MONDAY, MAY 11 Breaking news! Miss California's (AKA Carrie Prejean, AKA homophobe poster girl, AKA big-time Christian) titties fall out... again! Not only did Carrie's girls escape in pictures revealed early last week, but a new set of photos have also emerged clearly showing her erect, razor-sharp nipples preparing to poke out a homosexual's eyes. Since this is a clear violation of her Miss California contract, the Miss California Organization should have taken her crown. Instead, they decided to punt, leaving the decision to the wisest man in the universe: Donald Trump. Now under normal circumstances, Mr. Trump is in favor of "binding contracts" (since he uses them in his business, like... every day?). However, in this case Mr. Trump decided to throw all those silly contracts aside and after closely examining the pert, erect photos for any sign of contract-breaking nudity, decided to allow Miss California to keep her crown! "We are in the 21st century," Trump was nice enough to remind us, "and we have determined the pictures taken are fine... and in some cases the pictures were lovely." Gack! Gack! Sorry... that line touched our old perv reflex.
TUESDAY, MAY 12 Remember last week when actor Kiefer Sutherland kind of, sort of headbutted a fashion designer in the nose at a party, because the designer in question kind of, sort of bumped into Brooke Shields? Well, Kiefer was kind of, sort of charged with third-degree assault, and the Shields camp was kind of, sort of quiet about the entire incident... until today! Shields' rep finally gave her side of the story, saying, "While at [the afterparty at SubMercer], Brooke was bumped into by [designer] Jack McCollough, and Kiefer Sutherland became concerned. Kiefer has always been a gentleman in her company." Another source close to Brooke also told the Daily News that McCollough sort of, "may have shoved Kiefer first." Stay tuned to see if Kiefer might just, sort of go to prison. MEANWHILE... In news that sent Hubby Kip rushing off to his toolshed with a box of tissues and hand lotion, Transformers actress Megan Fox has announced she is bisexual. (KIP! QUIET DOWN OUT THERE!!) As Megan so subtly put it to Esquire magazine, "I think people are born bisexual and they make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I'm also a hypocrite. I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I'd never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man." Wait... WHAT? Is she bipolar as well? What the hell is she even talking about? (DAMN IT, KIP! BE... QUIET!! WE CAN'T HEAR OURSELVES THINK IN HERE!)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 13 Oh, no! Quick, somebody call the cops! Lindsay Lohan's house has been broken into and ransacked! Look! They threw filthy clothes everywhere! Ugh! They helped themselves to frozen dinners and then left the trays on the coffee table! And... and... ew! What's that? Oh, sweet lord. They actually had the audacity to fill the sink with gross, food-encrusted dishes that don't look like they've been washed in a month, and... wait. According to the police, after they entered LiLo's home, they quickly determined that in actuality nothing was stolen, and that her place always looks like this. Yes, but how can they be sure? Just to be safe, can you look for burglars underneath Lindsay's rotting pile of stained underpants?
THURSDAY, MAY 14 You remember Azharuddin Ismail as one of the child stars in Slumdog Millionaire, who, after winning accolades in Hollywood, returned to his slum in India where he was forced to beg for money outside his rickety shack and receive regular beatings from his father. But it couldn't get worse... right? From the AP: "The 10-year-old... was awakened Thursday by a policeman wielding a bamboo stick and ordered out of his home. Minutes later it was bulldozed along with dozens of other shanties. 'I was frightened,' said Ismail, who lost his pet kittens in the chaos. 'Where is my chicken?' he asked forlornly, picking through the shamble of broken wood and twisted metal sheeting in search of the family hen." Ismail, don't cry. Your kittens and hen probably had cancer.
FRIDAY, MAY 15 Normally, nothing interesting happens in France. But this week is different, because every single person in Hollyweird flew there for the Cannes Film Festival! And what a fest it was! First, Mariah Carey and Lenny Kravitz teamed up to throw a hissy fit when they were late for the red carpet! Okay, that's not interesting.... Oooh! Penélope Cruz got food poisoning! Ehhh, no... oh, here we go: Lars von Trier's latest film is the worst movie ever! "Von Trier is not so much making a film about violence as making a film to inflict violence upon us," Roger Ebert wrote of Antichrist, which screened to "derisive hoots," according to Variety. The film follows a married couple (Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg) whose baby falls out of a window and dies. Then, they engage in Saw-type torture that features "explicit sexual gore." "Lars von Trier cuts a big fat art-film fart with Antichrist," Variety squealed, while critic Jeff Wells succinctly deemed the film a "fartbomb." Calling himself "the world's greatest director," von Trier responded to comments about the film by "alternatively mocking or dismissing" all who questioned it, according to The Hollywood Reporter. "He also insisted he was not playing a joke on the audience but meant everything, from the film's talking fox to the closing dedication to Russian director Andrei Tarkovsky, a dedication that drew howls of laughter, to be taken seriously." While at Cannes, von Trier also announced the title of his next film, Just Kill Yourself Now: A Day in the Life of One of Those Adorable Little Urchins from Slumdog Millionaire.
SATURDAY, MAY 16 "Put it this way: I've experimented definitely, but I have never had a steady girlfriend," said Fergie. And with that sentence, the 34-year-old singer—who looks like a cross between a baseball mitt and E.T., and has been known to pee her pants while onstage—"totally ruined the allure of bisexual chicks," according to one area man, who may or may not be named Kip."Everything about the world was so beautiful when I found out Megan Fox did chicks," the man went on, wiping a single tear from his cheek. "And then Fergie ruined it. Just like she ruins everything." The area man then forlornly threw his Kleenex and lotion in the garbage, and spent the next two hours staring out the window.
SUNDAY, MAY 17 "[I'm] thinking about getting a Filipino mail-order bride at this point!" the single Alec Baldwin cracked on The Late Show with David Letterman earlier this week. Ha! Oh, Alec! Just nobody tell Philippine Senator Ramon Revilla, all right? That guy's got a temper and—oh, no! Someone did! Calling the "arrogant" Baldwin's statement "insensitive and uncalled for," Revilla then made things even uglier: "Let him try to come here in the Philippines," Revilla growled, "and he'll see mayhem." (Psst! That's a local idiom that, according to the Associated Press, "implies the speaker will personally administer a beating.") Revilla, take our advice: Back down. You do not want Alec Baldwin to be angry with you. Want proof? Have his daughter play you her answering machine messages.