MONDAY, JANUARY 12
Okay, this is weird... but for some reason NBC News anchor Brian Williams did not mention on his nightly newscast that he watched his daughter, Allison Williams, get her ass eaten out on national television. While the rest of you were watching last night's Golden Globes, on HBO's Girls, Allison—who plays Marnie on the show—was depicted receiving a healthy dose of anilingus from her onscreen lover, Desi (Ebon Moss-Bacharach). In order to make Ebon more comfortable in the scene, Allison and her costumer "smeared vanilla cream everywhere," and outfitted her with a special garment (made from Spanx and two menstrual pads) that "was invisible from the side but feels like a pillow when he puts his face in it." Interestingly, dad Brian Williams watched the premiere of the scene alongside daughter Allison (!!!), and had this to say about the experience to New York magazine. "For us, watching her is the family occupation," Papa Williams said, "and everybody has to remember it's acting." [Don't forget: The Nightly News devoted a segment to Allison's performance when she played Peter Pan... and yet not a single mention of her receiving an ass motorboat on TV? Apparently someone is confused about the definition of "news"!]
TUESDAY, JANUARY 13
Chalk this up under the title "new math": One Rihanna is apparently equal to 20 Victoria's Secret models. Why? Because according to Us magazine, recently single and unfortunately bearded Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted in a hot 'n' heavy tongue wrestling sesh with Rihanna at the Playboy Mansion. (Note: We would never touch ANYTHING in the Playboy Mansion unless we were dressed in a Hazmat suit and encased in a protective bubble filled with Purell.) Anyway, TMZ confirmed that the pair was seen "swapping spit" (Ugh! TMZ is the worst) at the pre-Golden Globes party, and according to a tweeting party-goer who witnessed the lip lock, "Just saw Leo and Rihanna make out while 'Pour It Up' was playing. What is this life?" That... is a very astute question. Because why on earth would one of the world's most beautiful women bury her lips inside the tangled brambles that are Leo's disgusting beard... unless she was digging for bedbugs? (Correction: One Day at a Time is the worst.)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14
This just in: Actress Kristen Stewart gives a fuck. A lot of them, in fact! In a recent interview with Salon, KStew—last seen blasting the heart of Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson to smithereens—was told, "A lot of people admire what they see as your give-no-fucks attitude." However, Kristen was quick to set the record straight. "Actually, no one gives a fuck like me," said the fuck-giving Kristen. "No one gives more of a fuck than me. It's just ironic to me. I'm always like, really?" LOOK BITCH. You better wake up and smell the fuck coffee, because in reality, WE are the biggest fuck-givers in the universe, and nobody even comes close to the number of fucks we actually fucking give. TO FUCKING WIT: We give so many fucks, that the IRS audited us last year—because they couldn't believe the number of fucks we gave. We give so many fucks, that the University of Fucks put our name on their new "Ann Romano's Coliseum of Fucks." We give so many fucks, that Pope Francis declared us the "Patron Saint of Fucks"—so put that fuck right back in your mouth, girlfriend... because when it comes to giving fucks, we fucking give the most fucks on the planet. (Wait... that didn't come out right.)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 15
Well the Oscar nominations for best actor/actress came out today, and surprise! They were all lily white. Of particular note, top contender David Oyelowo (who played Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma) was left out in the cold. Naturally the internet erupted in righteous fury over this announcement, and spent much of its day screaming into the empty, desolate void that is the Academy Awards' soul. But local funny lady (and occasional Mercury contributor) Barbara Holm was one of the few people who offered a silver lining: "The Oscar noms this year are the least diverse they've been in decades," Barbara tweeted. "On the bright side, there probably won't be cops there."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 16
This weekend, red-blooded Americans invaded movie theaters to see American Sniper, Clint Eastwood's hoo-rah war epic—and a movie that Wm. Steven Humphrey, in his Mercury review, said "fetishizes the American military to the point where you'll wonder if this is actually a sly parody in the vein of Starship Troopers. It is not." The film tells "the sorta-kinda-somewhat true story of Navy SEAL sniper Chris Kyle, who the movie repeatedly reminds us was 'the most lethal sniper in US military history.'" Turns out that's a recipe for box office success: Raking in a whopping $105 million over four days, American Sniper now has the highest-grossing January opening (beating out Avatar, which made a measly, inflation-adjusted $74.4 million in 2010) and out-grossed Birdman, The Theory of Everything, Boyhood, and Whiplash—combined. HOWEVER! Those who saw the film noticed something a bit weird, aside from, you know, the jingoism and racism: "I have never seen so many terrible fake babies in one film," Sunday Times critic Camilla Long wrote, pointing out that rather than use actual babies for his dramatic scenes, Eastwood chose to instead use rubber dolls that, at different times, appear to wobble, go stiff, and weigh nothing at all. "It's so obvious," Drew McWeeny at HitFlix wrote. "The weight's all wrong, and it shows from the way [the actors] have to liven it up with their own body language. [Bradley] Cooper in particular looks like he's just plain never held a baby." So at least there's something entertaining in American Sniper!
SATURDAY, JANUARY 17
Time was, nary a week went by in One Day at a Time when we didn't gab about the wacky Hollyweird adventures of one Lindsay Lohan. And she's back! TMZ reports Linds is currently shooting a Super Bowl commercial for... Esurance car insurance? But hold on! This actually makes perfect sense. "You'll recall back in 2007, she drove up a median and was arrested for a DUI," TMZ notes. "Later that year, she was arrested again after a wild ride on PCH where she allegedly took several dudes hostage." And "in 2010, she hit a baby stroller in West Hollywood," while in 2012, she "hit a car outside a club," "slammed into an 18-wheeler on PCH, claiming her brakes failed," and "struck a man outside the Dream hotel in NYC." Forget Esurance ads—why isn't Lindsay playing the villain in the next Fast & Furious?
SUNDAY, JANUARY 18
"A team of scientists, in a groundbreaking analysis of data from hundreds of sources, has concluded that humans are on the verge of causing unprecedented damage to the oceans and the animals living in them," the New York Times says, citing a report, published in Science, that puts the blame on carbon emissions, fish farms, bottom trawlers, increased container ship traffic, and undersea mining. "We may be sitting on a precipice of a major extinction event," warns ecologist Douglas J. McCauley—and while scientists note there's still time to reverse our actions, everyone who knows anything about humanity knows that isn't going to happen. RIP, dolphins! OH, WELL. At least up here on dry land, things are much bet—THIS JUST IN. 2014 was likely "the hottest on record for the planet," Scientific American notes, drawing from a World Meteorological Organization report. "This would make 2014 the 38th consecutive year with an anomalously high annual global temperature." Levels of carbon dioxide in Earth's atmosphere are currently 142 percent higher than they were before the Industrial Revolution. OH, WELL. At least we can save our money and build ourselves apocalypse shelters, right? So there's the silver lin—THIS JUST IN. "More than half of the world's wealth will be owned by just one percent of the population by next year," Reuters reports, openly weeping while reading a terrifying report by Oxfam. "Do we really want to live in a world where the one percent own more than the rest of us combined?" Oxfam Executive Director Winnie Byanyima asked. Well, Winnie, it doesn't look like we'll have much choice—but before 2016, we are going to heavily invest in rubber babies. If this weekend's taught us anything, it's that American Sniper II: Still Snipin' and American Sniper III: Rise of the Hyper-Sniper are on their way—and they're going to need props! We're cashing in while we can! (Mostly so we can afford an apocalypse shelter.)