JENNIFER LAWRENCE Tired of dealing with Chris Martin's Goop.
JENNIFER LAWRENCE Our long national nightmare is over!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 27

Oh thank god. Our excruciating national nightmare has finally come to an end! At long last, the charming, intelligent, and beautiful Jennifer Lawrence is no longer trapped in a stygian and doomed parody of a "relationship" with Coldplay warbler Chris Martin! (Hubby Kip! Make us a celebratory martini! A big one!) "A source close to Martin told Us the couple's relationship has been 'rocky' due to their 'insane' schedules," Us reported, thereby causing a relieved nation to spend an entire afternoon administering high-fives. "They really like each other," the source continued, "but it's just so complicated with so much going on." We presume they mean, "Lawrence's bustling acting career, where she's always winning Oscars and giving hilarious interviews and being everyone's favorite person," whereas Martin, no doubt, has a busy schedule that begins and ends with him sitting in his basement. Us dug up another source, who told them that Martin—who, presumably, is very distressed by all this—believed Lawrence to be "the real deal." That's because she is, Chris—something we hope she realizes before she starts dating the guy from the Counting Crows. IN OTHER NEWS ABOUT WONDERFUL WOMEN... In an interview with Howard Stern to promote her fantastic new book Yes Please, the delightful, amazing, and admirable Amy Poehler admitted her darkest secret: That after splitting up with her ex-husband Will Arnett, she went on a date with Full House's John Stamos. On the upside, at least it was kind of an accident! "We were having dinner and I was like, 'Oh, maybe this is a date!' But I didn't know," Poehler said. "But I kinda blew it... I remember thinking like, 'Oh, shit. Like, if this is really a date....' I think I was wearing a Leslie Knope top. I think I was wearing a shirt from work." While Poehler has since moved on, we assume Uncle Jesse is currently winning a moping contest in Mr. Coldplay's basement.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28

Ready for more Jennifer Lawrence/Chris Martin conspiracy theories? (Why do we even ask?) According to the Daily Mail, a new hypothesis has emerged on why these two lovebirds flew screaming from their love nest, and it can be confined to three words: ICKY GWYNETH PALTROW. The paper quotes a source who claims Jennifer quickly grew perturbed over Chris' relationship with his "consciously uncoupled" former wife. "Jen got tired of Chris playing 'happy families' with Gwyn and was annoyed that he was trying to keep her hidden away," said the snoopy insider. But that's not all! Jennifer couldn't have been very pleased after seeing a recent paparazzi shot of Gwyn having dinner with her former hubby, and "tenderly stroking Chris' face." OHHHHH NOOOO SHE DIDN'T. (Girl, you are so much better off without him—besides, from what we hear, getting rid of Goop is trickier than curing herpes.)

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29

Last week we dutifully documented how actress Renée Zellweger had some (presumed) work done on her face, which caused the internet to lose its freaking mind. (In the internet's defense, it was a slow news day.) Naturally, this inspired Julia Roberts to chime in with her own un-asked-for opinion regarding plastic surgery—in which the 47-year-old actress #humblebragged she's never had it. "By Hollywood standards," she boasted, "I guess I've already taken a big risk in not having had a facelift." Julia credits her Picture of Dorian Gray-style face to "letting things go that weigh her down... emotionally" and apparently snipe-talking Renée Z behind her back. Oh, she also claims her eternal youthfulness is due to a regular yoga routine—which probably really helps when one is constantly patting oneself on the back. (Meow, pfffst, claw, and pass us another dry martini, dears.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30

Speaking of kitties with claws, even Hollywood's most popular leading men can be catty at times. Take the case of veteran actor Tommy Lee Jones who hates every single gut inside funnyman Jim Carrey. Hearing there was tension between the two actors on the set of the absolutely abysmal Batman Forever (1995), radio host Howard Stern asked Carrey to reveal what transpired between the two. "I walked into a restaurant the night before our big scene in the Riddler's lair," Carrey remembered. "[Jones was sitting in a booth] so I went up to say hi, and the blood drained from his face.... He got up, kind of shaking... and said, 'I hate you. I really don't like you.' I was like, 'Wow, okay. Well, what's going on, man?' And he said, 'I cannot sanction your buffoonery.'" This is the greatest thing we've heard today, and to celebrate, we're getting it embroidered on the butt of our sweatpants.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31

Speaking of "where are they now," let's poke into the personal biz-nass of three celebs who've dropped off the face of the earth (AKA the pages of One Day). First... Amanda Bynes! After a botched attempt at rehab a few months ago, Mandy's parents went to court this week and were successfully granted conservatorship over this hot mess of an actress. Besides being caught shoplifting and riding bicycles erratically in public, according to the Daily News, Amanda has blown through much of her savings after buying expensive Cartier jewelry and then giving it away to random strangers on the street. In an unrelated story, we've invited Amanda to live in our very comfortable basement—what Hubby Kip used to call his "man cave." (Sorry, Kip! But mama needs her bling.) MEANWHILE... Former Breakfast Club star Judd Nelson is not—repeat—NOT DEAD. The rumor caught fire this weekend on the always (i.e., never) reliable internet, forcing the star to embarrassingly remind everyone he's still alive and working. According to IMDb.com, one of his next projects is about an adorable dog who steals jewelry, which he's starring in with former Incredible Hulk Lou Ferrigno. Soooo... yeah. He's dead. MEANWHILE... Ex-Scientology "Stepford Wife" Katie Holmes—who escaped the cult with daughter Suri after a disastrous marriage to Tom Cruise—has told People magazine she hopes to be remembered for something other than her former Scientology ties. "I don't want that moment in my life to define me," Katie said, "to be who I am." As is our habit, we contacted the official spokesalien for Scientology, Emperor Klaktu (Intergalactic Dictator of Rigel VII), for a comment. "Oh, PLEASE, Ann," Klaktu scoffed while waving three dismissive tentacles. "Katie WHO? HAH! We've had no need for 'Little Miss Self-Important Pants' since she served as the breeding pod for the future Queen of all Thetans, Her Interstellar Highness Suri Cruise! In fact, Katie Holmes is so unimportant to our cause, we've even decided to spare her miserable life when we annihilate the puny human race. (Besides, I'm keeping my tentacles crossed for a Dawson's Creek reunion!)"

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1

Years ago, not a single installment of One Day at a Time, Your Favorite Gossip Column™, was allowed to pass without at least one—and probably multiple—reports of Britney Spears shaving her head, or attacking something with an umbrella, or birthing Kevin Federline's children, or... or... you know what? We're tired just thinking about it. But my, how times have changed! Because on Wednesday, November 5, Britney will be awarded a key to the Las Vegas Strip—while Caesars Palace will encourage all Las Vegas residents to celebrate "Britney Day." This really should be an international holiday, but our impassioned emails to Portland Mayor Charlie Hales asking him to declare November 5 Britney Day in Portland have yet to be returned. (Probably because we aren't a condo developer.) Consider this your call to action, City Commissioners Nick Fish, Amanda Fritz, Steve Novick, and Dan Saltzman! Which one of you will be brave enough to plug your iPhone into city hall's speakers during the city council meeting on November 5 and crank "I'm a Slave 4 U" at maximum volume to celebrate Britney Day: Portland Edition? Which one of you brave public servants shall accept this admirable task? (Or "Toxic"! "Toxic" is also really good!)

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2

According to TMZ, this week marked the third time this year that Selena Gomez called the police to her $3 million Calabasas mansion after finding her door unlocked and fearing an intruder had broken in. IN RELATED NEWS... This week also marked the third time this year that it turned out Selena Gomez just forgot to lock her front door when she left the house.