MONDAY, JUNE 22 Welcome to Celebrity Bloodbath Week™. Please take a moment to locate the nearest exit, make sure your seatbelts are fastened, and your dinner tray is in its upright and locked position. Ready? Here we go: Jon and Kate Gosselin (stars of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus Eight) surprised absolutely no one today when they announced they will be filing for divorce—thereby saving their obviously relieved eight children the trouble of filing for emancipation. MEANWHILE... Fellow gossip whore Perez Hilton found himself on the receiving end of an eye punch this past weekend, courtesy of Black Eyed Peas manager Polo Molina. The incident occurred outside a Toronto nightclub, when an argument broke out between Hilton and band members will.i.am and Fergie. When the gossip columnist unwisely called will.i.am a "faggot," he was rewarded with a very unattractive black eye. But let's face it—it could've been worse! What if Hilton had called Fergie "pee-pee pants"? (We shall never forget.) MEANWHILE... Speaking of relieving oneself, Portland Mayor Sam Adams was cleared of all criminal charges today in regards to the Beau Breedlove sex scandal—bringing at least a partial end to one of the tawdrier (and c'mon... sexier) local news stories in recent history. Though the recall people and moralists will undoubtedly be clamoring for a public hangin', we've all learned some serious lessons from Sam's encounter. For example: (1) When someone asks you if you've had sex with a minor, say, "I have broken no laws and mind your own goddamn business." (2) Never text or email anything you don't want the entire world to see. And (3)... the Macaroni Grill? For a romantic rendezvous? OH PLEASE. (Though Hubby Kip thinks a romantic night out includes a Coors Light and a plate of buffalo wings at Fuddruckers.)
TUESDAY, JUNE 23 Speaking of romantic interludes gone horribly wrong, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has confessed to having a long-distance Argentinean love affair after disappearing for a week. And remember how we mentioned earlier that one should never text or email anything one doesn't want the entire world to read? Here's a choice quote from one of Gov. Sanford's emails to his Argentine sweetie. "Do you really comprehend how beautiful your smile is?" he wrote. "Have you been told lately how warm your eyes are and how they softly glow with the special nature of your soul? Please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head, my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your fingertips, and an even deeper connection to your soul. I love you... sleep tight." WAHHH!! Kip! Put down that stupid buffalo wing and say something romantic to me!! MEANWHILE... Former Tonight Show co-host Ed McMahon—dead at the age of 86. (Kip: That made you spit out your buffalo wing, didn't it?)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24 "Iranian officials stepped up efforts to crush the remaining resistance to a disputed presidential election," the New York Times reported today about Iran, which is still reeling from its controversial (that's code for "rigged") election. As if that weren't worrisome enough, the Times added, "The nation's leadership [has] cast anyone refusing to accept the results of the race as an enemy of the state," also pointing out that after hundreds of journalists and activists were detained by police forces and militias, "the comprehensive crackdown left the center of Tehran eerily quiet." (Okay, maybe our 2000 election wasn't so bad.)
THURSDAY, JUNE 25 Following a long and public battle with cancer, Farrah Fawcett passed away this morning. Her death sadened those who remembered her from, among other things, her roles on Charlie's Angels and—HOLY CRAP, MICHAEL JACKSON DIED. TMZ.com broke the story this afternoon, and word instantly spread around the globe via Facebook, Twitter, and text messages. As traditional sources like the New York Times and CNN confirmed the news, hundreds assembled at the Los Angeles hospital where Jackson died, and even more gathered underneath the marquee of Harlem's Apollo Theater, where the Jackson 5 once performed. In Hollywood, Jackson's star on the Walk of Fame was buried beneath flowers, while candlelight vigils were held in Tokyo and makeshift memorials formed everywhere—from Jackson's childhood home in Gary, Indiana, to the fence around the American Embassy in Russia. It seems a bit too easy to be maudlin about this, just as it seems a bit too easy to crack jokes at Jackson's expense, but one thing's for sure: From the adorable 14-year-old who sang "I Want You Back" with his brothers on Soul Train, to the sex symbol who introduced the world to the moonwalk, to the creepy, alien-like celebrity who dangled babies off balconies and fought accusations of child molestation, Jackson led a life unlike anyone else's, and his cultural impact was staggering. At least now, he won't have those damn gossip columnists following him everywhere he goes.
FRIDAY, JUNE 26 Done listening to Off the Wall and feeling mopey? Good, 'cause it's about to get messy. "Quite frankly, he may be worth more dead than alive," Jerry Reisman told the Associated Press. Reisman, the general counsel for the studio where Jackson produced Thriller (and who also has a master's degree in saying mean things about dead people while their bodies are still warm), is only one observer making note of the outpouring of cash following Jackson's death. Yesterday, Amazon.com sold out of Michael Jackson and Jackson 5 albums within minutes, with sales of all things Jackson-related going up over 700 percent. Likewise, "Around the time of Jackson's death, only one of his albums ranked in the top 100 on iTunes in the United States," according to the AP. "By Friday morning, eight of the top 10 albums were Jackson's." With creditors looming (Jackson was reportedly over $400 million in debt), forthcoming autopsy results, and the custody of Jackson's children still undecided, expect to hear a lot more about Jackson in the coming weeks. "I'm sure when the autopsy comes, all hell's going to break loose," Jackson's friend and professional crazy person Liza Minnelli cryptically warned on The Early Show. (Nope. Nothing worrisome about that ominous statement at all.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 27 Remember how Transformers hussy Megan Fox cruelly ignored that young boy who offered her a single rose? Well, never ones to let a crass promotional opportunity get away, Kodak offered $5,000 to anyone who could find the boy—and Facebook users soon tracked down 11-year-old Brit Harvey Kindlon, who, on his profile page, calls himself "Harvii" and lists his interests as "celebrities," "musicals," "Twilight," and "spending money lol." Yesterday, Kodak flew the poor, misguided Harvey to New York, where Fox was scheduled to appear on the Today show! Only problem? Thanks to Michael Jackson's death, Fox was bumped from Today—and even if she had been in NYC, Kodak never told Today's producers about their plan to unite the star-cross'd lovers. "Harvey was never scheduled to appear, and we don't plan to have him on," an ice-hearted Today representative spat, grinning as she ground Harvey's dreams into a fine powder. Allow us, dear readers, to make a prediction: Six months—a year, tops—and this kid's gonna be back in the news. Probably for something really scary. Twilight-related. Possibly involving guns?
SUNDAY, JUNE 28 Celebrity Bloodbath Week™ continues, claiming another casualty: infomercial spokesman Billy Mays. The bearded, enthusiastic OxiClean salesman died in his sleep this morning, most likely due to heart trouble. "It has been a sad week already, and with Billy's passing the world has lost another gem," said Ron Popeil, King of the Infomercials. "Billy was the leader of the next generation of pitchmen. I'm sad to see his sale cut short." First: No, we didn't make that up, and second, oh sweet lord. What. A. Week. Rest in peace, Ed, Farrah, Michael, and yes, even you, Billy. You were always so concerned about the brightness of our whites.