MONDAY, JUNE 1 In the mood for some shocking upsets? Yes, you are! SHOCKING UPSET #1: Humanitarian/home wrecker Angelina Jolie has surpassed Oprah Winfrey as the world's most powerful celebrity, according to the annual list compiled by Forbes magazine. "Soooo... how exactly does one worm their way onto such a list?" we asked ourselves jealously. Apparently Forbes puts the list together by ranking famous people based on "media exposure" and "career earnings." Oh. So that would explain why we landed in the bottom part of the list just under American Idol failure Nikki McKibbin. Anyway! Naturally Angelina was thrilled by the announcement, and broadcasted the following statement on giant screens scattered across the globe: "Attention Citizens of Earth! I have usurped your former leader Oprah Winfrey, and am now your master! Bow before me, and lay your handsome men and orphans at my feet!" Oh, and she laughed maniacally a bit, too. MEANWHILE... SHOCKING UPSET #2 (that is, if you're British): Scotland's Susan Boyle—who may not look like much, but has an amazing voice—was defeated this weekend by some limey dance troupe on the reality show Britain's Got Talent. Naturally, and because the British are incapable of subtlety, SuBo immediately collapsed from exhaustion and was rushed to a rehab clinic, where she couldn't stop weeping, or asking for her cat "Pebbles," according to The Sun. Umm-hmmm. Sorry, there aren't enough hyperbolic British adjectives in the world to make this story interesting to Americans. Next!
TUESDAY, JUNE 2 Even though MTV's non-realistic reality show The Hills is gone for the season, cast members/Christians/blights on humanity Spencer and Heidi Pratt continue to successfully make the gossip tabs. This week, the pair volunteered to compete for charity on the NBC show, I'm a Celebrity... Get Me out of Here!," in which failed denizens of Tinselturd (like Stephen Baldwin) try to coexist in a Costa Rican jungle. The premiere episode started in classic Speidi fashion, when someone stole Heidi's dry shampoo and Spencer went ape-shit, knocking a water bottle out of the offending contestant's hand. Soon after, the pair quit the show—then a day later begged to be let back into the competition, claiming "the devil got to us" and that they kind of, sort of forgot it was supposed to be for charity. Though allowed to once again compete, NBC executive Paul Telegdy summed it up best on Ryan Seacrest's show. "[Heidi and Spencer] are everything that's wrong with America," Telegdy wisely noted. "They are insincere, lazy, entitled, and they claim that the devil has possessed them. They are back... [but] what they don't realize is that they are going to be examined and their value system utterly deconstructed." Then he laughed maniacally a little bit. (Move over, Angelina! You've got competition!)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3 Though states like California and Oregon may be lagging behind, New Hampshire gets it, and today became the sixth state to legalize gay marriage. Shockingly, even professional douchebags like former Vice President Dick Cheney have jumped on the same-sex marriage bandwagon, telling the National Press Club, "Freedom means freedom for everyone. I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish, any kind of arrangement they wish." (Don't get too excited... by "arrangement," Cheney means "waterboarding.")
THURSDAY, JUNE 4 News straight out of leftfield: The nude body of actor David Carradine (best known for his role in Kill Bill) was discovered today hanging in the closet of his Bangkok hotel. While originally thought to be a suicide, a police officer told The Sun, "A rope was attached to his neck and also to his penis," suggesting either autoerotic asphyxiation, or perhaps a sex game gone wrong. Carradine's spokesperson told TMZ, "We can confirm 100 percent that he never would have committed suicide. It was an accidental death." Trust us: You have not heard the last of this story. MEANWHILE... A recent Gallup poll has at last revealed the shocking truth: 89 percent of the GOP is white, 63 percent of them identify as "conservatives," and almost half consider themselves "strongly religious." When asked what everyone else in the world thought about this information, 99.999 percent answered, "No shit, Sherlock!"
FRIDAY, JUNE 5 Like herpes, some rumors never go away—instead, they fester into painful little boils, always coming back just when you've forgotten about 'em. One such rumor? When former Full House stars threaten to resurrect their show! Last time, it was Candace Cameron Bure—AKA chubby li'l D.J. Tanner—who erroneously promised a Full House reunion. Now, John Stamos—AKA Uncle Jesse—is "conceptualizing a Full House feature film," according to the Daily News. "I'm working on a movie idea, but it wouldn't be us playing us," Stamos said. "I see Steve Carell as Danny Tanner and Tracy Morgan as Joey Gladstone, because he's funny." When reached for comment, original Uncle Joey Dave Coulier called Stamos' plans "ludicrous" and "the troubled workings of a desperate mind." "Johnny's gotta cut... it... out!" Coulier laughed. "Seriously! Besides, everyone knows that once my feature-length screenplay, Full House: House Party!, is greenlit, I'll reprise my role as Joey—as well as play all the other characters... and also direct," he added as he obsessively stroked a threadbare groundhog puppet, and daydreamed about how to most effectively murder Tracy Morgan.
SATURDAY, JUNE 6 Don't forget: Lindsay Lohan still exists! "The actress spent last night shadowing her ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson around town after following her to London this week," the Daily Mail reports, while the Mirror claims that at a London club, Linds "sat with her straggly hair all over her face looking strangely detached from the world and mumbled, 'I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged,'" before she "squirmed around as if trying to hide in a ball on the floor." Loveline's Dr. Drew weighed in, telling Parade magazine, "I'm convinced that she'll get sober one day. But I'm afraid that between now and then, she may get a nearly mortal wound.... She needs to give it up. And it's going to be a while before she does. I have this image that she's going to lose a limb or something before she does. And it scares me." On Twitter, LiLo responded to Dr. Drew's unsolicited prophecies: "I thought REAL doctors talked to patients in offices behind closed doors," Lohan twatted. "Am I wrong? Hmmmmm. I think NOT. Yay!" And thus concludes your weekly reminder that Lindsay Lohan does, in fact, still exist.
SUNDAY, JUNE 7 Okay, so remember that confusion about what killed David Carradine? Well, now we know—and it wasn't suicide, or autoerotic asphyxiation, or Colonel Mustard! No, the true culprit was... an ancient clan of secret ninjas. "David was very interested in investigating and disclosing secret societies," said a guest on Larry King Live—prompting Carradine family lawyer Mark Geragos to suggest that kung fu assassins eliminated Carradine. "There is a suspicion that if there was some foul play," Geragos intoned, "[the martial arts community of which Carradine was a part] may be the first area where they should look." Carradine's ex-wife, Marina Anderson, told the New York Post, "If he was involved in secret societies, it was a secret that even I didn't know about," ominously adding, "But he did have some big secrets." Then—THWOK!—a ninja throwing star whizzed past Anderson's head, embedding itself in the wall next to her! "Whoops! Sorry 'bout that!" called Dave Coulier, standing up from his hiding place behind a dumpster. "Thought you were Tracy Morgan!" And then, with a puff of smoke, he disappeared.