MONDAY, JUNE 15 Question time! Who's more annoying: washed-up former veep wannabe Sarah Palin, or Iran? Well, there is no incorrect answer, because BOTH are acting like total beavers today. BEAVER #1! According to CNN, Iran is currently in turmoil because their presidential election has been allegedly stolen by a hard-liner incumbent. (Hmm... why does this story sound so familiar?) Hundreds of thousands of protesters stormed "Freedom Square" in Tehran today after ultra-conservative incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the national election with more than 62 percent of the vote—even though presidential (and more liberal) candidate Hossein Moussavi was considered to be a shoe-in for the office. (Later in the week it was discovered that there were more votes tallied than actual voters. Again, hmmmm....) BEAVER #2! After late-show talk host David Letterman apologized AGAIN for unintentionally offending "Queen Beav" Sarah Palin's 14-year-old daughter, the former veep candidate finally decided to ungracefully accept his mea culpa. "Of course [his apology] is accepted on behalf of young women, like my daughters, who hope men who 'joke' about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve," Palin's painfully longwinded statement began. "Letterman certainly has the right to 'joke' about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have the right to express our reaction. And this is all thanks to our US military women and men putting their lives on the line for—." SHUT... UP! SHUT... UP! CAN SOMEONE MAKE THIS BEAVER SHUT... THE... FUCK... UP?!? (Ahem. Sorry. And thanks to our brave people in the military who continue to defend our inalienable right to call Sarah Palin a beaver.)
TUESDAY, JUNE 16 After reading the following entry, one may be inclined to ask, "How can one person get into so much trouble within a 24-hour period?" It's really not that hard... especially if that one person happens to be Lindsay Lohan! EXAMPLE 1: Linds was spotted at NYC's the Box, where a clubgoer claimed she was acting "extremely oddly and erratically." And what's the evidence of this "extremely oddly" behavior? According to the clubgoer, "She came in at 4:30 am and went to a VIP room where she immediately climbed a stripper pole." Umm... nope. That's not very "extremely oddly" for Lindsay. The clubgoer continued, "When [a very handsome guy] didn't know the answer [to one of her questions], she lost it and started yelling and cursing and flying around the room." Again, sorry... but that's not so "extremely oddly" for our girl LiLo either. On the other hand, if she were to post a topless picture of herself on Twatter, or if she was accused of stealing $400,000 worth of Dior jewels from an Elle photoshoot? Now THAT is what we would call "extremely oddly" for Lindsay. Wait... she DID do all those things? Oh. Then we consider ourselves extremely and oddly corrected.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17 The hearts of 50 billion Twilight fans leapt into their throats today, when it was revealed that hunky star Robert Pattinson was struck by a cab while trying to escape a throng of young, and presumably horny, fans. While on a break from filming Remember Me in Manhattan, Pattinson's five-person security team was unable to stop a prepubescent swarm of hormonal teens who chased the star into the street where he was nicked on the hip by a taxi. Though Pattinson was unscathed by incident, RadarOnline.com reported that as one of his security guards checked him for injuries, the bodyguard screamed at the crowd, "You see what you did? You almost killed him!" (The subtext running inside his brain: "Stay away from him, bitches! HE'S MINE!!")
THURSDAY, JUNE 18 In news that's sure to delight the four fans of So You Think You Can Dance, Katie Holmes will be making a "surprise" appearance on an upcoming episode! "She is working with the choreographer Tyce Diorio," a source tells Us. "They want it to seem like she waltzed in and put it together very quickly, but that's really not the case." "Balderdash and hipperwhizzle!" Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII roared when reached via transgalactic hologram for comment. "As if the beatific child bride of Tom Cruise needs a 'choreographer'! When the lovely Katie Holmes stoops to share her TOTALLY ORIGINAL AND UNAIDED 'jazz hands 'n' jitterbug' routine with the likes of you, it would serve you well to take notice—lest the plasma eels of Dagonta XII feast upon your life-essence! Why, it reminds me of my youth, before I shed my larval sacs. You see, a jaunty jig called the 'Dagobah Shuffle' was popular at the time, and amongst all my fellow slime-hatchlings, I was the most skilled at its sensual gyrations and tentacle spasms! I set my sights on seducing Queen Hextlar of the Brood People, and I daresay she found my dance routine most delight—er, I digress. My point is, watch your once-and-future queen, Katie Holmes, on So You Think You Can Dance, Wednesdays and Thursdays on FOX! Wait, is that the same time Merlin is on? Because Merlin is also pretty good. You should watch that, too."
FRIDAY, JUNE 19 "The stars of Jon & Kate Plus 8 have unwittingly used reality television to broadcast the reality of an unraveling marriage," reported RadarOnline.com today. Well, NOT ANYMORE. Sounds like horrible parents/attention whores Jon and Kate Gosselin will soon be filing for divorce! (This might have something to do with another report, which claims that "Jon and Kate haven't slept together in months." "Jon has been living in sleeping quarters in the garage," RadarOnline.com says. "Their on-screen fighting and bickering pales in comparison to the off-screen chill that exists between them, and Jon has done everything he can to avoid his wife.") Notably, the people in this situation who seem to have been forgotten by everyone—including Jon and Kate—are the couple's eight children. Oh, well. MEANWHILE... In totally unrelated news, the child stars of Slumdog Millionaire were surprised and worried upon hearing the news that soon, eight more children would be moving into their slum. "We'll tell you what we told the fat kid from that shitty Charlie Sheen sitcom when he tried to move in," 11-year-old Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail, best known for his rousing portrayal of the young Salim in Slumdog Millionaire, told reporters. "There's not enough food, and a tractor pushes over our house once a week. Unless those brats are bringing their own shanty—or at the very least a Wii—they are not welcome here."
SATURDAY, JUNE 20 "I feel so sad for him. That's so terrible!" gushed Transformers hussy Megan Fox. She was responding to a photo that made the rounds last week, showing the buxom, lusted-after starlet striding through a crowd... and ignoring a tubby teenager who was desperately, pathetically offering her a single yellow rose. "That kills me!" Fox continued. "What you don't really see in the picture is that there are like 80 million people everywhere! ...I didn't know that was happening. It breaks my heart. And if you know his name, I'll send him a personal apology. I'm horrified—I would never do that. I'm sorry, sweet boy. I would never do that to you, and I would gladly accept your rose." OKAY, SO... Yes, we know that Fox is a skanky tramp who has bewitched all of the men on the planet (including Hubby Kip, who, yes, is still trying to impress her by making that stupid homemade Optimus Prime costume), but maybe—maybe—she's not as horrible as we first thought. MAYBE.
SUNDAY, JUNE 21 Remember that hullaballo in Iran? Well, we finally have some expert analysis on the whole situation! "Considering how well fighting 4 freedom in Iraq went, I dont know that we should B jumping in2 this Iran deal," Ashton Kutcher warily twatted this week. And so ends this week's Meet the Press: Celebrity Twats Edition. Good night, and good luck.