RAY RICE Which hurts worse: Being knocked unconscious, or getting slapped on the wrist?
KANYE WEST Hates discrimination so much, he forces disabled people to stand.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 8

Ordinarily we despise the sport of football, but it does have its upsides: For example, it keeps Hubby Kip safely secured in his idiotic "man cave" for most of the fall. However, here's where the downside of the sport's violence outweighs the good. Today Baltimore Raven running back Ray Rice was kicked off his team after TMZ Sports released a surveillance video of Rice knocking his future wife, Janay Palmer, unconscious in an Atlantic City hotel elevator, and then dragging her body onto the casino floor. The attack happened in February, and the AP says the NFL received a copy of the tape in April—which is important, because at the time, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell only gave Rice a paltry two-game suspension. Today Goodell furiously backpedaled on that decision, now indefinitely suspending the player... but only after the flying monkeys of the internet went absolutely (and righteously) batshit over Rice's weak and insulting punishment. Actor Seth Rogen probably put it best when he twattered, "@nflcommish your punishment for beating a woman is less than for smoking weed. Get your head out of your fucking ass." But we're talking about the NFL, Seth! That's where their heads live. MEANWHILE... According to multiple sources, the former love of our lives—and now public enemy #2 (Kim K is still #1)—George Clooney has been telling trusted sources that he and new gal-pal Amal Almuddin will be getting married in "a couple of weeks in Venice." HUBBY KIP! You're moving out of the basement, and from now on it'll be called the "crying cave." Sniff.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

Besides Black Friday, nothing captures the American lust for commerce like the semi-annual new Apple doodad announcements. Today CEO Tim Cook trotted out his company's newest gizmos, including the iPhone 6 (and iPhone 6 Plus). Long story short, it's slightly bigger and has a bunch of new chips and processors in it. (Whoopie! Processors!) Apple also announced their new Apple Watch—which, long story short, gives directions and tells time. (Five bucks says they were so busy with the processors, they almost forgot about the "telling time" part.) High tech as they are, there's one thing the iPhone 6 and Apple Watch are unable to accomplish—letting buyers know about potential unsafe labor practices in the company's Chinese factories. According to a recent report from China Labor Watch, iPhone employees at one factory are regularly exposed to toxic chemicals, as well as "locked safety exits, forced unpaid overtime, and other labor violations." An Apple spokesperson says the company promises to investigate the allegations—or maybe they'll just develop an app for that?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

Nobody panic... but Kanye West has been rushed to the hospital! (We said don't panic!) On tour in Australia, the gabby rapper was whisked to the emergency room out of fear he might be having a seizure. PANIC! (Seriously, don't panic!) As it turned out the rap star was only suffering from a migraine, and went on to perform onstage later that evening. When asked what caused the migraine, anonymous doctors replied, "We're not sure... but it immediately stopped after Kim Kardashian left the room." Follow-up question: Does that explain why we get migraines every time we write about Kim?

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

Last week Billboard interviewed supposedly reformed shithead abuser Chris Brown, who told the magazine that thanks to spending 108 days in jail, he is now a changed man. Flash forward to last night when Brown and his (ugh) entourage were in attendance at a NYC nightclub when a bottle-throwing brawl mysteriously broke out, according to the New York Daily News. Naturally, Chris jumped on his Twatter account to deny any involvement. "There was no brawl involving me or anyone from my camp," he twattered, adding, "The devil is in full effect at all times. God is the way." Contacted for response, the Devil said, "Chris Brown is lying and he's an asshole." God replied, "What the Devil said."

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

In all things, the amazing Lena Dunham is correct. Even about a subject near and dear to our cold, cruel, schadenfreude-pumping hearts... celebrity gossip! When asked about gossip websites by O magazine, Dunham came clean. "I know that by reading them I'm supporting an industry that hurts people who are making art and putting themselves on the line," Dunham admitted. "Still, all I want to know is who is breaking up with whom and who might be pregnant." Such is the moral quandary we've wrestled with for years, Lena. For years. MEANWHILE... Speaking of gossip's insidious addictiveness, we turn to a familiar icon of One Day at a Time: Lindsay Lohan! In an interview with the Telegraph, LiLo dropped quite a bombshell about her time on probation, when she was sentenced to perform community service. "It's different for me than it would be for other people," Lohan said. "Like, no one [else] would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston." WAIT. WHAT? Is Linds saying that she... that she... handled the dead body of Whitney? "A quick check on the timeline shows Lindsay might not be making this one up," TMZ reports. "Houston passed away tragically on February 11, 2012... and Lindsay did her time at the [Los Angeles County] morgue from October 2011 through March 2012." And that, dears, is why gossip is such a beautiful thing, for us and for you and for Lena Dunham alike: Where else but the gossip rags would you ever even think of a story like that?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

Wait just a minute! Maybe Lindsay Lohan is lying after all—or is she? "An official from the coroner's office tells TMZ... Whitney was NEVER in a body bag and no one in the probation program came in contact with Whitney's body," TMZ now reports, casting doubt on whether or not Lindsay had a run-in with the deceased superstar. Still, that seems like a weird thing for anyone—even Lindsay!—to make up, which makes us wonder.... "Hey, don't look at me," said the Ghost of Whitney Houston when asked for comment. "I'm still trying to figure out a way to get ectoplasm to absorb cocaine." SORRY! MEANWHILE... Hollywood's greasiest lothario, John Mayer—who has somehow managed to seduce just about every woman in Hollyweird, from Katy Perry to Jennifer Aniston to Taylor Swift—has set his sights on a new quarry: the universally beloved Jennifer Lawrence. Noooo! JLaw! Don't fall for it! "John is determined to win Jennifer's heart," a source tells Hollywood Life—despite the fact that Lawrence is currently seeing Coldplay's Chris Martin (who, to be fair, is also terrible). "[Lawrence and Mayer] had a late dinner together at Cecconi's in West Hollywood," the source continues. "Chris who? That's how John feels. It's not like she's wearing a ring on her finger and John will continue to try and woo her until she does." Gross, gross, gross. Jennifer, literally anyone else is better. Anyone else. Hell, come take Hubby Kip. Even he's a step up from John Mayer. (We apologize in advance for the fact that he will only want to talk to you about Hunger Games trivia.)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

Oh god. Oh... oh god, no. Take it away, cringe-worthy headline at the Daily Beast: "Kanye West Stops Concert to Yell at Kid in Wheelchair, 'Stand Up!'" Heavy sigh. At a concert in Sydney, "The acclaimed rapper called out a pair of fans for not standing up at the show," the story continues. Only one problem: "One had a prosthetic limb, and the other one was in a wheelchair." "I can't do this song. I can't do this show until everybody stands up," West told the crowd. "Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit. Imma see you if you ain't standing up, believe me, I'm very good at that." Cue two fans—one who held up her prosthetic limb, and another in a wheelchair. "The crowd was reportedly trying to clue Kanye in to his epic blunder, with the entire section making wheelchair signals with their arms," the Daily Beast adds. "But to no avail." West—after complaining, "This is the longest I've had to wait to do a song, it's unbelievable"—finally sent a bodyguard to confirm the fan was in a wheelchair. "He is in a wheelchair?" West said. "It's fine!" And then the concert continued. YOU KNOW... At this point, dears, nothing Kanye does should leave us speechless, and yet? And yet. Well done, Kanye. Well done. By which we mean terribly done. Terribly done. (And now we're going to load up My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy on Spotify. Dammit, Kanye... you may give us migraines... but we can't quit you.)