelope as far and as unapologetically as Joan Rivers. Her celebrity barbs were hilariously profane—and even when her jokes scooted past the boundaries of public acceptance, she accepted the criticism boldly and without remorse. Today we lost a major influence for this column (and untold numbers of female comedians), and trust us when we say she will be heart-brokenly missed, and we'll do our best to pick up and carry her torch.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5

The world is a complicated, terrifying place—a place where there are no clear answers, where "morality" is a concept that's constantly in flux an—WAIT JUST A MINUTE! That's how the world used to be... before Sherlock fixed everything! Sherlock himself, Benedict Cumberbatch, recently gave an interview to the Daily Beast in which he did what no one else on Earth has managed: He figured out ISIS! Hey, thanks, Sherlock! "The usual means of showing your prowess and strength just won't work with this," Cumberbatch advised when asked about the Islamic State. "You can't kill an idea with bombs—in fact, you often strengthen ideas with bombs. To really understand [ISIS] is how we're going to be able to start combating it, and changing it." After a long, awkward moment of silence, Cumberbatch then rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine. And due to my creepily obsessive powers of observation, I've correctly deduced that Moriarty is the dastardly villain behind ISIS! We should have known it was that fiend all along! Sigh." There you go, Sherlock. That's better. MEANWHILE... America's Favorite Gay™, Neil Patrick Harris, is now married to his longtime partner David Burtka. The two tied the knot in Italy this weekend (the Harlem-based couple, parents of two, had held off on getting married until the Marriage Equality Act passed in New York). This has been your reminder that despite horrible things like, say, ISIS, or the fact that Kardashian genes have yet to become extinct, there's still some stuff in this world that's pretty great.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6

And then there's some stuff that's awful. Like Matt Lauer! Urrgh! Booo! Matt Lauer is THE WORST! Need proof? Page Six reports that in Lauer's most recent contract negotiations with NBC, the Today host got the network to agree to pay for his helicopter commutes between Manhattan and his $15 million, 40-acre home in the Hamptons. Page Six notes that in addition to Lauer's $20 million annual salary, he'll get to fly home and back "up to three times a week" instead of driving like us plebes. (Lauer, for his part, insists his life is "painfully normal" and that the Hamptons are "very much small-town America.") Please keep in mind that Lauer's job consists entirely of (1) introducing Al Roker, (2) pretending to be interested in whatever terrible concerts Today is putting on, and (3) sometimes getting shouted at by Tom Cruise. But really, who doesn't sometimes get shouted at by Tom Cruise? Nobody, that's who! We can't even count how many times that's happened to us—and we aren't even including all the times Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII got involved! So where's our helicopter commute to our painfully normal house in the Hamptons? Well, NBC? Well?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 7

Just when you think Gwyneth Paltrow has become as unlikeable as possible (she makes that Lauer guy look like an amateur), she goes above and so, so beyond. This week, Paltrow's insufferable lifestyle website Goop featured a step-by-step tutorial on "Making the Perfect Bed." Paltrow's four steps boast a treasure trove of valuable tips for anyone who's never seen a bed before, and there are all sorts of thrilling bed-making discoveries Paltrow appears to have just made—like being sure to put on the "Fitted sheet first," then placing "the flat sheet on next, squaring it evenly." Oh! So that's how you do it! There are a few surprises in there ("Place whatever blanket you are going to use over the fitted sheet and square it") and even a part about—wait for it—duvet covers ("For a duvet, place the cover on right out of the dryer and shake it out. Pull all four corners taut"). From us ordinary mortals to you, Gwyneth: Thank you. Thank you so, so much, for finally teaching us how to make our beds. We can't even think of what we did before you came along. We think it was called the Dark Ages.