MONDAY, JUNE 8 How does one tell if one is "unlikeable"? Well, in the case of washed-up vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, it's when one can't take a fucking joke. Late night host David Letterman poked fun at Palin and her easily impregnated brood on his show tonight, commenting on her trip to NYC. "One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game," Letterman joked. "During the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." Now, in Palin's defense, it was 14-year-old daughter Willow Palin at the game, rather than Bristol "Abstinence for Everyone Except Me" Palin. And though it was clearly Bristol who Letterman was joking about, that didn't stop Mama Palin from hopping on a wild stallion of righteous indignation. "Laughter incited by sexually perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting," Palin moralized, "but it reminds us some Hollywood/NY entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands—that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments..." OH, SHUT UP! Jesus Christ, what a goddamn boring blabbermouth she is! It's no wonder she's a national laughingstock! And her husband Todd "I Race Snowmobiles!" Palin is just as bad (though thankfully less longwinded). "Any jokes about raping my 14-year-old are despicable," Todd said to Fox News, in between tobacco spits. "Alaskans know it, and I believe the rest of the world knows it too." Two things, Todd: (1) Letterman wasn't talking about Willow, but you already know that, and (2) At least you're offering some new information. We had no idea Alaskans think rape is despicable! Learn something new every day.
TUESDAY, JUNE 9 While we're ordinarily not much of a fan of Donald Trump or his overused catchphrase, we were tickled pink today when the weirdly coiffed billionaire told Carrie Prejean (AKA Miss Homophobe California), "YOU'RE FIRED!" According to multiple news sources, Prejean—who loudly voiced her opposition to same-sex marriage during the Miss USA pageant, and has gone on to become the poster girl for the conservative/religious right—has been dethroned after racking up a number of contract violations, which appar- ently includes being a real P-in-the-A to work with. Of course, Prejean doesn't see it that way. "[The Miss California Organization] doesn't agree with the stance that I took [on Proposition 8]," Prejean told TMZ.com. "They don't like me. From day one they wanted me out, and they got what they wanted." Boo-hoo-HOO. We would wager it has less to do with her stance on same-sex marriage, and more to do with the perception that she's a spoiled princess who thinks her good looks make it okay to be a real beaver in the workplace. As for the rest of us, she's right: Her stance on Prop 8 is bigoted and stupid; ergo, we don't like her. Best of luck in the unemployment line, Carrie!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10 Speaking of bigots, some horrible news from the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, DC... 88-year-old white supremacist and Holocaust denier James von Brunn shot and killed one of the museum's security guards today. Security guard Stephen Tyrone Johns was apparently opening the door and trying to help the aged man inside when von Brunn raised his rifle, fired, and ensured himself a special place in hell. As if it weren't ensured already. MEANWHILE... In far cuter news, Politico.com reported today that when a preteen attending President Obama's town hall meeting in Wisconsin feared she may get in trouble by skipping school, the president wrote the following note for her: "To Kennedy's teacher, Please excuse Kennedy's absence... She's with me. Barack Obama." Now that's a good president! (Where was he when we were in elementary school?)
THURSDAY, JUNE 11 In Hollyweird relationship news: Britney Spears is now dating her agent, and Papa "Grand Overlord" Spears couldn't be happier! (It's in the Britney Spears Employee Handbook that all male employees must be castrated prior to their first day on the job.) MEANWHILE... Socialite Paris Hilton is dunzo with beau Doug Reinhardt (of The Hills), and within 24 hours of the breakup, she was already spotted sucking the tonsils out of Portuguese soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo's mouth! Totally understandable, considering Portugal's questionable hospital conditions. MEANWHILE... Are Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson back together? Exhibit A: The former lesbo-rific duo has been traveling companions in London for the past week. Exhibit B: Lindy is sporting a huge rock on her marrying finger. Exhibit C: On the day of their departure, LiLo twatted on Twitter, "Leaving London but with my favorite favorite!!!-travel buddy & great news to share!! Maybe...." Exhibit D: It's Paris, and not LiLo, who's sucking the tonsils out of some poor sucker's mouth.
FRIDAY, JUNE 12 So remember on Wednesday, we when we were all, "Now that's a good president!"? Welllll.... Late last night the Obama administration expressed its support for the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), the law that allows states to refuse to recognize same-sex marriages. And yes, the Obama administration did this despite the fact that while campaigning, Obama vowed to overturn DOMA. Dammit, Barack. For a while, you were doing so good.
SATURDAY, JUNE 13 "There can be no question that the June 12, 2009, Iranian presidential election was stolen," wrote reporter Laura Secor today on The New Yorker's website. While Iran's incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims to have won the country's presidential election by a landslide, hundreds of thousands of Iranians insist that reformist candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi was the actual winner, based on countless instances of anecdotal evidence. In response, Ahmadinejad's administration shut down Iran's internet and cell phone networks, and massive protests filled the chaotic streets of Tehran. Despite the government's attempts at suppression, first-person accounts of police brutality came to the fore not through traditional outlets (as camera crews for NBC and ABC had their equipment confiscated, the BBC was ordered out of the country, and CNN bewilderingly decided to forego live coverage from Iran in favor of a repeat of Larry King interviewing the stars of American Chopper) but rather via YouTube and Twitter. "Cable news is useless, but we knew that already," wrote Andrew Sullivan on his blog for The Atlantic, where he compiled many of Tehran's most relevant videos and Tweets. "The future [of journalism] is a fusion of MSM [mainstream media] tradition and new media open-source news gathering, aggregating, editing, filtering." Some of the Tweets Sullivan highlighted: "Hospitals around Tehran are surrounded by security forces who refuse to let those with injuries pass, humanity at its worst," "My Father has a truck load of ballot boxes that were to be burned in the back of his truck," "I can't find my friends on streets," and "sources from Tehran: ppl are killed, ppl are in blood, tehran is hell."
SUNDAY, JUNE 14 Now that we're done talking about trifling things like, y'know, the complete meltdown of a major Middle Eastern nation, Hubby Kip is threatening to throw a tantrum if we don't report on whatever dumb thing his latest crush, Transformers harlot Megan Fox, is telling people this week. SIGH... "I'm currently what you might call single, I guess," the young hussy said while in Berlin to promote her latest giant-robots-punching-each-other masterpiece. One candidate desperately auditioning to be Fox's new boy toy? Her doofy Transformers costar, Shia LaBeouf! "I'd date her, of course!" LaBeef giddily told reporters, making everyone within earshot kinda uncomfortable. "She's beautiful! She's amazing!" IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... Hubby Kip has been in the basement for six hours, clumsily duct-taping together all of our old Manolo Blahnik shoeboxes to make "a sweet Optimus Prime costume." "She's gotta be impressed by that, right?" was the last thing we heard before we came upstairs and made ourselves no less than five exceedingly stiff martinis.