ROBIN THICKE Finally admitting what the rest of us already suspected.
KIM KARDASHIAN Is she threatening us? We think she's threatening us!!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

In case you didn't get the Google Alert... singer Robin Thicke is a lying douchebag of the highest order. Necessary background: Thicke had a huge hit last summer with the rapey "Blurred Lines," produced by Pharrell Williams. Currently, both are being taken to court by the estate of Marvin Gaye because "Blurred Lines" is such an obvious rip-off of the soul singer's classic, "Got to Give It Up." Flash forward to today's release of Thicke's deposition in the case, in which he freely admits to being a liar and a drunk. (Finally!) For example, last year Robin told GQ magazine he was instrumental in the creation of "Blurred Lines" with Pharrell, which he claimed they co-wrote and recorded in "half an hour." (Mmm hmmm. Sounds like it!) However, when attorneys asked him about his co-authorship, Thicke admitted, "[Honestly] I was high on Vicodin and alcohol when I showed up at the studio. I wanted to be more involved than I actually was... it became a huge hit and I wanted credit. But the reality is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song." (Except for the part originally written by the late Marvin Gaye... right?) But don't worry, Robin! We're happy to continue giving you credit for being a rape-promoting jerk. (You certainly weren't lying about that.)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

Newsflash! Kanye West refuses to apologize after ordering two differently abled concertgoers to "STAND UP!" and dance during last week's gig in Sydney, Australia. (Wait... refuses to apologize? That's so unlike Kanye!) However, Yeezus did agree to spend five minutes at last night's concert ranting to an unwilling audience about how he refuses to apologize. Here are the highlights: "We've got Americans getting killed on TV," Kanye lectured, "unarmed people getting killed by police officers. It makes you want to reflect on what are the things that are a little bit more sensationalized than others." (Note to Kanye: There were, like, a million articles written about ISIS and police abuses recently, and maybe 25 written about you. And besides, we're not amoebas. We can concentrate on more than one story at a time. Sheesh!) "I'm just going to tell you who I am," Kanye continued without prompting. "I'm a married, Christian man [!!]... [who produces] positive music... This is real expression. This is real artistry... Pick a new target. Because I'm not one of those dumbass artists that you're used to." (He's entirely correct. Most dumbass artists would never make their audience suffer through five minutes of a non-apology. We'd call him on it... but we don't want him "not apologizing" to tomorrow night's crowd.)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

Speaking of not helping matters, pop songstress Rihanna lashed out at CBS for yanking her "Run This Town" theme song from the opening of last week's Thursday Night Football. CBS Sports decided to pull the song in light of the Ray Rice domestic abuse scandal, correctly figuring it would be tone deaf to feature Rihanna—who was a victim of abuse at the hands of Chris Brown. But apparently Rihanna didn't see it that way. "CBS you pulled my song last week, now you wanna slide it back in this Thursday," Rihanna screamed on her Twatter machine. "NO, Fuck you! Y'all are sad for penalizing me for this. The audacity...." (As stated before, NOT HELPING MATTERS, Rihanna.) CBS responded to Ri-Ri's very public "fuck you" by permanently replacing her song with brand-new music. In addition, we're penalizing Rihanna 15 yards for daring to use the phrase, "the audacity." You aren't the duchess of Gloucester, dear.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

Miley Cyrus—who's actually been on the upswing in One Day at a Time's internal opinion poll—once again insulted an entire nation this week when she performed a concert in Monterrey, Mexico, wearing an enormous foam bottom, and twerked while a dancer spanked her fake butt with the Mexican flag. This is apparently a rather large "no-no." Mexico has laws against people disrespecting their flag, which means if found guilty, Miley could be fined up to $1,200 or be jailed for 36 hours. Your honor! Does it help her case to know that Miley disrespects everyone's flag? It doesn't? (This is why we spent our time in college reading tabloids instead of going through pre-law.)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

"It's all very classy," a callous insider tells Us regarding the impending nuptials of our formerly beloved George Clooney and the screeching harpy who mercilessly stole him away from us, lawyer Amal Alamuddin! The Venice wedding—which we have yet to receive our invitation for, not that we would even attend—will largely be paid for by Alamuddin's parents, mother Baria (an editor at the Lebanese newspaper Al-Hayat) and father Ramzi, a retired business professor (they're "old-fashioned when it comes to these things," the source gabs). Well, they certainly sound like very nice people—except for the fact their horrid monstrosity of a garbage daughter has ruined any chance of happiness between George and ourselves! OTHER THAN THAT, WE'RE SURE THEY'RE VERY NICE. MEANWHILE... "Ramzi couldn't seem more delighted," another source tells People. "He finds Clooney very sympathetic, intelligent, cool, easygoing, and crazy in love with Amal!" "Ramzi and Baria Alamuddin appear... just thrilled to welcome Clooney, 53, into their family," People adds, nicely salting the wound. And now we return to the fine gossipmongers at Us, who have decided to drip acid directly into our eyeballs by making us read the following: "While accepting an award in Florence on September 7, Clooney declared his love for the London-based barrister before the audience. 'I would just like to say to my bride-to-be, Amal, that I love you very much. And I can't wait to be your husband.'" Ugh! We can't take this anymore! Let's move on to Saturday! Anything has to be better than this!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

[Awkward pause.] Perhaps we spoke too soon. It appears the inimitable Shia LaBeouf has returned to the august pages of One Day at a Time—bringing with him that very special kind of crazy that only Shia seems able to conjure. (He's like a crappy wizard!) This time, though, LaBeef isn't the one shouting gibberish into the ether: That'd be his alleged stalker, Graciela Nahle, who, TMZ reports, repeatedly shows up at Casa la Beef, "once showing up with an infant in her arms" and "claiming to have been best buds in a previous incarnation." This week, Nahle "showed up at his house eating watermelon on the driveway"—and when Shia asked her to leave, she shouted back, "I am going to blow up your house! I am going to blow up the world! You are Albert Einstein and we belong together!" Ha! Now that's crazy! (FYI: The first person to point out that we may or may not have done the exact same thing last month at George Clooney' Lake Como mansion gets a lifetime ban from reading One Day at a Time.)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

Just in case you've forgotten that rich white people are the absolute worst—and that the ones in Hollyweird are particularly awful—here's a fun statistic: "Vaccination rates in elite neighborhoods like Santa Monica and Beverly Hills have tanked," the Atlantic reports, citing an investigation by the Hollywood Reporter—and adding, predictably enough, that "the incidence of whooping cough there has skyrocketed," along with other totally preventable diseases like measles. The vaccination rates of some Hollyweird schools, in fact, are now as low as those in Chad or South Sudan. "Unlike in Santa Monica, however," the Atlantic adds, "parents in South Sudan have trouble getting their children vaccinated because of an ongoing civil war." Congrats, Jenny McCarthy! You and your army of ill-informed anti-vaxxers have finally defeated that nefarious foe known as science. Savor your victory. As for the rest of us: How can we move all of those filthy plague carriers to a leper colony? Do leper colonies even still exist? Can we bring them back? AND THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET EVEN WORSE... Sorry to leave you on a down note, dears, but not even SoCal idiots' downfall into disease can top this last bit of awful news: Kim Kardashian appeared on the Today show in Australia, where some sick, insane individual asked her if she and Kanye West were thinking about having more children. "I hope so," Kim replied. "You know, we're trying. So I guess it's all in God's hands." MEANWHILE... "Oh, don't you dare bring Me into this," God interrupted. "If I had any sway at all, you'd be in that leper colony."