BILLY CRYSTAL Wants gay people to stop shoving "things" into his face.

MONDAY, JANUARY 19

Kids! Wake up the grandparents and ask them who "Billy Crystal" is. On the off chance they're dead, Billy is one of the more famous comedians of the '80s, who also portrayed one of the first openly gay characters on television (on the late '70s sitcom Soap). So you would think that might give him some insight and empathy into the gay experience. NOPE. When asked recently about the increase of gay sex scenes on television, he had this to say: "Sometimes I think, 'Ah, that's too much for me,'" Crystal winced. "I hope people don't abuse it and shove it in our face." Right, Billy. God forbid we see hot guys or gals doing what straight characters have been shoving in our faces for the last 20 years. Thankfully his comments incited a firestorm of internet scorn, thereby forcing Billy to amend his statement. He now says he doesn't want anybody shoving sex in his face—even straight people. This we agree with. (Especially when it's Hubby Kip shoving it in our face at 6:30 on Saturday morning. Ugh! Put it back in your jammies, Kip!)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 20

BREAKING: Justin Bieber is attempting to develop a "sense of humour" (note Canadian spelling). In case you missed it this weekend, Saturday Night Live's funniest performer Kate McKinnon did a hilariously dead-on impersonation of Bieb's ridiculous Calvin Klein ads—in which, among other things, faux Justin points at his underpants and says, "Yo. My pee-pee's in there." Well, instead of egging McKinnon's house or urinating on the picture of a president, Biebs responded on Twatter in a very uncharacteristic manner: "Well played," he said. "LOL." Waaaaait... WHAT IS GOING ON. But it just gets weirder, because Justin has agreed to the unimaginable: being the subject of a roast on Comedy Central. "For years I wanted Comedy Central to roast me," Bieber twatted after the announcement. "They said only if I provided them with more material, so for a year now I've worked hard." Wait... was that a joke?! WHAT IS GOING ON. Even TMZ says Justin has changed, claiming he is "polite again, respectful, and extremely generous." WHAT. IS. GOING. ON?? (Five bucks says within 48 hours he'll be short-sheeting the bed of a cancer kid.)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21

Perennial One Day naughty girl Lindsay Lohan is valiantly struggling to complete her court-required community service, before time runs out next week and she finds herself on the business end of a jail cell. She's only completed 15 of her 30 required days... but this time, she's got a really good excuse, guys! She contracted Chikungunya while vacationing on the island of Bora Bora! Now before your eyes roll out of your head, as it turns out, both Chikungunya and Bora Bora are actual, real things. Bora Bora is a French Polynesian island in the Pacific Ocean, and Chikungunya is a virus transmitted by mosquitos, causing fever, joint pain, and exhaustion... orrrrrr... you know... the same symptoms one feels after taking too much ecstasy. Get well soon, Lindsay! (And if you have any extra "Chikungunya," we're in the market. Wink.)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 22

Confidential to all the Gresham housewives who are already standing in line to see the film version of 50 Shades of Grey: They're not going to include the infamous "tampon scene." Now everybody calm down! We know the "tampon scene" was the primary reason many of you wanted this insanely popular book adapted into a movie in the first place. Yet according to 50 Shades director Sam Taylor-Johnson (via Variety), "[the tampon scene] was never even discussed." NEVER EVEN DISCUSSED? That's like Shakespeare cutting the part where Hamlet talks to a skull! For those sad unfortunates who have yet to read E.L. James' classic "S&M 101" novel, the "tampon scene" is where hot lothario Christian Grey is so sexually overwhelmed by heroine Anastasia Steele's menstrual cycle, he yanks the tampon out of her and tosses it across the room like a dog's moist tennis ball. And using E.L. James' own words, here's what actually happens next: "Jeez. And then he's inside me... ah! Skin against skin... moving slowly at first... Oh the sweet agony... his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm—in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me... oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken." "Oh jeez" is right! Maybe they're saving the tampon scene for the sequel: 50 Shades of O.B. (sorry).

