MONDAY, JANUARY 5
For those worried few, Catholicism has been saved! Catholics around the world squealed in glee today in reaction to the Us magazine report that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are visiting the Vatican for a "VIP meet 'n' greet" with the pope. For analysis of this news, we go to One Day's chief religion correspondent, Scientology spokesalien, and dictator of the Gamma Alpha quadrant, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "Thank you, Ann," says Klaktu, reporting live via interstellar holotube. "First of all, I'd like to point out that Angie and Brad are fucking hypocrites. Brad can't seem to decide if he's an agnostic or atheist, and I can't imagine the pope looking favorably on a ruthless, heart-smashing home wrecker like Angelina Jolie. Ohhh, but that's not the worst of it! Their little 'meet 'n' greet' is obviously an insidious planning session designed to overthrow the only true religion, Scientology—AKA the rightful rulers and destroyers of the universe! Hey Angie, Brad, and Pope Francis! You mooks want to challenge our turf? Future Galactic Empress Suri Cruise and I have three words for you: BRING... IT... BITCHES!" MEANWHILE... Us magazine is reporting that Katy Perry has once again stumbled and fell upon the well-used penis of Hollyweird's most prolific lothario, John Mayer. (Do we really need to remind you of Mayer's many celebrity conquests? Please say no.) After being spotted having dinner together, the pair was seen retreating to Perry's Los Angeles pad for a little bow-chicka-bow-chicka-wow-wow-wow. Good luck, you crazy kids! (And for god's sake, use a full-body condom, Katy.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 6
Today marked the worst terrorist attack in France in half a century, when two gunmen entered the offices of satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo and murdered 12 people—two of whom were police officers. Fifteen journalists had gathered for an editorial meeting when the terrorists sprayed the room with gunfire and then escaped, killing the two officers on their way out (one of whom was injured, and was then shot in the head at close range). The attackers were heard yelling, "Allahu Akbar" and "We have avenged the prophet." Even after receiving numerous threats over the years, Charlie Hebdo had continued to satirize extremists, and their slavish devotion to the Prophet Muhammad. Police eventually killed the attackers, subjects of a nationwide manhunt, after they took a hostage at a printing company outside of Paris. In a separate but related attack, a compatriot of the attackers murdered a policewoman and then took hostages in a Jewish supermarket. Police also eventually killed this assailant. As authorities continued to look for possible suspects related to the crimes, the world united against these zealot cowards by marching, two million-strong, in the streets of Paris chanting "Je Suis Charlie"—a defiant slap in the face to those who blindly choose dogma over humanity. Religious murderers like the ones who took the lives of the Charlie Hebdo staff, police officers, and their Jewish hostages have once again shown how ineffectual they really are—and how satire is the one weapon tyranny will never defeat.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7
And now, actress Gaby Hoffmann on "Why I Ate My Placenta"—and no, that's not the name of a lost Judy Blume book. New mom Gaby, who you might remember as the daughter in Field of Dreams, and more recently in recurring guest spots on Girls, told People that eating her own placenta helped her bounce back after giving birth. "I made smoothies out of it for three weeks," Gaby quipped. "I had a home birth, so my midwife and my doula took it and cut it up into 20 pieces and froze it, and every day, I put it in a blender with strawberries and blueberries and guava juice and a banana, and I drank that shit up." Make no mistake, we support Gaby's placenta-eating practices 100 percent—however, if she decides to open a placenta smoothie cart, all fucking bets are off.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 8
News flash: Former "warlock" Charlie Sheen has told Kim Kardashian to "go fuck yourself." After learning from old buddy C. Thomas Howell (!!) that Kim had refused to give an autograph to a six-year-old child, Chuckles took to his Twatter account to avenge the tyke. "Your public loves u," Charlie incorrectly wrote. "Give something back or go f yourself." Because he is Charlie Sheen, he also took time to insult her bottom (calling it a "gross and giggly [sic] bag of funk") and wrote a special message to Kanye West. "My apologies to your hubby," he said, "great guy I'm sure, I hope his vision returns one day." OUCH. These two should get married. Seriously.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 9
With its appalling human rights violations, constant threats of warfare, and creepy cyber attacks, North Korea is at fault for a lot of things—not the least of which is tricking us into thinking it was a good idea to download The Interview. But some good has come from North Korea hacking Sony Pictures: After it was revealed that Sony (like many studios) pays women employees far less than men, at least one of those women, Charlize Theron, is renegotiating her deals. "For her upcoming Universal movie The Huntsman—the prequel to 2012's successful Snow White and the Huntsman, which earned nearly $397 million worldwide at the box office—the actress demanded to be paid the same as her male costar, Chris Hemsworth," Business Insider reports, noting that Theron's salary will now equal Hemsworth's, at over $10 million. (Wait... Theron is totally worth that. But who decided Thor was worth more than a couple of Starbucks gift cards?) "One knock-on effect from the Sony hacking scandal," an insider tells Page Six, "is that there will be more sensitivity about equal pay for actresses and hiring practices at movie studios." Great! Now if we could just do the same for... oh, every other industry. MEANWHILE... So, what's Larry King up to? Let's check his Twitter! "It's probably forgotten, but Columbo was one of the greatest television shows ever," King tweeted this weekend. Duly noted, Larry.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 10
The asinine bigots of the Westboro Baptist Church—the hate group that shows up at funerals of soldiers with "GOD HATES FAGS" signs—protested at Portland's Moda Center today, angered by the Portland Trail Blazers' pro-gay marriage stance. ("The Blazers punched Jesus Christ in the face," one of the church's inane members inanely told KOIN 6.) Or... well, the Westboro Baptists tried to protest. "The protest was planned for 75 minutes," KOIN reports, "but so many counter-protesters showed up, the members from Westboro Baptist left after less than 20 minutes." Several hundred counter-protesters showed up to overwhelm the Westboro fundamentalists, parodying their dumb signs ("THE NBA PROMOTES SIN," "GOD IS NOT MOCKED," "AMERICA IS DOOMED") with signs of their own: "KEEP PORTLAND QUEERED," "DANCE PARTY," "ZOD HATES SUPERMAN," "SODOM-ME? SODOM-YOU!" And at least one guy dressed up as Thor held up a "THOR HATES FIGS" sign. Hey, Westboro Baptists—don't let the door hit your ass on the way out! And all of you counter-protesters: Nice work. Especially you, Thor! Somebody get that guy a couple of Starbucks gift cards!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 11
Hollyweird's saddest little awards show, the Golden Globes, took place tonight. This year was even more disastrous than usual, with the air conditioning at the Beverly Hilton malfunctioning, leading to everyone looking, as Vanity Fair put it, "uncomfortably sweaty." And things were even worse for Kathy Bates: As one attendee told Us, Bates "screamed out in pain and almost collapsed" at the ceremony, before steadying herself with a chair. "It's unclear what happened," Us reports, "but the eyewitness speculated that someone may have stepped on her foot." (ATTENTION PULITZER COMMITTEE: Please give a Pulitzer to Us. Thank you.) The one upside of the sweltering, screaming mess were cohosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, the two greatest women on the planet, who cracked jokes about everything from the fact America's awful ("The movie Selma is about the American Civil Rights Movement that totally worked and now everything is fine," said Fey) to... well.... "In Into the Woods," said Poehler, "Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince, and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby." Fey also got in our favorite dig of the night: "George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year," Fey said. "Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award." Ugh! We don't even like Amal Alamuddin, but that is a good joke. Well done, Amy and Tina! And Kathy, we hope your foot is feeling better. Even though it's probably just payback for what you did to James Caan in Misery.