AMANDA BYNES You've been Lufti'd!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 6
While we deeply do not approve—DO NOT APPROVE—of her romantic liaisons with Chris Martin (ex-hubby of the grotesque Gwyneth Paltrow, who "consciously uncoupled" from him in March), we deeply DO approve of Jennifer Lawrence's new Vanity Fair interview in which she takes the trolls of 4chan to task for leaking her nude photos onto the internet. "Just because I'm an actress," JLaw told the mag, "does not mean I asked for this. It's my body and it should be my choice." Following the pic leakage, Jen admitted she got this close to writing a simpering public mea culpa—but wisely decided against it. "I started to write an apology," she said, "but I don't have anything to say I'm sorry for. I was in a loving, healthy, great relationship for four years. It was long distance and either your boyfriend is going to look at porn, or he's going to look at you." [We suspect Jennifer may have a warped view of how and why men look at porn... pause to glare at Hubby Kip... but let's not stop her, she's on a roll!] "It is not a scandal," she continued. "It is a sex crime. Anybody who looked at these pictures, you're perpetuating a sexual offense. You should cower with shame." [Dear all readers of One Day at a Time: Join me in a minute-long "shame glare" at Hubby Kip. That's right, Kip! Retreat to your shame cave!]

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7
Okay, here's one of those terrible stories that's best accompanied with multiple shots of whiskey. So line 'em up... and let's get this over with. For those who remember the maudlin Christian show Seventh Heaven, you'll be alarmed to learn that TMZ acquired an audio tape in which the pastor dad, actor Stephen Collins, admitted to engaging in sexual contact with multiple children. (EEK! Drink.) He allegedly made the confession in 2012, which was recorded by wife Faye Grant during a couples therapy session. (Get the next shot ready....) On the tape, Collins reportedly admits to inappropriately touching an 11-year-old girl, saying, "There was one moment of touching, where her hand... I put her hand on my..." (NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. Drink.) He continues with a completely unwanted description of his "partial erection" (NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. Drink.), and then briefly mentions molesting at least two other girls—all under the age of 14. (Get another bottle. DRINK.) Collins is under investigation by the NYPD and LAPD, while sources in Hollywood say the actor has been fired by his agency, and dropped from the TV show Scandal as well as his role in Seth MacFarlane's teddy bear movie Ted 2 (apparently, even foul-mouthed bears have their moral limits). (Oh, and DRINK.)

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8
Further troubling news from the troubled world of Amanda Bynes. As reported last week, AmBy recently fell off the sobriety wagon, but immediately hopped up to talk to some trees, get a DUI, and swerve maniacally around NYC crowds on a bicycle. But don't fret... the story continues! TMZ reported today that Mandy spent her Monday evening at the Gilded Lily nightclub in NYC, clawing a fan after the clawee attempted to take a photograph of her. Then on Tuesday, Amanda was spotted at Bloomingdale's wearing only one shoe and mumbling incoherently. But today was the real topper, when AmBy was accused of shoplifting not once... but twice. The first offense took place at womenswear store Pookie and Sebastian, where she allegedly tried to skip out with a purloined shirt (when confronted with her thievery, she reportedly said, "Do I really have to buy this?"), and later at Barneys where she walked out wearing a $200 hat. No charges were filed, because she told security she was using the hat as a disguise to escape her many fans. (Hmmf. Charges are should be filed against the security guards for naïvely assuming Amanda Bynes has fans.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9
More hillbilly antics from the family of Sarah Palin! According to TMZ, the Palin clan got into a huge drunken fistfight with fellow partygoers at a shindig near Anchorage, Alaska. According to the Palins, it started when daughter Bristol rushed to the defense of sister Willow, after a woman shoved her. The homeowner then allegedly knocked Bristol down and dragged her around the ground, calling her a "slut." Other partygoers say Bristol started the scrap by punching a man in the face, followed by daddy Todd, brother Track, and sis Willow jumping in. No one denies that everyone involved was stinking drunk. (But where was mama Sarah Palin, you may be wondering? Allegedly "sitting in a limo outside" for the entirety of the melee. Which is just... too... perfect.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10
So here's an unexpected blast from the past: Remember Sam Lufti, the super-sketchy "manager" who reportedly took all sorts of advantage of Britney Spears at the height of her 2008 meltdown? Well, he's back—and you'll never guess who he's hanging out with! Okay, fine, you totally guessed: Amanda Bynes! (This is weird.) According to TMZ, Lufti tracked down Bynes, telling her that he would help her sue her parents. When Bynes agreed, Lufti convinced her to fly to Los Angeles, telling her that her car would make two stops—first to a lawyer's office, and then to a hotel where Bynes could tell her parents she was suing them. EXCEPT! "Lufti was secretly working with Amanda's parents and it was all an elaborate ruse to lure her out so doctors could place her on an involuntary psychiatric hold," TMZ says! The "lawyer's office" Bynes thought she was going to? It was a Pasadena hospital—and when "she walked inside she was surrounded by hospital staff." (Did we already say how weird this is? This is super weird.) "Lufti—who always said he was actually protecting Britney—is a hero in the eyes of Amanda's parents," TMZ concludes. "We're told they are going to publicly thank him." Frown. Shrug. Okay, sure, why not. Moving on!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 11
According to People, Amal Alamuddin is finally going back to her legal work—after her garish, cloying, obnoxious wedding celebrations and stealing away our formerly beloved George Clooney. Oh, how we hate her. We hate her so much. "As she gets back to work, Amal Alamuddin has a big new case—and a new name, too," People reports, twisting the knife. "Listed as 'Amal Clooney' on the website for her London-based firm, Doughty Street Chambers, the new wife of George Clooney arrived in Athens" to advise Prime Minister Antonis Samaras on Greece's "long-running, ill-fated bid to win back a collection of classical Greek marble sculptures variously known as the Parthenon Marbles or the Elgin Marbles from the British Museum in London." We will be closely watching this case, dears, as there is a small but glorious chance that it might end with the Elgin Marbles falling on Amal Alamuddin's head.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12
Here are five words we never thought we'd type: God bless you, Martha Stewart. Why? Because of her latest cupcake recipe? God no. Ugh! No—because she's taunting Gwyneth Paltrow! "She just needs to be quiet," Martha Stewart said in a recent interview, when asked what she thought about Paltrow's lifestyle website, Goop. "She's a movie star," Stewart sniped. "If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn't be trying to be Martha Stewart." OH, SNAP, MARTHA STEWART! But that's not all: In this month's Martha Stewart Living, our new favorite person Martha went after Paltrow again—by running a selection of Thanksgiving pie recipes under the headline "Conscious Coupling." "Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I'll have what they're having," the catty text reads. "Our holiday pies honor such partnership, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling." Why is Martha being so mean to Gwyneth? We don't know—and we don't care! We do know that this holiday season, it'll be the thing we're most thankful for.