MILEY CYRUS Miley's birthday party: Another exercise in subtlety.
MILEY CYRUS Another year, another mechanical penis bull.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24

Happy birthday to One Day's fave buck-toothed twerker, Miley Cyrus, who turned a ripened 22 years old this weekend. As usual, she spent her special day in a suitably subtle manner—wearing a fuzzy neon pink jacket and partying her brains out at LA's Beacher's Madhouse, where she licked a pizza-themed communal birthday cake with her white, pasty tongue (unsanitary), and rode a penis-shaped mechanical bull. As a parting gift, Miley gave all of her guests hepatitis shots. Now that's thinking ahead. MEANWHILE... In a decision that surprised absolutely no one, Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson was not indicted by a grand jury in the shooting death of 18-year-old Michael Brown. Also absolutely unsurprising: America went apeshit. From Los Angeles to New York and Atlanta (and to a lesser degree here in Portland), thousands of protesters took to the streets tonight, howling with fury over our broken justice system. And as details emerged from Officer Wilson's colorful testimony—in which he said he panicked because of Brown's appearance, claiming the teen resembled "a demon" the size of "Hulk Hogan"—the country's frustration grew. It also didn't help that St. Louis County Prosecutor Robert P. McCulloch took the unusual approach of presenting evidence to the grand jury as if it were a real trial—except without the necessary cross-examination, which is kind of important when trying to establish whether someone is guilty or innocent. In other words, this has all happened before... and until the justice system takes a good hard look at its practices, it will all happen again.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 25

Scientology escapee Katie Holmes visited Ellen DeGeneres' talk show today to share daughter Suri Cruise's "very organized" Christmas wish list. According to Katie, Suri said, "I want a [real] puppy with a pink collar that has sparkles on it that says the puppy's name. And I want shoes for the dog, and a purple clip, and...." "HOLD ON, HOLD ON! I ONLY HAVE EIGHT TENTACLES," squealed frantic Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "Obviously, nothing's too good for the future empress of the universe! I just want to get this straight. Okay: real puppy, pink collar, sparkles, puppy name on collar, shoes... wait. Earth dogs wear shoes? Whatever. Purple clip... wait, dogs wear hair clips? Never mind! Whatever thou desire, thou shalt receive, o grand, exalted Suri Cruise! (Hmm... having trouble locating an 'earth puppy,' but I'll bet she finds Gollarian Mucus Eels as adorable as I do! And they look very smart in shoes.)" MEANWHILE... After an initially tepid response to the non-indictment of Ferguson Officer Darren Wilson, Portland protesters came roaring back with an hours-long march that temporarily blocked many major streets downtown and in Southeast. While police reaction was admirably restrained (that would change during Saturday's protests), and most of the crowd was well behaved, there is always a small contingent of a-holes lousing it up for everyone. For example, the a-holes who threw rocks, punched drivers, and especially the a-holes who marched around brandishing an AK-47 rifle and handgun, loudly proclaiming their right to "open carry." (Something tells us they not only missed the point of this march, but thousands of points throughout their lives.)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 26

And now, even more evidence that comedian and accused serial rapist Bill Cosby is less than a stellar human being. According to Page Six, an unnamed journalist—then working for the National Enquirer—related a story about Cosby in 1989 at the height of his fame, in which he was caught cavorting with showgirls in Las Vegas. In order to kill the story before it reached publication, Cosby allegedly gave them something else to write about: his daughter's battle with drug and alcohol abuse. "Cosby was the source [for the story]," the reporter said. "He ratted out his flesh and blood." (For those keeping score at home, Cosby's list of accusers now stands at 20... though it's still early in the week.)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 27

Happy Thanksgiving! (Yayyyy!) Let's check in on the Kardashians! (Booooooo.) According to Radar Online, the Kardashian family spent a joyous holiday together... with two notable exceptions. Missing from the party was Kardashian "momster" Kris Jenner, whose insistence on spending T-day with her 25-year-old boy toy Corey Gamble allegedly sent the rest of the family scurrying to daughter Khloé Kardashian's pad. Also notably absent? Kim's globetrotting hubby Kanye West who, according to Page Six, was spotted dining at Ralph Lauren's restaurant in Paris with two friends. No reason was given for missing the Kardashian's Thanksgiving get-together—but let's assume it's because he's not as crazy as he looks.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28

Forget about Thanksgiving: America's One True Holiday took place today, as Black Friday swept the nation! Well, sort of, since these days, Black Friday starts on Thanksgiving. This year, companies like Target, Walmart, Old Navy, Macy's, Sears, Best Buy, and Toys "R" Us were happy to cut short their employees' Thanksgivings in order to rake in some extra cash—and host some protests. "At Walmart stores across the country, workers staged Black Friday protests, chanting 'Shut Walmart down!' and reminding shoppers that some employees of the nation's largest retailer rely on food stamps to feed their families," the New York Times reported. "Still, Walmart reported brisk traffic overnight. The retailer, based in Bentonville, Arkansas, said that 22 million shoppers streamed through stores across the country on Thanksgiving Day. That is more than the number of people who visit Disney's Magic Kingdom in an entire year." Yep. That sounds about right. AND NOW, A MOMENT OF REFLECTION... In past installments of One Day at a Time, we've gleefully mocked those throwing elbows and curb-stomping old ladies in order to get cheap TVs. But while the greed of an underemployed, cash-strapped America remains as depressing as ever, are we the only ones who thought that this Black Friday seemed even grosser than usual? With the recession still dragging on, many Americans simply can't afford basic household supplies—so can we really fault them for rushing out on the one day of the year they can afford them? Perhaps the bigger culprits behind Black Friday are the companies that happily exploit Americans' increasing poverty—not to mention Americans' increasingly unattainable dreams of basic comfort. And with that... happy holidays, everybody!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 29

Rest in peace, Kirk Douglas, who, as People reports, "died TK TK TK"—wait a minute! That's not right! Kirk Douglas is still alive! But that didn't stop People from accidentally posting a Kirk Douglas obituary on its website today. While it's not uncommon for news organizations to have obits ready to go for celebrities who're likely to die soon (such as the 97-year-old Douglas, or the 28-year-old Amanda Bynes), it is uncommon for those pieces to accidentally see print—especially when their headlines, as People's, read "DO NOT PUB Kirk Douglas Dies." IN RELATED NEWS... Beloved Hollywood icon Kirk Douglas—who starred in such classics as Spartacus, Paths of Glory, and Ace in the Hole, is nearly 98 years old and will probably die very soon—was reportedly very upset about People's gaffe... once he found someone who could explain the internet.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30

A few days ago at Los Angeles' AMC Universal CityWalk Stadium 19 movie theater, a "youngster in the upper rows" shouted "That's my man, Nolan!" during a screening of Christopher Nolan's Interstellar, according to the Hollywood Reporter. While normally this would be just one more obnoxious teenager being obnoxious, it turns out this teen was extra obnoxious, because (1) he was, according to the Reporter, wearing "an authentic-looking space suit" throughout the entire film, and (2) he was Jaden Smith. Smith, as you might remember, gave an amazing, brain-addled, and probably Scientology-fueled interview to the New York Times magazine last week (a sample quote, about time: "If you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds. But it's also such a thing that you can get lost in"), and also showed up at the wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West wearing an all-white Batman costume, complete with a little pointy-eared mask, which he wore for the entire wedding. IN CONCLUSION... Jaden Smith might be our new favorite person, and we sure wish he'd been in the theater when we had to sit through all 14 hours of Interstellar.