MONDAY, DECEMBER 29
While normal people celebrate the holidays quietly at home with family or friends, we can always depend on the celebrities of Tinselturd to end the year with an embarrassing bang! Let's start with self-proclaimed diva Christina Aguilera, who recently verbally assaulted one of America's most beloved icons, Mickey Mouse. Xtina was celebrating her 72nd birthday (okay, fine, she's only 34) at Disney's California Adventure theme park, and demanded to have her picture taken with Mickey Mouse—or more specifically, a poor, underpaid, unappreciated park employee shoved into a sweltering Mickey Mouse costume. Unfortunately Mickey was going on break, which meant Christina would have to actually wait? Ummm... CHRISTINA WAITS FOR NO MOUSE! According to TMZ, the high-pitched warbler lost her freaking mind, allegedly calling the Mouse an "asshole" and then dropping the atomic bomb used by all insecure celebs, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Christina's crew then reportedly began threatening Mickey, who was quickly whisked away to the safety of his mouse hole. While park security was called to the scene, Christina and her potty-mouthed crew were already long gone. (Remember: Christina got her start on TV's The Mickey Mouse Club—but something tells us her membership just got revoked.) MEANWHILE... Sad, terrible person Gwyneth Paltrow is whining again about her sad, terrible life to anyone who will listen... this time to Harper's Bazaar UK. "Women really need to examine why they're so vitriolic to other women," Gwynnie said, wagging her bony finger. "Why they want to twist words, why they want to read about someone else in a negative light, and why that feels good to them." IN A RELATED STORY... Last Friday, Gwyneth was spotted going in for a long, luxurious massage at an extremely posh health spa in the Hamptons, while wearing UGG boots. FUCK YOU, GWYNETH PALTROW.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30
According to the New York Daily News, former teen heartthrob Justin Bieber was spotted in front of Madison Square Garden attempting to show off for fans by riding his skateboard down a flight of stairs. In the strongest proof yet that there is a god, Justin wiped out, tumbled down the staircase, and fell directly on his stupid, smug face. So just in case... thank you, God! MEANWHILE... The New York Post has learned that suspected serial rapist Bill Cosby has hired "a battalion of private investigators to dig up dirt" on the women who have accused him of sexual assault. According to the report, Cosby is allegedly paying investigators "six-figure fees" for information that might discredit the more than two-dozen women who have made accusations thus far. In short, Bill Cosby just spent a shit-ton of money to make himself look exponentially more guilty. We'll see how that works out for him.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31
Finally! Finally, finally, FINALLY Britney Spears' little sister Jamie Lynn Spears makes the gossip pages, and it's for doing something totally awesome. TMZ reports that Jamie Lynn and a gal pal were dining at Hammond, Louisiana's Pita Pit when a fight broke out between a bunch of meatheads. Her friend was knocked down by the group of marauding goons, sending the normally shy and reserved Jamie Lynn into a fit of Hulk-style rage! Brit's li'l sis grabbed her pal, pulled her behind the sandwich counter, and then grabbed "a long serrated bread knife" and began wildly waving it around in an attempt to stop the fight. Apparently Jamie Lynn's knife-wielding tactics worked, because the fight was over before the police arrived. (We can only imagine older sibling Britney reading this at home, being reminded of the time she shaved her head and attacked an SUV with a golf umbrella, and wistfully thinking, "That's my sis.")
