JADEN SMITH This is what happens when your kids attend "Emperor Klaktu University."
JADEN SMITH Oh yes, Jaden and Willow have it allllll figured out.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 17

Now we're not saying that Will Smith is a Scientologist (though many others do)—we're just saying Scientology is weird, and Will's kids Jaden and Willow Smith are weird... so you do the math. Today Jaden and Willow gave an interview to the New York Times magazine blog, and it's a cross between Clueless and the last 40 minutes of Apocalypse Now. Here are some excerpts (don't try any calculus problems while reading this... your brain won't be able to handle it): When asked what books they're currently reading, Willow responds "Quantum physics. Osho," while Jaden replies, "The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life and ancient texts; things that can't be pre-dated." (OH REALLY.) When asked about their "experience of time," 14-year-old Willow says, "for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please—and that's how I know it doesn't exist." (Good to know!) Meanwhile, 16-year-old Jaden says that "how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. But on the level of being here on Earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds. But it's also such a thing that you can get lost in." "Because living," Willow responds. "YES! YES!! BECAUSE LIVING!!" squealed Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu from atop his throne of skulls on the distant planet of Rigel VII. "Dudes. We are SO glad Prince Jaden and Princess Willow will be ruling alongside Empress Suri Cruise on that great day of Scientology's intergalactic reckoning. It's gonna be WICKED GNARLY, brah... as long as the kind bud doesn't run out, y'know. HEY! Pass the bong, Daddy Klaktu needs a rip. Ooh... then we can go to Wendy's!"

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18

Eighteen: As of press time, that's how many women have come out to accuse Bill Cosby of sexual assault. But on Tuesday, it was still 15 and the latest person to tell their story was former supermodel Janice Dickinson, who shared her horrifying story with Entertainment Tonight. Summoned by Cosby in 1982 to discuss her singing career and a possible guest shot on his TV show, Dickinson claims the comedian gave her a glass of wine and a pill. "...The last thing I remember was [Cosby] dropping his robe and getting on top of me," Dickinson recalls. "I remember a lot of pain... I remember waking up with my pajamas off and there was semen in between my legs." UNNGGHHHH. Apparently NBC had a similar reaction to so many similar stories, killing a proposed sitcom starring Cosby as the family patriarch to three daughters and their children. Annoyingly, there are those who are all too happy to jump to the star's defense, while blaming the victims. (At his sold-out show in Florida this week, Cosby received a standing ovation.) However, whomever we choose to believe, we should consider this reminder from the Atlantic's Ta-Nehisi Coates, who wrote, "Believing Bill Cosby does not require you to take one person's word over another—it requires you to take one person's word over 15 others." (And now 18.)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 19

Congratulations (?) to convicted mass murderer Charles Manson, who's planning on marrying a 26-year-old woman in the coming months. The 80-year-old Manson—who's serving a life sentence for orchestrating the 1969 murder of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate—is engaged to wed Afton Elaine Burton, who has spent the last nine years trying to prove Manson's innocence. Burton, who calls herself "Star," told the AP she would marry the swastika-bearing murderer next month, saying, "It's going to happen. I love him. I'm with him. There's all kinds of things." Yes, indeed. There are "all kinds of things." (We'd love to hear what Jaden and Willow Smith would have to say about this.)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20

Sooooo... what's Justin Bieber up to this week? Racing his canary yellow Lambo through a school for the deaf? Throwing eggs at a mosque? Peeing on a copy of Anne Frank's diary? NOPE. It's far more unbelievable: According to TMZ, Justin Bieber is currently holed up with a pastor for two weeks just outside Palm Springs, where he's allegedly getting right with God. Sources say that Biebs has renounced alcohol, weed, and the devil's minions (AKA his former troublemaking pals) to reform himself and set out on a new tour—to spread the word of the Lord. (And just when we thought he couldn't become any more insufferable. Standing ovation to you, Biebs! You never fail to fail.)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21

People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue has awarded this year's prize to Chris Hemsworth—which is fine by us, dears, as Chris' shirtless scenes have been the only things even remotely interesting in four damned hours of Thor movies where everyone talks like British asthmatics stuck in a Dungeons & Dragons game. But the internet—as it's wont to do—promptly took umbrage with People's choice, demanding, via gifs and hashtags, to know why Ryan Gosling STILL hasn't won People's "award." For good reason, an insider tells the Wrap: "They tried a few times, especially during his huge year in 2011," the source gabs—but claims that Gosling's team repeatedly turned People down. "The consensus was he's too serious for it, too artsy." Meanwhile, People's Editorial Director Jess Cagle got defensive. "While I look forward to the day when Ryan Gosling is named Sexiest Man Alive, this was not his year," he said. "Our 2014 honoree Chris Hemsworth was our first and only choice. If you want to know why, just look at him. I mean, seriously." That's a very good suggestion, Jess, and we're about to take you up on it. Hubby Kip? Go out and entertain yourself. We need some... personal time.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22

Kim Kardashian's trip to India has been cancelled "because of apparent visa troubles," according to Time. So long as those "visa troubles" were the result of India refusing to let any and all Kardashians inside its borders, we find that perfectly reasonable. Nice work, India! All other countries on Earth: Let's follow India's lead!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 23

Portland's gentrification debate—which has sprung up due to the fact that Portlanders can no longer afford to, you know, live here—took an unexpected turn this week as KOIN News reported that along the heavily gentrified N Williams and Shaver streets, "notices were plastered on 14 front doors and storefronts." The complete text of those notices? "YOU HAVE BEEN TARGETED BY THE JUGGALO FAMILY TO GET THE FUCK OUT. VACATE OR SUCK OUR DICKS." Ah, Juggalos! The members of that fun-loving "family" of Insane Clown Posse fans apparently took a break from listening to ICP for just long enough to print up a few flyers and scatter them around—before guzzling some Faygo and slipping back into their (increasingly cost-prohibitive) carnival-themed houses. Or did they? Juggalos and Juggalettes quickly took to the True Juggalo Family Facebook group to defend themselves! "That ain't true. Fuck that. We are good people. This is discrimination we outlawed discrimination we have right just like anyone else," one Juggalo posted. "obviously not a real juggalo because they promote love and understanding among mankind," posted "Tyler TheMohawk," while another Juggalo wrote that it was "Illuminati puppets tryina wreck our name." "I believe that its the fbi trying to fuck us completely," another posted, while a Juggalette perhaps summed it up best, even though she didn't blame the FBI or the Illuminati: "I bet somebody did this shit to make us los and lettes look bad," the brave Juggalette wrote. "Real fam don't do shit like that ! Whoop whoop fam." Whoop whoop indeed, Juggalos and Juggalettes. Whoop whoop indeed.