MONDAY, DECEMBER 1
Today America is still justifiably INSANE following last week's latest miscarriage of justice—the Ferguson grand jury's failure to indict Officer Darren Wilson, who shot and killed Michael Brown. This makes it the perfect time to listen intently to an angry voice of reason... and who better than the angrily reasonable (and funny) Chris Rock, who voiced many of his opinions in an interview with New York magazine. When asked about racial progress in America, here's what Chris had to say: "When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it's all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people were crazy. Now they're not as crazy. To say that black people have made progress would be to say they deserve what happened to them before. So to say Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress. There's been black people qualified to be president for hundreds of years." He went on to say, "The advantage that my children have [now] is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let's hope America keeps producing nicer white people." Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen. If anything, he's overqualified to be president.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2
BREAKING: Kim Kardashian invented big butts. In the latest edition of Elle UK magazine, America's most loathed harpy took credit for changing the world's attitudes toward women with large breasts and/or bottoms. "I grew up when the body to have was the tall, slim, supermodel one, like Cindy Crawford's. No one looked like me. It's good to break the mold, and recreate one." In a related story, Kim Kardashian also invented penicillin. MEANWHILE... A large crowd gathered tonight for the Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony, where diva Mariah Carey was scheduled to appear on television and sing. Instead she made the crowd wait for hours while she gabbed on the phone with her lawyer about her ongoing divorce proceedings. NBC honchos were so furious, they initially cancelled her appearance—but then allowed her to sing live on Wednesday night. Unfortunately for the world, she sounded like a bag of cats being thrown into a cement mixer, and therefore ruined Christmas for everyone FOREVER. Nice going, Mariah.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3
And JUST when you thought it couldn't get any worse: Today a grand jury from Staten Island was the latest group of morons to disappoint and infuriate the nation by failing to indict a NYC police officer in the choking death of a black man and father of six, Eric Garner. Seriously, it hasn't even been A WEEK since the epic fail of the Ferguson grand jury, and this time? The jury had more blatant proof of officer misconduct than ever. Garner was allegedly attempting to sell loose cigarettes when Officer Daniel Pantaleo put him in a chokehold, causing him to gasp, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe" repeatedly until he died. And it was all caught on videotape. And yet? This still wasn't enough to convince a grand jury to indict, therefore causing America to go justifiably INSANE... AGAIN, and take to the streets for repeated nights of protest. While the US Department of Justice has announced it will open a civil rights inquiry into the death of Garner, it's hard not to think of the justice system as a complete and utterly unfunny joke. Because as Eric Garner's widow, Esaw Garner, said when asked about receiving an apology from Officer Pantaleo, "The time for remorse for the death of my husband was when he was yelling to breathe."
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4
It's ridiculous that it takes someone like Miley Cyrus to make us laugh again—but she does it so very well. Tonight Miley attended and performed at Art Basel, Miami's "premier modern and contemporary art show," where she put on a glittery wig, sequined pasties over her nipples, smoked pot onstage, pummeled the crowd with stories about how her dog (who was eaten by a coyote) made her realize everything she was doing "was meaningless," and then sang a song called "Twinkle," written after her friend's dead cat spoke to her in a dream. Following this performance, she was later seen at a bar with boyfriend Patrick Schwarzenegger, where—right in front of him—she began deeply tongue-kissing 33-year-old Paris Hilton. WOW. We mean... WOW. As "artists" go, Miley kind of makes Banksy look like a big pile of shit, doesn't she?
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5
Mark Wahlberg—in an effort to get a concessionaire's license, so as to better run his family's esteemed chain of burger joints, Wahlburgers—is asking to be pardoned for crimes he was convicted for in Boston in 1988, when he was 16. Those crimes? Hitting a Vietnamese man "in the head with a wooden stick while trying to steal two cases of alcohol in front of a convenience store," says USA Today. According to documents on the Smoking Gun, Wahlberg also shouted "Vietnam fucking shit!" while attacking the man, and made "numerous unsolicited racial statements" after being arrested—which happened after he ran up to another Vietnamese man while trying to escape and punched that man (who, as a result of the assault, was permanently blinded in one eye). Charming! (And that's not all! Prosecutors also accused Wahlberg and two friends of "chasing and throwing rocks at black schoolchildren.") Wahlberg served 45 days in jail for the assaults—and now, in his petition for a pardon, the 43-year-old Marky Mark insists that in addition to becoming "a successful music artist, actor, and film and television producer," he's "raised millions of dollars for charity and donated his time and efforts for philanthropic causes." (He's referring to starring in Transformers 4, we assume.) Here's a PR tip, celebs: Maaaaybe don't remind everybody that you were once a violent, hateful little shit? Or if you do, maybe use it as an opportunity to make things better—and not as an unintended side effect of opening up more Wahlburgers? Given that Wahlberg has apparently been too busy for the past 26 years to make amends with his victims, maybe that would be a better thing to do before asking the legal system for forgiveness. Or before starring in Transformers 5.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6
Grumpy Cat—who recently appeared in the Lifetime TV movie Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever—"has earned more than Hollywood stars Nicole Kidman, Cameron Diaz, Matt Damon, and even Oscar-winner Matthew McConaughey," according to British tabloid Express, which talked to Grumpy Cat's owner, 28-year-old Tabatha Bundesen, who cares for/cashes in on the cat that "has a permanent scowl on her face due to feline dwarfism." Bundesen reveals that through merchandise and endorsement deals (like Grumpy Cat's new iced coffee brand, "Grumppuccino"), and jaw-clenchingly awful Lifetime movies, Grumpy Cat has amassed a fortune of $100 million. Just to reiterate: A cat with feline dwarfism is richer than 99.99 percent of all people on Earth—and while hunger, poverty, and disease still have yet to be solved, Grumpy Cat's chief concern is selling Grumppuccino. This is the world we live in, dears, and it couldn't get any worse. OH, GODDAMMIT. WE SPOKE TOO SOON... TMZ has snapped pics outside of Soho House in West Hollywood that make Amal Clooney look pregnant... which might explain why our formerly beloved, formerly avowed bachelor George Clooney finally tied the knot! This is obviously horrible news, and we wish nothing but the best for that horrid Amal and her horrid little fetus. Now this world couldn't get any worse.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7
TGI Fridays' publicity stunt this holiday season is "Mobile Mistletoe"—a remote-controlled drone that dangles mistletoe and can be flown around its restaurants, encouraging couples to kiss while distracting them from the fact they couldn't find anywhere better to go on a date than TGI Fridays. Naturally, the proud imagineers at TGI Fridays invited press to check out their remarkably obnoxious invention, and in New York, reporters from the Brooklyn Daily did just that—at which point, Gizmodo reports, two drones, a "10-inch quadcopter" and a "large 23-inch drone with six rotors and no prop guards" were unleashed in the busy restaurant. And then... well, then... "It literally chipped off a tip of my nose," photographer Georgine Benvenuto told the Brooklyn Daily, while "using tissues to stanch the blood." "It took off part of my nose and cut me here, right under my chin." And with that, dears, we wish you the happiest of holiday seasons—and remind you not to go within 100 yards of any TGI Fridays until Christmas is over. Not that you were going to anyway. But still.