THURSDAY, JANUARY 1
It's a brand-new year, which means it's time for celebrities to get high-profile divorces, hoping no one will notice because it's the holidays. HA HA HA, NICE TRY, BUT FAT CHANCE. First up, Food Network star Giada De Laurentiis has called it quits with her hubby of 11 years—and waggy tongues claim it was because of her alleged affair with walking penis John Mayer (who has destroyed numerous vaginas, including those belonging to Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, and Jennifer Aniston). Next up, hunky actor Jeremy Renner has split with his wife of only 10 months, who says she'd like their prenup ripped up on grounds of "fraud." ("Fraud" is legal shorthand for "Renner's persistent gay rumors.") Meanwhile, former Guns N' Roses guitarist Slash has been given the heave-ho from his wife, on grounds of marital incompatibility (AKA wearing stupid top hats). And finally, comedian Chris Rock is saying bye-bye to his longtime wife of 19 years. Why? Because, according to TMZ, he was allegedly "tired of being married." WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS A LEGITIMATE EXCUSE. Watch out, Hubby Kip!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 2
Say... isn't it about time America refreshed its stable of ambassadors? Maybe by firing some old boring people and hiring some sexy young people... like, say... Selena Gomez? The 22-year-old pop starlet was in Abu Dhabi to ring in 2015, and things would have gone swimmingly if it weren't for Gomez's decision to post a pic on Instagram of her flashing her ankle—a pic that was taken inside the Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque. ("This isn't the first time that a celeb has stirred up trouble" at the mosque, notes E! Online. "Last year, Rihanna found herself in hot water after she took a series of photos at the mosque in an area that's normally off limits for visitors... causing RiRi and her entourage to be asked to leave the compound.") While Gomez bowed to local backlash and quickly deleted the image, we have a hunch that what she meant to say with her pic was heard loud and clear. Look, if Shirley Temple could be an ambassador, we might as well give Selena Gomez a shot! And remember, Gomez dated and dumped Justin Bieber—proving she has the superhuman patience and brutal hard-heartedness required for international diplomacy.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 3
Speaking of that little twerp Bieber, Page Six reports that he's found someone else to hang out with: Prince Jackson. The 17-year-old Prince, "heir with baby brother Blanket and sister Paris to the King of Pop's $1 billion fortune," has "become a Belieber." Page Six notes, he's "hanging with the troubled 20-year-old superstar, who lives in the same Calabasas, California, community," where Prince, under the sagacious tutelage of Das Biebs, has been "making music," "sampling the Hollywood club scene," "juggling multiple girlfriends," and "generally disregarding his guardians." But wait, because it gets better: Both Prince and L'il Biebs "are said to be mentored by that model of gentlemanly behavior—boxing champ Floyd 'Money' Mayweather Jr.," Page Six concludes, citing "a Jackson family source" who claimed that "'Money' has been offering a lot of advice to Prince, including about women." As to why the 37-year-old Mayweather—who has been jailed for misdemeanor battery of one of his exes—is (A) hanging out with Bieber and Prince, and (B) giving out advice about women, we have no idea. But we do know this: Somebody should make a reality show about this weird trio immediately, and oh, wow, this is going to end really, really poorly.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 4
Watch out, Portland: the "TriMet Barber" is back! You might remember Jared Weston Walter from one of TriMet's delightful bus rides back in 2010, when, as the Oregonian fondly reminisces, he "was convicted of cutting clumps from three women's hair and putting glue in another's." Or from 2011, when he did the same thing in Clackamas County. Or from 2013, when "he ejaculated into or fondled the hair of at least three different women in Multnomah County." ("Walter, whose last address was in Milwaukie, has a long history of obsession with women's hair," the Oregonian adds. "A Multnomah County prosecutor said Walter has been fondling hair since he was in grade school, and that his teachers would have to assign him seats away from girls.") And now for the TriMet Barber's latest appointment: Last week, a 31-year-old woman "felt something touching her back when she was in the check stand line at the Dollar Tree store in the Oregon City Shopping Center," and... ta-da! The TriMet Barber hath returned! He was poised behind her with scissors, about to cut her hair! (Shudder.) After being told to leave the store, Walter was promptly arrested—and while he's currently being held without bail (or scissors, or glue) in the Clackamas County Jail, it might be a good idea to avoid bus rides in the near future. And Dollar Trees, too. Just to be safe. (Oh, and if you're one of Portland's newest, happily gentrifying residents? Well... this is the kind of thing those "KEEP PORTLAND WEIRD" bumper stickers refer to. Portland used to be weird.)