RENEE ZELLWEGGER "Her face, her face, she's changed her FAAAAACE!"—the Internet

MONDAY, OCTOBER 20

And now... two unrelated stories that are so totes related: Today the fashion world mourned the loss of one of its greatest talents, Oscar de la Renta, who died at the age of 82 from complications related to cancer. A designer's designer, de la Renta made his mark on the world of couture by outfitting four first ladies as well as Hollywood's elite (he's the man who made such luminaries as Amy Adams, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Penélope Cruz look like a kazillion bucks). Cheeky and irreverent, de la Renta spent his career setting an incredibly high standard for all the designers who follow him, and this goes double for the celebrities he outfitted with a lifetime of gorgeous gowns. He will most certainly be missed. AND NOW ANOTHER TOTALLY RELATED/UNRELATED STORY: Today in Calabasas, California, Tinselturd's most despised denizen Kim Kardashian was spotted on the street wearing a white, backless top (sans bra), gladiator sandals, and extremely tight, frayed jean shorts. Dear Kim... can you PLEASE allow Mr. de la Renta a moment's peace before forcing him to spin in his grave?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21

As you know, the internet abhors a vacuum. If there is nothing of interest, the internet will create something of interest—and today's topic of created interest is Renée Zellweger's new face. Zellweger is best known for her turn in Bridget Jones' Diary, as well as Jerry Maguire, where she famously told Tom Cruise, "You had me at hello," as tears rolled down her chipmunk cheeks. Last night she appeared on some random fashion red carpet with a new face that looked absolutely nothing like her—not bad... pretty, actually—but nothing like her... which is more than enough to drive the internet insane. Five hundred thousand tweets were twattered, and 300,000 blog/articles (this is officially 300,001) were written decrying the ageist falsity of Hollyweird, and/or trumpeting Renée's choice to take control of her face/career. Without giving credence to any of the plastic surgery rumors, Renée told People magazine, "I'm glad folks think I look different! I'm living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I'm thrilled that perhaps it shows." Congrats to Renée on however she chooses to look... as you know, we're not the judgmental type. (Unless she puts on Kim K's tight jean shorts—then we'll judge the crap out of her.)

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22

This just in: Tori Spelling does not... repeat... does NOT have the Ebola virus! (We think.) TMZ reports that the former Beverly Hills, 90210 star was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center today, after experiencing fever, uncontrollable coughing, and breathing difficulties. While she was immediately quarantined, doctors soon determined it was not Ebola... just a very severe case of bronchitis with a sinus infection. However, just for safety's sake, let's not dismiss the possibility of Ebola too quickly, and continue Tori's quarantine for at least... oh, how does three months sound to everyone? Three months it is. (Oh, and throw Kim K's jean shorts in there, too.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23

Today in "grotesque": One of the stars of TLC's hillbilly reality show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Mama June Shannon, is being accused of dating a registered sex offender, Mark Anthony McDaniel, who was convicted of molesting June's eldest daughter. (Pause for a very loud, EWWWW!) While June denies the two are romantically involved, sources tell TMZ she has been involved with McDaniel for the last few months, sneaking away from the set to see him, and buying him various gifts. (EWWWW!) The gossip site goes on to say that before June and her ex-husband/co-star "Sugar Bear" (EWWWW!) were divorced, she engaged in an extended "emotional relationship" with McDaniel—while he was still locked up on charges of forcing her eldest daughter to perform oral sex. (OKAY THAT IS ENOUGH, TIME FOR OUR DAILY "KAREN SILKWOOD SHOWER," GOODBYE.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24

Today in a different type of "grotesque": Thirty miles north of Seattle in Marysville, Washington, the recently crowned "homecoming prince" of Marysville-Pilchuck High School, freshman Jaylen Fryberg, brought a Beretta .40-caliber handgun into the school's cafeteria and started firing—seriously wounding three students, killing two others, and, following the intervention of a brave teacher, killing himself. In related news, American gun laws don't make any sense, and until they're changed, America's children will continue to die in school shootings. Based on all available evidence, it appears Americans are totally okay with that.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25

Usually the sordid sex scandals in One Day at a Time only sully the already rotten reputation of Los Angeles... but today we turn our gaze to the pristine and admirable north... in particular, to the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. That's where Jian Ghomeshi, the host of the popular radio show Q with Jian Ghomeshi (which is featured on Oregon Public Broadcasting and recorded a live show in Portland in April), has been fired. His dismissal came after a damning investigation by the Toronto Star. "Over the past few months the Star has approached Ghomeshi with allegations from three young women, all about 20 years his junior, who say he was physically violent to them without their consent during sexual encounters or in the lead-up to sexual encounters." Ghomeshi denies the allegations, claiming on Facebook that he had "done nothing wrong" and is the victim of a "smear" campaign by an ex-girlfriend. The Star and CBC thought otherwise—and given the women's disturbing reports (the brutal details of which we won't go into here), it's easy to see why. Ghomeshi is suing the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation for $50 million—and he probably won't be doing any more Portland recordings of Q anytime soon.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26

Every couple needs a hobby—some take dancing classes or cook together, while others enjoy camping, cozying up on the couch with HBO, or silently resenting their unwanted children. But apparently none of those pastimes are good enough for newlyweds George and Amal Clooney, whose new hobby appears to be rubbing salt in our still-fresh wounds. As if the Clooneys' ludicrously perfect Venetian wedding wasn't enough to fill us with jealous rage, now the ostensibly happy couple is celebrating their marriage in England with a luxurious party hosted by Baria and Ramzi Alamuddin (who we're sure are very nice people but are nonetheless responsible for birthing a garbage daughter who stole our beloved George from us). On the guest list at the 300-year-old Danesfield House Hotel in Buckinghamshire were "more than 200 friends and family members," according to People. "George was very nice, absolutely adorable," a source gushed. "Amal looked incredible and they seem very, very much in love. George went from table to table to meet everyone and at more than one table, when he noticed glasses were empty, he got a bottle and poured wine into everyone's glasses." Well, isn't that just charming. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're late for our couples counseling session with Hubby Kip. (We're going to go ahead and count that as "a hobby.")