RIHANNA Has very specific Christmas wishes.
RIHANNA Santa called and said, "No problem."

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 3

Today in yet another sterling example of the internet losing its goddamned mind: Girls creator Lena Dunham was the subject of sexual predator accusations (from right-wing idiots, of course) after including an anecdote in her new book, Not That Kind of Girl, about examining her little sister's vagina when she was a kid. In a nutshell, seven-year-old Lena's mom was explaining to her young daughter about the uterus, and how we're born with all the eggs we'll ever have. Curious li'l Lena decided to test this theory by taking a peek inside her one-year-old sister's vajayjay, and lo and behold, she found a bunch of pebbles in there! Cue "kids say and do the darndest things"... and then cue right-wing critic Kevin D. Williamson (of the National Review) basically accusing her of molesting her sister. Now, are we denying that Lena Dunham is a weirdo? No, we hold this truth to be self-evident. And are we denying that Lena tends to... ummm... how shall we put it... "overshare"? No, we are not. However, COME THE FUCK ON, YOU REPUBLICAN BUTTHOLES. Kids—even future Republican butthole kids—are naturally curious and of course they're going to explore their own bodies, and anyone else's that happens to be within arm's reach. What's most disturbing is the amount of attention right-wingers like Williamson give to the thought of touching children's bodies. That would be very suspicious... if we didn't know the only way misogynists can get a hard-on is by attempting to knock down women stronger than they are.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4

Speaking of Republican buttholes, they won a lot of elections tonight, reclaiming many governor seats as well as the US Senate. How could this have happened? Our esteemed editor here at the Mercury, Wm. Steven Humphrey, explained this phenomenon thusly on his Twatter machine: "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time by the drool of people who don't know how to vote in their own best interest." Yep... that pretty much explains it. MEANWHILE... One of our fave mouthy celebs, Rihanna, has been shooting off her mouth again—this time to Elle magazine. RiRi responded to a ton of quick questions with even quicker answers—most of which were designed to make you say, "Whaaaaa??" For example: Rihanna's worst fear? "Childbirth." One of her favorite albums? "Michael Bolton's Greatest Hits (1985-1995)." Her mantra? "Fuck bitches, get money!" And the number one thing on her Christmas list? "A big, trimmed dick!!" (We'll never look at our trimmed Christmas tree in the same way again.)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5

Speaking of ladies who love throwing wrenches into the works—guess who bucktoothed twerking sweetheart Miley Cyrus is reportedly dating these days? None other than 21-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger. Yes, that Patrick Schwarzenegger, the hunky son of Arnold Schwarzenegger and mom Maria Shriver. Shockingly, certain people in his family aren't exactly thrilled by the news. According to a source talking to Entertainment Tonight, mom Shriver has been attempting to talk the young man out of dating Miley, advising him to get back with one of his ex-girlfriends so he won't get sucked into "the Hollywood scene." Naturally, daddy Arnold chimed in as well, advising him, "It's not a tumor!!" (We're sorry... were you expecting maybe another Schwarzenegger joke?)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 6

The folks over at E! News have posed the following question: "Jon Gosselin is open to filming Couples Therapy with ex Kate Gosselin—would you watch the show?" In case you need a reminder, Jon and Kate Gosselin were the former stars of the TLC reality horror show Jon & Kate Plus Eight, whose relationship spectacularly imploded for the entire world to see, making each of these terrible parents a public pariah. Now the two have been approached to get counseling on the VH1 show Couples Therapy. "I was thinking Kate and I could do a televised sit-down with a doctor and work out our differences, because our kids are suffering," Jon told Life & Style. So far Kate has refused—but Jon thinks it's because she's ashamed of her behavior. "I'd love for her to finally admit she's dating [her bodyguard turned business manager]," Jon continued. "It's confusing for the children!" So. Let's return to the original question: "Jon Gosselin is open to filming Couples Therapy with ex Kate Gosselin—would you watch the show?" Our answer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! (Ahem.) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 7

In yet more proof that (gasp!) not everyone should be trusted with guns, former Major League Baseball steroid-abuser and current Twitter moron José Canseco shot off his finger. According to TMZ Sports, Canseco "blew his middle finger clear off his hand while cleaning his handgun at home in Las Vegas." For more, we turn to Canseco's Twitter, where, in five perfect tweets, he recounted the accident. Let us begin. (1) "Most thanks to my beautiful fiancé @ModelLeila for saving my life . She was so calm and handled everything perfectly like a doctor." Here's (2), which followed an interview with Inside Edition: "Just saw the inside edition piece . They completely edited out why I was so upset. It was bc I was traumatized I could have hurt Leila." (3) "I wasn't upset because of my finger at all. It was because I could have hurt my finance. Shame on them for not telling the entire story." (4) "For example they left out details like I was trying to clean 4 guns at the same time and no one should attempt that. I wish the media just once would tell the whole story In it's entirety ." And, finally, (5) "Dont care about anything anymore ..but the unconditional love from my forever love @ModelLeila . Everyone else get a life and leave me alone." Sounds like a plan, José.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 8

José Canseco is an idiot, but Amy Schumer is an American hero. "We can say 'pussy' now!" gleefully exclaimed Jessi Klein, the head writer for the brilliant Inside Amy Schumer, at a Paley Center panel, announcing that Comedy Central is no longer bleeping out the word "pussy." "It was a great moment in US history," Klein added. According to Schumer, it was Executive Producer Dan Powell who "decided it wasn't fair that they bleep the word 'pussy.'" "Because you are allowed to say the word 'dick' on Comedy Central," Klein said. And so when Powell wrote a letter to Comedy Central ("That was Dan's Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," Schumer says), it "struck a chord." And now Amy Schumer gets to say "pussy." God bless you, Amy Schumer, and god bless America.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 9

What's this? Oh, just another reminder that rich people aren't only better, healthier, and happier than you, they can also buy each other really nice presents! Unlike the $25 Applebee's gift card Hubby Kip surprised us with for our last anniversary (of which he'd already spent $23.47 on a Quesadilla Burger and an Apple Chimicheesecake), TMZ reports that this weekend Angelina Jolie bought a $250,000 wedding present for Brad Pitt—"the last typewriter Ernest Hemingway used before killing himself." Awwww! For reaction, we turn to Ernest Hemingway's ghost, who is, alas, eternally shackled to the machine he last used. "Come to Papa!" the amorphous shroud of softly glowing ectoplasm bellowed when asked how he felt about his new digs at Casa de Brangelina. "This is where I've always wanted to live! Now not only can I haunt Brad by whispering obscure The Sun Also Rises trivia into his ear when he thinks he's all alone, but I can also hide ever so craftily in the steam from Angie's showers! I call that a win-win!" Ernest Hemingway's ghost then attempted to drain an entire bottle of vermouth, and in the process totally ruined a rug Angelina had brought back all the way from Tanzania.