FRIDAY, JANUARY 23

At long last, Us has confirmed that Edward Norton has, in fact, followed in the proud tradition of obnoxious celebrities by saddling his offspring with a super stupid name. "Almost two years after Edward Norton and Shauna Robertson welcomed their first child together, the little one's name has finally been revealed," reports Us, which seems a little too excited about this late-breaking development. "Sources confirm to Us Weekly that the couple's son is named Atlas." Hmm. You know... actually? That's not too bad, given other celebrities' baby names, like Pilot Inspektor (the unlucky offspring of Jason Lee), Moxie CrimeFighter (the poor kid of either Penn or Teller, we don't care enough to look up which), North West (Kimye), Blue Ivy (Jay-Z and Beyoncé), Kal-El (Nicolas Cage, of course), and Apple (ugh, Gwyneth Paltrow, of course). So... congrats, Ed? You definitely could have done worse.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 24

Back when Grampy Leatherface (né Robert Redford) started the Sundance Film Festival in 1978, its aim was to encourage the power and art of independent cinema. Thankfully, such aims have since fallen by the wayside—Sundance is now little more than a winter vacay for Hollyweird's glitziest. And two of Hollyweird's most glitziest might be doin' it, at least according to E!, which spotted The Wolf of Wall Street's jaw-dropping sexpot Margot Robbie and True Blood's panty-dropping dreamboat Alexander Skarsgård canoodling at the film fest! "Margot and Alexander definitely looked like a couple," a source tells E! "They were very touchy-feely and at one point were full-on kissing!" LET IT BE KNOWN... The world has a new Most Attractive Couple, and we wish them all the luck in the world, and hope they stay together long enough to squeeze out a baby and give it a super stupid name.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25

Speaking of Sundance, at least one of its films seems to have hit some buttons: Director Alex Gibney's HBO documentary Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief screened at the fest this weekend—and drew the ire of the Church of Scientology, which, in typical low-key, not-overly-defensive-at-all fashion, took out full-page ads in papers like the New York Times to decry the film and imply it was based on dirty rotten lies. However, those who saw the film didn't buy Scientology's claims. Calling it a "scathing exposé," USA Today detailed some of the film's revelations, like how the church "intentionally broke up Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman," how it tortured "some of its members in a prison known as 'the hole' and subjected others to hard labor," how church leader David Miscavige has "physically abused several members," and how the church threatened to expose John Travolta's homosexuality if he left the organization. The film also details founder L. Ron Hubbard's "elaborate cosmology incorporating space aliens, invading spirits, volcanoes, and other elements that his sci-fi writing had contained." "It'd be funny, if it weren't so tragic," Vulture wrote. "As Going Clear posits, for all the crazy mumbo-jumbo, Scientology is also a brutal, heavily retaliatory organiza—" "BALDERDASH AND BIDDLYFRUMPS!" screeched Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, Conqueror of the Delta Quadrant and Scientology's Chief Spokesalien, who contacted us via holochat from Sundance, where he was splitting his time between protesting Going Clear and complaining about Utah's wintry climate "freezing up my tentacle mucus." "There's absolutely nothing true in Going Clear, as stated by my organization's not-overly-defensive-at-all ads in your planet's major newspapers," Klaktu continued. "But even though it's all totally false, I have been given level-beta clearance to warn any humans who dare see Going Clear that they will regret having done so when, as prophecy foretells, Scientology's Army of Righteous Thetans immolates their flesh with blood-lasers, sending their souls to endure 19 lifetimes' worth of back-breaking labor in the plasma mines of the planet Mustafar, where they shall fellate the thetan-ghost of L. Ron Hubb—ooh! Ann! Ann! Margot Robbie and Alexander Skarsgård just walked by! OMG!" Klaktu then frantically slithered off, bringing an abrupt close to our interview.