AS YOU KNOW, darlings, One Day at a Time is your weekly skinny-dip into a steaming pool of the most grotesque gossip from Tinselturd. But who's the most grotesque of them all? Let's find out in our annual roundup we like to call The Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2014 Ever! Behold! The TOP NINE MOST ICKY NOMINEES.
#9 CHARLIZE THERON
She may be a newcomer to One Day, but Charlize entered with a bang!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6 In Touch Weekly recently reported a run-in between film star Charlize Theron and barely remembered TV celeb Tia Mowry (of ABC's 1994 sitcom Sister, Sister) at LA's posh SoulCycle spin class. Apparently Tia spotted Charlize and stopped to say "hi." Charlize reportedly responded to this grave insult by "rolling her eyes" and moaning, "Oh GOD." Tia informed In Touch of this slight, and as a result? Charlize is on the warpath! Gossip site Dish Nation says that after seeing the article, Charlize went absolutely BANANNERS, stomping right into the SoulCycle offices. According to an insider, "[Charlize] demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back." She then allegedly screeched at the owners, "This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me, but I can't expect you to protect me from hangers-on in your studio?" Your point has been made, Charlize: One Day at a Time will never ignore you again!
#8 GWYNETH PALTROW
Everything Gwyneth does drives us INSANE. And while her "conscious uncoupling" from doorknob hubby Chris Martin was insane enough, for some reason, this drove us the most SUPER-DUPER INSANEST.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 Today Gwyneth Paltrow's insufferable lifestyle website Goop featured a step-by-step tutorial on "Making the Perfect Bed." Paltrow's four steps boasted a treasure trove of valuable tips for anyone who's never seen a bed before, and there are all sorts of thrilling bed-making discoveries Paltrow appears to have just made—like being sure to put on the "Fitted sheet first," then placing "the flat sheet on next, squaring it evenly." Oh! So that's how you do it! There are a few surprises in there ("Place whatever blanket you are going to use over the fitted sheet and square it"), and even a part about—wait for it—duvet covers. From us ordinary mortals to you, Gwyneth: Thank you. Thank you so, so much, for finally teaching us how to make our beds. We can't even think of what we did before you came along. We think it was called the Dark Ages.
#7 BOB COSTAS' PINKEYE
This is sincerely the only thing we remember from this year's Winter Olympics.
FRIDAY, MARCH 7 And now, a stomach-clenching phrase that will stalk your nightmares... BOB COSTAS' PINKEYE. Page Six is reporting that the disgusting bacterial infection seen 'round the world—which made Costas give up hosting the Olympics—was, in fact, due to... well, take it away, anonymous Page Six source! "Bob's eye infection was due to botched Botox," the source reveals. "This isn't the first time he's had it." (Whether the source means this isn't the first time Costas has had Botox or if this isn't the first time Costas' eyes looked like they were trying to crawl out of his face is up to the reader's interpretation.)
#6 KIM KARDASHIAN/KANYE WEST
True love? HAH! By auctioning off everything from video rights to wedding photos, Kim Kardashian raked in a whopping $21 million from her wedding to Kanye West—$3 million more than her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries! And that is why Kardashians get married.
MONDAY, MAY 26 As clearly predicted in the Book of Revelation, cloven-hoofed succubus Kim Kardashian and her brainwashed minion Kanye West were married last Saturday in Florence, Italy. HIGHLIGHT #1: Blood rained from the sky as the earth opened, and innocent victims fell screaming into a lake of fire. HIGHLIGHT #2: Supposed "best buds" Beyoncé and Jay-Z skipped the wedding to hang out on the beach in the Hamptons. Because... who wouldn't? HIGHLIGHT #3: Young Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith, attended Kim and Kanye's wedding ceremony dressed in an all-white Batman suit—thereby ruining every single wedding picture he appeared in. Note to Jaden Smith: You are our hero... forever.
