MONDAY, MAY 25 It's Memorial Day—a time to reflect upon those who have valiantly served our country, while also remembering to nag Hubby Kip into cleaning out the garage. Seriously, YOU MEN. You know, you won't catch testicular cancer if you occasionally wash a dish. Anyway, someone else who is also a tad on the filthy side? Britney Spears! While we assumed her days of wiping Cheetos-stained fingers on Juicy-embossed terrycloth shorts were over, we once again assumed wrong. According to the New York Post, Brit recently took a break from her Circus tour to pose for a very elegant Elle photo shoot, in which she was to model some extravagant couture gowns. However, according to a snoopy source, Brit once again made a bit of a mess of things. "Well, let's just say she forgot what time of the month it was," said the disgusted spy. "It wasn't pretty." What? The French have never heard of the Spray 'n Wash Stain Stick? (Speaking of which... confidential to Hubby Kip: From now on wash your own underpants.) MEANWHILE... Speaking of soiling things other than one's underwear (because Paris Hilton never wears the things), Paris is simply aghast that British tabs are alleging that she and current boytoy Doug Reinhardt were kicked off David Furnish's yacht for boning in the bathroom. (Or as the limeys put it: being caught in a "compromising position.") In fact, she was so aghast that she blogged about it, writing that the accusation "is such a lie that it's a joke. I would never do that. I can't believe the stories people will make up, so gross!" Yeah, it's hard for us to believe, too... that is until we remember that night vision sex tape you made. At least you kept your fluids in the bathroom this time.
TUESDAY, MAY 26 In a sincerely annoying turn of events, the California Supreme Court upheld the state's homophobic ban on same-sex marriage (also known as Prop 8)—but said it was okay for the 18,000 gay couples who were already married to stay that way. GEE! THANKS! So now, some gay people in California are more equal than others? This situation just keeps getting better and better! And perhaps even more galling is the fact that most gay Americans have less rights than the comic book character Archie. According to the comic's creators, in honor of their 600th issue, Archie Andrews will be marrying his longtime girlfriend Veronica Lodge (the rich brunette bitch). Naturally, Veronica was thrilled, writing on her blog (yes, even comic book characters have blogs these days), "I am so excited. I am getting married to Archie. There is so much to do, so many plans to make. I wonder if Betty [the "nice" blonde milksop in this love triangle] wants to be my maid of honor? I bet she is so happy for me!" Yeah. WE BET. So three cheers for traditional marriage, where it's totes fine for imaginary characters to wed while an entire segment of ACTUAL Americans are relegated to state-sanctioned second-class citizenship. BTW, Jughead's gay.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 27 What follows falls under the "upsetting news about children" category, so if you choose to skip to Thursday's entry, no one will blame you. The four-year-old daughter of former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson died today following a freak accident in which she accidentally strangled herself on the cord hanging from a treadmill. "There's nothing in the investigation that revealed anything suspicious," said Police Sergeant Andy Hill, who sadly added, "[These situations] are the things that stay with you in your career. We always hope for a miracle—not to have the worst happen to a child." MEANWHILE... Somewhat better news for the child stars of Slumdog Millionaire: After having their shacks/homes destroyed by the Mumbai government last week, Slumdog director Danny Boyle visited the children today and has purchased a $42,000 apartment for the families "in a good neighborhood [and] near [their] school." As for the rest of the child "slumdogs" of Mumbai—too bad they aren't movie stars, huh?
THURSDAY, MAY 28 Oh, American Idol controversies... will you ever die? After last week's totes unfair season finale, in which Kris Allen (as interesting as chalk) defeated Adam Lambert (who, okay, is kinda scary), many accused the show of being rigged. Adding fuel to the fire was an Arkansas newspaper article, which reported that AT&T employees were present at two Kris Allen events on the night of the finale, teaching his fans how to "power text" (sending 10 or more text votes by pressing a single button). At one such party, Bobbie Kierna of Greenbrier, Arkansas, voted... wait for it... 10,840 times on a phone provided by American Idol sponsor AT&T. Both the phone company and the Fox Network deny that these multiple voting techniques affected the ultimate outcome, however when reached for comment, former President George W. Bush said, "I just knew I'd find a way to steal the 2012 election! Yee-HAW!"
FRIDAY, MAY 29 Nadya Suleman—better known as Octomom—is getting a reality TV show. MEANWHILE, IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... Last night four horsemen were seen silhouetted against a blood-red moon, locusts decimated the world's crops, and a pale little girl with no eyes endlessly repeated the phrase, "We all die alone. The earth shudders and weeps. The demons will rise, and man will fall." "Finally, my scheme bears fruit!" proclaimed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, raising his tentacles to the heavens as lightning flashed against bruised clouds. "Savor your world's demise, humans! I shall feast on your screams as your pathetic planet meets its prophesied end!"
SATURDAY, MAY 30 "When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes," reliably skanky actress/sex symbol Megan Fox told the British GQ. "We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who's not their partner." Aside from offering even more bewildering proof that Ms. Fox should never be allowed to speak, here's another fun fact about this issue of GQ: If one were to mention to their husband that a copy of said GQ might be somewhere in the garage, one would be astonished by how fast the Wii gets turned off and the broom comes out. It's like magic! Skanky, skanky magic.
SUNDAY, MAY 31 Today Mel Gibson delivered a sermon at his church in Agoura Hills, California. Fed up with his fellow churchgoers' gossip about his recent affair, the 53-year-old actor/director/drunk/anti-Semite "got up on his stage—the altar—and went off," reports Radaronline.com. "He tried to intimidate the parishioners by staring at everyone with his angry eyes" as he "paced back and forth, furiously telling the congregation that he would not stand by and be judged and scrutinized." Preach on, Mel! (And just FYI, we are totes not judging you! Just snickering a teensy bit. At, um, something else. Definitely not you. Please don't kill us.) MEANWHILE... Tonight at the MTV Movie Awards, Sacha Baron Cohen—who was in character as über-gay Austrian TV host Brüno—dressed up as an angel wearing a thong and swung from the rafters, "accidentally" planting his nearly bare ass right in the face of a shocked Eminem. Predictably enough, drama queen Em stormed out of the ceremony, looking as upset as if he'd yet again been asked to perform "Ice Ice Baby." But the plot thickens! E! reports that Eminem was in on the joke, while Life & Style claims Paris Hilton was Cohen's first choice for the stunt, but she politely declined to be involved. Now, we'd like to end this column on a classy note (there's a first time for everything!), but frankly, this one's just too easy to pass up: Insert your own joke here about how Paris has already "been there, done that." Extra credit if you manage to work in a line about having been there and done that in a bathroom on a yacht.