#5 SHIA LaBEOUF
Pro tip: If one doesn't want to be perceived as a pompous ass, then one might consider not acting like a pompous ass.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 10 Actor Shia LaBeouf has been drowning in hot water lately... thanks to plagiarizing the work of comics creator Daniel Clowes, and then hiring a skywriter to write "I'M SORRY DANIEL CLOWES" in the sky above Los Angeles (Clowes lives in the Bay Area). Well, the Shia Saga is apparently over: "In light of the recent attacks against my artistic integrity, I am retiring from all public life," LaBeef tweeted today. "My love goes out to those who have supported me," he added, and then, a little while later: "I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE." Immediately following his announcement, the now non-famous actor was spotted walking around LA wearing a paper bag on his head, because... what—a—dipshit.
#4 JUSTIN BIEBER
While still a douchebag of the highest order, Justin Bieber was slightly less douchey this year, slipping from his position as "Worst Person 2013!" to the slightly less terrible number four slot. (Congratulations?)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 14 How much does America hate Justin Bieber? Enough to send 11 sheriff cars and a "BATTERING RAM UNIT" to the little douchebag's home after he was accused of egging a neighbor's house. The incident took place last week, when a neighbor caught Bieber throwing eggs at his front door, and later, at the neighbor himself. Because everything in this particular neighborhood is oh-so-fancy, the egging caused an estimated $20,000 in damage (???), which raises this otherwise minor crime to a felony, and so? WEEE-OOOO-WEEE-OOOO, 11 police cars and the aforementioned "BATTERING RAM UNIT” descended upon Justin's mansion. While the cops did not use the "BATTERING RAM UNIT" to enter Bieber's house (frowny face emoticon!), they did confine Justin in his garage, confiscate his phone, and search the premises—maybe for leftover eggs?
#3 GEORGE CLOONEY
For years we sang the lustful praises of our number one dreamboat, George Clooney—that is until he smashed, smashed, SMASHED our fragile heart into a billion pieces by marrying garbage bride Amal Alamuddin. Welcome to the WORST EVER list, George.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 "Under an arch of imported white roses, Clooney, 53, and his bride, 36, exchanged vows that they wrote themselves," Us cruelly reports from picturesque Venice. Naturally, Rome's former mayor Walter Veltroni—"a personal friend of Clooney's"—conducted the ceremony, and a source gabs that, "Clooney held Amal's hand when saying part of his vows." Of course he did. The ceremony was followed by a five-course meal served on "24-karat gold-rimmed bone china," "under 20 modern art paintings hand-picked by Alamuddin," and surrounded by candles and white roses. We wish the happy couple nothing but the very best, and if you'll excuse us, we now need to have our own reception, which involves an entire box of Franzia and three boxes of Kleenex. In addition, WE HATE YOU FOREVER, GEORGE CLOONEY!!
#2 BILL COSBY
UGH. Just... UGH.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14 Ugh. Let's get this one over with, dears: Once beloved by anyone who's ever seen a second of The Cosby Show, the now-77-year-old Bill Cosby continues to creep everybody out by refusing to respond to repeated allegations of rape—most recently in an NPR interview, when Cosby replied with stony silence to questions about the allegations. (An awful reminder: In 2005, Cosby settled with Andrea Constand, who, along with 13 other women, alleged Cosby raped her; more recently, Barbara Bowman wrote a piece for the Washington Post in which she claimed that as a teenager, she suffered repeated assaults from the comedian.) Cosby's lawyer, John P. Schmitt, wasn't quite as tight-lipped as his client, insisting that "the fact [the allegations] are being repeated does not make them true" and that "Mr. Cosby does not intend to dignify these allegations with any comment." Okay—but the fact that so many women are coming forward with similar accounts, while Cosby refuses to address their statements? It doesn't look good. Again: Ugh.
And the number one, most terrible, abysmal person (or persons) of 2014... will be announced in next week's column! Tune in then for the horror that awaits! Mmmmwwahh!